Would you do IVF if not desperate for a child?!

[IVFdilemma]

NC for this but I'm a long time poster. I recently turned 40. My husband is 47. We have been together for about seven years and married the last few.
Neither of us are desperate for children and never have been. It's always been something we've thought may happen, but we also didn't have any great plans for having them, and definitely don't dream about babies and life with children. Our attitude was always "never say never".

I quite like some of the kids of family and friends but to be honest I'm never really keen to spend time with them. I much prefer adult only meet ups and DH is the same.
Babies don't do much for me, but I like the idea of having a child when they are a bit older and I could interact with them more. I wonder if we might feel a bit sad at the absence of a child when we are old too. But these don't seem like compelling reasons to have one! It's never a guarantee that a child would be close to us when we are older, or even live on the same continent!
Family life and caring for small children in particular seems tedious, repetitive and boring to me and I feel a lot of my fiends with kids have lost their lives.
We feel like we could still have a nice life together just the two of us, going on holidays, doing hobbies and caring for our pets. I have concerns about the financial and mental affect (stress, worry) a child would have on our lives, but I also imagine that often those worries don't matter when you have your own, very much loved child.

Despite feeling ambivalent at best about having a baby, I stopped taking the pill a couple of years ago and we thought we'd see what happens. Nothing has happened.

We contacted the doctor and yesterday had an appointment at the hospital regarding our fertility after having blood and sperm tests.
The outcome is that DH's sperm seems fine, but I have low AMH at 2.1.
We are not eligible to IVF on the NHS due to a combination of my age and AMH level.
The doctor advised that in theory we could possibly still get pregnant naturally, but chances of that happening are decreasing rapidly. His advice was to do IVF privately ASAP.

I'm glad we know where we stand but I just don't know what to do. It feels very final to do nothing, so we are wondering if we should have one try at IVF then draw a line under it.
We have about 10k in savings so could afford it. However, neither DH or I can quite decide if this is a good idea or not. We have friends who have been desperate for children who have done "just one more round" multiple times until they got pregnant. We don't want to fall into that cycle.

Would you go through a round of IVF for "one last ditch attempt" if you were not desperate to have kids?! I am torn.

Hi @IVFdilemma I mean your post reads as if you don't want children, maybe it's a case of you worrying that at some point in the near future the possibility won't be there anymore and you're concerned that this will be the point where you and your partner decide you really want a child.

If that is your concern then you could look at freezing embryos, that way you know there is a chance in the future, but you also don't need to commit to a child right now.

It's worth noting that with your AMH level you could struggle to get embryos, my friend has a similar AMH to you and has had to go through multiple cycles of egg collections. You would need an US to calculate your AFC to get a gauge of what might be possible with IVF.

Thanks @Gardenlady543 I think you are right and I don’t particularly want children.
However, I do tend towards anxiety and I think that is making me extra cautious.

I do definitely worry about that window of opportunity going. Because the grass is alway greener isn’t it?!

Maybe I should at least get assessed by a fertility clinic to get scanned and see what might or might not be possible.

To be honest my initial response was no don't do it if you are ambivalent about having a child but then I thought that actually maybe ambivalent is the best way to be? 99% of the stress and emotional trauma associated with IVF is whether it will work or not due to the absolute desperation to have a baby. But if you aren't that bothered then maybe you can approach it like any other medical procedure and be detached just enough emotionally from it?

I have to say that by my 5th round of IVF I was pretty ambivalent about the whole thing and i felt i had naturally started to come to terms with and make peace with my infertility and IVF not working (it did work and I had twins though! 🤣)

@ivfgottwins we have friends who have had even more rounds than that, and the woman of the couple was initially quite ambivalent, but seemed to get more desperate as each round failed.
I am concerned we might get caught up in that. They had the money to do eight rounds, but we don’t!

I am now erring towards making an appointment for assessment, but am also baffled by the choices. I’m based in London so at least there seem to be some good clinics.
DH described himself as 70% erring towards not having kids and I’d say I am similar. But neither of us seem quite willing to close the door on it.

@IVFdilemma I think there is no harm in an initial consultation, you may always wonder what if, if you don't at least collect all the information you need to make a fully informed decision. If you do have a low amount of follicles then the clinician may well tell you that you'll need multiple cycles to obtain embryos, and given that you don't want to end up having many cycles, that may help inform your decision.

Thanks @Gardenlady543 I feel you’re right and there’s no harm in at least having an initial consultation and making a more informed decision after that.
I don’t think we’d really thought it through and realised that the choice isn’t as black and white as moving forward with IVF or not doing so. It makes sense to get me checked out.

Your plan for an initial consultation definitely sounds reasonable. I think actually, ambivalence rather than the sadness of desperation, could work in your favour.

