I am so sorry that you have been through this awful, awful experience.
I found out at our first scan that my first baby after IVF had passed away. I gave birth to him at home.
To this day, I don’t know how I survived those dark, heavy days of endless grief.
But I did.
And now I have the most beautiful little boy in the world.
Hold on. I promise you that it will be worth it. The grief doesn’t go away, but it becomes more like a memory than a physical weight.
The grief I carry for my first baby is now bitter sweet - I still grieve for him, but I am also so greateful to him. Because of him, I am a better parent and, quite frankly, a better person. I am more mindful, I find it easier to get through tantrums and other tough moments because I know how close I came to not having them at all, I don’t miss my old life/going out/etc at all, I love my son so fiercely.
And that is the gift that my first son gave me - he made me a Mum, and then a Mum without a baby, and then a Mum with so much gratitude in her heart that damn near nothing can shake me.
Losing a child changes you. But one of those changes, the one that I have found the most enduring, is that it makes you so intensely aware of how lucky you are when one of your child joins you on Earth (regardless of how that may be, adoption, IVF, surrogacy, etc) that you treasure every moment and never, ever take your child for granted.
My heart goes out to you. Please do hold on, and talk about it to someone you can trust as many times as you need to. I still talk
About my first child regularly as I am still, years later, processing the loss. My son and I like to water his memorial tree together. I used to sit under that tree and sob, wishing that I could die too - now it is a place where I share a beautiful moment with my son each day, and I am so grateful that I didn’t just lie down and die, because I would have missed so so much.
It does get better, I promise ❤️