TTC 22 months - feel like walking away

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Background: 40 in August, TTC 22 months, two step kids 12+15, partner 7 years. Possible blocked right tube, all tests including AMH are fine, ovulate every month. Partner has borderline count, quality, but average motility, some ED, overweight.
All fertility investigations and treatments were halted over the last 14 months due to the pandemic.

I feel like all my choices over the last 7 years were geared towards achieving the goal in mind of having my own children. I feel after having tried acupuncture, fertility massage, SMEP, herbs, supplements: ubiquinol, omegas, vit D, C, magnesium, pre natal vit, cutting sugar cutting caffeine, reducing plastic, natural hair/skin products, meditation, gentle exercise, vigorous exercise, castor oil pack, no hot baths, read books and so on, that it’s not going to happen.

So now I feel like my relationship and life choices that were geared toward family, are no longer as necessary as they once were.

I care for all three and they’ve given me so much joy over the years, but I’m beginning to feel bitter inside. A feeling that’s new to me. And I’ve lost belief in the necessity for me to live the life I am because I don’t believe it will lead to what I want anymore.

Nothing has changed to look at but a lot has shifted inside. I’m so lucky I don’t have other problems to deal with, but I don’t know what to do. I have a good relationship, job, family, but if I didn’t want children I wouldn’t have set my life up how I have. It is too hard to let go of the dream yet in any concrete sense ie breaking up, because I’m not sure I’ve come to terms with the realisation.

I’ve been optimistic and productive for so long but now reality has set in and becoming 40 makes it seem all the worse.

If anyone has any thoughts..

I think the advice is if you have met conceived in 6 months aged 35+ you need to move onto IVF so I would look at starting it ASAP if you can.

Sorry for what you're going through.

You are just tired from being so active, productive and optimistic. We need time to feel our sadness, and stress. Take the time you need without feeling guilty, sounds like you've got a great family and they will support you and understand you.

You seam to have tried almost everything I can think to conceive naturally. Have you considered IVF?

I'd second the other posters' advice regarding fertility checks/investigations and doing them ASAP, including getting your partner's sperm quality investigated as well.

The stats for IVF are rather poor however your individual prognosis could be better or worse, you don't know until you start the treatment.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, it must be really tough, good luck with your decision.

I feel for you so much. It's so hard when you start questioning your past and feel like blaming yourself for somehow doing it wrong...even though it sounds like you have been giving everything and doing your best.

I do agree with the other suggestions of considering IVF.

Also, are you aware of the Zhai Clinic? She has worked closely with NHS IVF practitioners and has an amazing track record of improving both natural conception rates and conception through IVF.

I would also highly recommend reading Maisie Hill's book(s). They helped me to see how the real feelings of desperation were closely linked to particular days of my menstrual cycle. It helped me so much to know that these actually aren't my feelings the majority of the time. Now I can spot these days coming & plan for them and, the rest of the time, I feel grateful for life, even if it's not how I expected it to be. Good luck and very best wishes.

I completely get where you’re coming from. I’m 27 cycles in with suspected endo.

I agree with a PP that mentioned just needing to feel your sadness- it’s human.

What is helping me is the realisation that I can’t have everything I want- I have a nice home, a great DH, a decent job, studying to change career, good mental and physical health and a peaceful life among so many other things that others don’t. Some people are living in war zones unfortunately, and some are terminally ill and staring their mortality in the face. So I’m learning to accept this is one of the things others can have that I can’t. We all get a mixed bag, and there are much worse combinations in the grand scheme of things.

This isn’t to invalidate how hard infertility can be- but it’s the bittersweet acceptance that this one thing may not be in the cards for me. I can enjoy my nieces and nephews and have my sleep when I give them back. I can enjoy other people loving motherhood and not have to have that, in the same way I enjoy seeing people so many other amazing and very difficult things and not join them. It’s the highs of loving the babies I already know, and none of the deep stresses of parenthood. I still want it, but I recognise that it’s still a very very hard thing I’m asking for, and my life will never be much easier than right now.

It’s a tough pill to swallow but it has also been freeing for me. I don’t mean to be patronising either (this is all from the perspective of no step or bio kids already).

I just hope maybe some of this brings your own change of perspective (or helps to aid acceptance of where you are). Either of which will take time.

What you're going through sounds really hard. Your frustation is completely reasonable and please don't feel guilty about your feelings!

Maybe counseling will help with navigating those emotions and the situation with the whole family dynamics and what you're going through.

I've seen a lot of people suggesting IVF, like my DH does for us, maybe it's worth doing some research on it? Maybe I have to do it myself as well, as I'm 43 now and i haven't been able to get a BFP for over a year now!

Thank you for the support and understanding, and sharing your own stories and struggles. I did get a second wind to keep at it and try again but again, BFN.
I’ve often been led by my instincts and to follow them. That’s harder when there’s so much to lose based on so much uncertainty.
What was said about hormones is so scary because it’s so true! In that a change in hormones can make it feel like nothing has changed while everything looks and feels different.
It doesn’t help that my physical attraction to my partner is waning too. It’s made me stop and think, and see that in the process of being proactive and positive, I may have ignored some feelings. But I figure everyone has feelings like this in a LTR and I don’t know what’s worth fighting for versus the time to let us both go.
I’m more confounded than ever, or maybe it’s just my period is due this week.
Best of luck to you all

Hey I'm so sorry to read about your pain. Infertility is a horrible experience. Can I ask which CGC you live in? The NHS is moving pretty quickly at the moment but it is important to know the right things to say, especially with your age so I could help you look into that more if you need if I have the details xxx

Thanks for your interest, it’s Yorkshire and because my partner has children from a previous relationship, I’m not eligible for IVF