Hi @IVFdilemma it sounds like the real issue is a fear of regret. Ask yourselves how would you feel today if you found out you definitely couldn’t have children? Would you be ok or sad? Why do you want/not want children and how important are these things to you?
You could try a counselling session or 2 if to get your heads around it too.
I agree there’s no harm in a consultation but it’s important to be realistic that one round would have a low chance of success, it may be worth it in terms of allowing you to move on without regret though.
Good luck with whatever you decide, it’s a big decision.

Those who give full thought to the responsibility of being a parent most likely make the best parent.

It's safest to budget for 2 cycles at least. With 10k you should consider Greece, Turkey, Prague etc. Mild protocol should be considered.

All the best.

I haven't had IVF, we had our funding approved just as I got pregnant on Clomid. If you really wanted DC, I think finding out you need IVF would have made you feel more than ambivalence. In your shoes, if you're happy with your life now I don't think I'd do it. I am coming from the experience of trying and struggling to conceive and to stay pregnant though. It's been such a scarring experience. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and similar even though I now have DD.

Thanks for all your advice. DH and I have a busy weekend but are planning on talking about this properly in the next few days.

I am erring towards getting an initial consultation somewhere to get the scan and AFC so we know exactly what we’re dealing with. Then we can decide if we do or don’t move forward with any treatment.

I am rather overwhelmed with the amount of clinics to choose from in London though.

It’s weird. My heart sinks whenever a friend announces they are pregnant (even though I will obviously be pleased for them) but the sad feeling is more in a “oh there’s a friend I’ll see a lot less of now” way, rather than jealousy.
I feel that friends with children are leaving me behind in a way, and experiencing something in life which I probably never will.
However, we also have quite a few gay male friends who won’t be having kids, and a few couple friends who are child free through choice, so it’s not like we will be the only people in our circle who don’t have children.

I'm sorry to have a different opinion to others … but I definitely don't think you should have IVF if you "don't particularly want children". If it does work and you think its a mistake, where would that leave the child. IVF is incredibly stressful and mentally draining and probably something you shouldn't do unless you know you want to be a parent. I became incredibly ill post-natal with my first and ended up in a mental health unit … certain symptoms (one being tinnitus) have never gone away and I have had to adapt my life accordingly but I definitely do not blame my son or regret him as I wanted to be a mother more than anything. I got pre eclampsia with my second and was very poorly for weeks … I am now trying for number 3 with a frozen embryo … some would think I'm crazy but that's how much I want these children. Although getting tests etc to see where you're at wouldn't hurt, I sense you don't want this so why put yourself through it. Anyways, all the best to you!! :)

Thanks @firefly37
I do think it’s like @39andabit has said and I fear regret in the future rather than it being something I actually want. It’s never been something I’ve had a plan for, unlike buying a property and having our pets which are things I really wanted to do.

I think it still makes sense to do an initial consultation. Then DH and I need to make a definite decision either way. Part of his job involves counselling so he can make sure we discuss this properly.

@IVFdilemma I think your point about feeling left out from your friends is a big one. I feel very left behind and as almost all my friends have young children it’s harder to find time for socials and you can feel left out of all the child based conversations. It will probably get easier in 5-10 years but it’s good you have some friends without kids.
I think the consultation will help as if they give your chances as very low it maybe easier if you look back in the future and wonder ‘what if’ if IVF was unlikely to work it may be easier to feel you explored it.
Very best of luck with all your decisions, you can only do what feels best with what you know right now.

@39andabit I definitely have that left behind feeling. I find it hard (and boring to be honest) when we have a girls get together and everyone is talking about child related stuff.
I do imagine it’ll be different in 10-15 years and their kids can look after themselves.

I am glad we have quite a lot of child free friends. I imagine us continuing to have nice child free days and holidays together. I just wish I had the conviction to make and commit to the decision not to have a child. It is such a personal thing.

I have 2 young children and I find the child-related conversations boring to be honest!
People don’t believe me when I say that I was ambivalent too re having kids. I had ivf at 37 (similar amh to you), expecting it not to work. It worked first time.
Although it’s been hard work etc, I don’t have any regrets. My life is very busy and I don’t mind that. I didn't want to feel regret for not trying, so I completely understand your perspective on things.
What I would say is this… if you are undecided, then your plan sounds sensible enough. If you end up not having children, it sounds like you can live with no regrets and enjoy your life to the full. Just a different life that doesn’t involve being a parent.

I came on to post my own dilemma but so much of what you have said has resonated with me. The only difference is we have already had 2 rounds of IVF after almost 10 years of infertility and hope. We are now considering whether to have a 3rd round but the long covid delay has only made us question whether or not we want to go through it all over again.

