Will I ever get back to being normal?

[OrangeIsNeutral]

NC here for obvious reasons. I know it's fucked up, how I'm feeling and being.

Years of infertility has battered me and I'm feeling very down. I don't seem to be able to function very well or act normal.

Someone close to me had a baby recently and there's an awful weight in the pit of my stomach. I can't be happy for them. I can't find the words to express anything positive and I'm just very, very down. This is their 3rd baby since I started TTC. It doesn't feel fair.

Will this ever go away?

Will I ever act like a normal human being again?

I'm hoping that IVF will make me a mother but what if it fails? Will I spend the rest of my life as this bitter, envious, sad, wretched person?

It’s not fucked up. It’s completely normal. I’ve found it hard to be happy for people who naturally conceive. Even ivf pregnancy - I can be happy for people but I’m still hurting/feel sad for myself. I’ve never been able to conceive naturally and I’m going through another ivf miscarriage. The whole process is heartbreaking. I’m starting to see this as my journey will just take longer and hoping for the best someday. I’m also taking a break from TTC and doing stuff I wouldn’t be able to do if I was pregnant. It’s still tough of course - and every little thing is triggering but you just learn to cope with it. It’s hard to explain really - you become a bit numb to it when it’s been so long 😞 sorry if that hasn’t really helped. Xx

If how you're feeling is fucked up, then we can be fucked up together - I've been feeling very similarly.

One of my friends is due her 3rd soon - she drinks and smokes, it just doesn't feel fair. It's really hard for me to say I'm happy for her and to support her when I just want to cry thinking of how different things are for us.

But then, nobody ever said life was fair. And one of my other friends (who has 2 children) was telling me just recently how she feels she's missed out on a lot due to having children - she felt she had to put her career on hold, she couldn't travel and apparently felt quite envious when she saw my holiday pics, she misses the spontaneity we used to have... When she first told me this I felt really angry, like, how dare she complain about having what I would die for... Then when I had some time to reflect I thought that actually, it's maybe an example of how even an outwardly perfect life isn't perfect and people often focus on the negatives rather than being grateful for things. So, when we're parents (because I'm determined to believe it'll be when, not if, one way or another), we won't take any of it for granted and we'll be better parents than we would have been without this journey.

That probably sounds like I'm being very philosophical about things, but in between there are times when I feel completely broken and angry at the world. You aren't alone.

@OrangeIsNeutral what you're feeling is completely normal! After years of infertility, it's bound to get you down. That's exactly how I feel - some days I just feel like giving up. But you mustn't feel bad for the way you feel, it's a completely normal reaction to feel this way!

I really sympathise. I doubt I'll ever be the same again, even if this next try of IVF is successful. I'm what I would describe as "functioning depressed". I work, do the housework, cook, do yoga on zoom, take part in chatty WhatsApp groups, occasionally see friends face to face. It's all a carefully composed act. Inside I'm completely miserable. I don't know if it will all ever get easier.

I completely understand how you feel and it’s very normal! I agree with what someone else said on here: with time it gets easier, or you just feel number. I also believe how you feel long term is strongly tied to whether you end up having a child or not (whether through IVF, surrogacy, donated eggs or adoption!). Once you get your child, all the pain and heartache will fade away very quickly. If you don’t end up getting one, then it will be much harder. I am currently trying to grieve the fact that I won’t have a second child after one IVF miracle (I fully realise I am extremely lucky and don’t want to compare the pain of not having any with the pain of wanting a second but it’s still pretty painful) and I keep thinking if it had worked, I would be fine about all tue suffering. It’s the fact that 2 years of suffering and treatments have for us nothing that makes it so unbearable… I hope you still have options and strength left to continue trying and that you end up with your miracle baby!