Like you, I’m not a baby person, but I do see how having a child gives you a whole new identity and purpose. It’s also what society ‘expects’ (to an extent) so I think most of us feel that nag.

We have a really great life and good careers and I just wish we could decide either way. Having a third round hanging over us is malign me sick to the stomach, to have to go through that rollercoaster all over again. I still haven’t lost the excess weight from the first two cycles either.

Hello, we were pretty ambivalent but were offered one round on the nhs so gave it a go. I was 40. I got three eggs and a faint positive that faded so a chemical pregnancy. We decided to draw a line under it and move on. It's a year later now and i haven't given it much thought, it was a relief to finally be out of the will we - won't we limbo we'd been in for years.

I found the ivf process totally fine. It wasn't particularly stressful or anything, I guess I found it quite interesting. However, when I stopped taking the progesterone I developed terrible vertigo which I've suffered on off since, and tinnitus. I am convinced this was due to the hormones (I've a phd in biochemistry so did a lot of research), and this has been very debilitating. I think I was very unlucky, but had I known, I wouldn't have even had that one round.

So glad to jump into this thread and reading everyone's opinion.

I have been married to my partner for 10+ yrs. we had our own share of baggage in this relationship with lots of ups and down. Having kids was never our primary mission and we used contraceptives until 2 years back.

Obviously we haven't been able to conceive in the last 2 years but to be honest we didn't try really hard either. As a couple we have never been obsessed about having kids and infact my partner is least bothered. He is more than happy with or without kids and I was pretty much the same until last year.

I just feel that we don't have a lot of straight couples in the society who are child free by choice. I get a mixed feeling every time my friends announce their pregnancy, invite me over to their baby shower etc.

I will ADMIT that I have lost connections with many many girl friends just bec I don't have kids and most of the time they end up making plans with other couples with kids..
Infact they have mum groups in WhatsApp which obviously I am not a part of and via that they often make plans for night out etc... so I have no doubt felt very left out and for me this has been the worst part of not having or being able to have kids.

I am lucky to have few single friends and older couples to hang out with but I do feel bad when I see all my girlfriends planning night outs with all their other mum friends and leaving me out!

I have tried IVF previously which wasn't successful and on my second one now which again is not looking very great!
It's one of those treatement which sucks you out mentally more than anything. Injections are literally nothing.

If you can keep the whole emotional bit out then I would definitely recommend you go for this. You don't have anything to loose apart from your saving which you can always earn again. In the hindsight if you ever change your mind and want a child, atleast you will have some hope.

I’ve just come back here to say that my DH and I have discussed this at length now and decided we are happy as we are.
So we are not going for a consultation. I’m not sure there’s much point.
We aren’t using contraception, but aren’t exactly having lots of sex at the minute (DH is busy and tired after setting up a business recently) so I can’t see it happening naturally, although I guess you never know.

I feel at peace with the decision. If anything DH was more for us drawing a line under it than I was.

I am lucky that my work provides therapy services as a benefit, so I am currently chatting to a therapist about how to examine my feelings around it all.

We have about 11k savings right now and I’d honestly rather save it for a holiday than use it for IVF which might not even work. I think that says a lot!

Nobody who is ambivalent towards having children should have them.

If you're going to be in this then you should both be in it with your whole heart. IVF is such a very deliberate and planned out process of bringing a human into the world. Why would you do it if you aren't certain it's what you want?

@want2bemum I can see why you might say that if you really want children.

My experience is that I have struggled with closing the door on the possibility of having children.

As @Youngatheart00 said, society “expects” a woman to want children and possibly due to that, in the back of my mind, I thought eventually I might end up having one.
Some (unhelpful!) friends told me I’d change my mind and want a baby when I got older, or when I met the right man, etc etc.

I didn’t change my mind, but I have had some difficulty in accepting the fact my life is almost definitely going to be child free.

@IVFDilemma I say it for a number of reasons really. One of them is that, yes, I really want children and so does my partner - and I know I couldn't do it if either of us were not "all in" - especially with IVF as it's such a difficult thing to go through.

But another reason is that my mum was ambivalent about having children, and so I have experienced that as the child as well. She wasn't a bad parent, not by any stretch, and she cared about us fiercely. But she wasn't quite as emotionally "present" or invested in the same way as a parent who really wanted kids would be.

I think it must be very hard with all of the societal pressure to have children if you are not sure. I have friends who don't want to be parents and experience that week in, week out, it's draining. You should be able to live your life how you want to. All the best.

Thanks @want2bemum
I think we’re going to continue to be happy. Probably with a few more pets as the years go by!
I am going to really work through my feelings on this with therapy to make sure I have no regrets.

I wish you lots of luck getting pregnant.