How do you keep going without support

[Sunny56]

Hello everyone

Just having a hard time at the moment, another 'not pregnant' transfer. To date I've had two miscarriages, one chemical pregnancies, one failed implantation, 2 IVF cycles, three transfers.

We haven't told our families that this is what we have been going through for nearly four years. Our parents were aware of our first miscarriage, it was a natural pregnancy after two years of trying and we were so excited we couldn't keep it to ourselves and told our parents at nearly 7 weeks, missed miscarriage at 8 weeks. I also told my one friend - after being told I'm likely to miscarry within days, all I got from her was - at least you know you can get pregnant (at this point she was also trying to get pregnant for about 4 months, with her husband changing mind about 5 times and saying very nasty things to her, she fell pregnant after few months and now has a 7 month old baby.) I was just heartbroken to hear such words from the only person that I have told what we have been through and how long we have been trying for.

Now moving on to our second IVF cycle I told her that this is what is going to happen, she wished us luck and seemed to be supportive, however knowing how much heartache I was going through seeing her pregnant (I did tell her it's all me, and I did avoid her during her pregnancy, which she also seemed to be understanding about, but odd comment did slip.) however, whenever I mentioned something about injections or medication or anything linked to IVF or if she asked and I answered, all of the conversations always went back to her and her being pregnant, having c section, having to do injections etc. It's all about her and her baby. I understand it is exciting and do love the baby to bits but sometimes I just want to say something that is on my mind, something that is about me and not about her. Every time we see each other or talk it's all about her, all about the baby, of how her husband has changed after the baby had come and how they relationships have taken the turn for the worst, I understand but then again I think this is all we want and we would be so happy to have a baby in our relationship and how joyful it would be and how good my partner would be as a dad, I'm just sad that her husband has this opportunity and he is not taking it.

I feel like the one person who knows about us I can no longer talk to, as she has just been taken over with her own life, but she expects me to be there for her and listen to her, which I do, but I'm just sad for myself, for us. As sometime you need someone other than your partner.

This failed cycle has really gotten to me, I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and my life will never be completed unless I'm pregnant and can take a baby home, I'm longing this so much, I feel so empty.

I don't want to talk about this with my family as my mother would never understand and she can be so insensitive that it will just hurt me even more. I would like to tell me dad what's going on but just don't know how - we are only talking on the phone as live on different countries.

How do you find strength to keep going without having someone there to support you? To help you get up, to be there for you. This infertility journey has made me into such a monster, I always avoid socialising with family with babies or when they are pregnant, always worried of questions when we are having babies etc, which feels like social anxiety.. I just don't know what to do with myself..

Hi @Sunny56 so sorry to hear what you're going through and what you've been through so far. It can be tough particularly when friends have kids, I'm lucky that I have very supportive friends but even then I think people who haven't been through struggling TTC they can't really understand what you're going through and how certain things they say/do can be hurtful. You may sometimes need to distance yourself from certain people to protect your mental health.

Finding someone to talk to is important, would counselling through your clinic help if you haven't done it already? Or talk on here where you will find plenty of support, if you have Facebook fertility network UK have local groups and run support groups which were in person but currently online due to covid. I personally find fertility podcasts helpful too and follow a few people on Instagram going through TTC and it helps me feel less alone xxx

@Roo45 Thank you for your message. I have had counselling with my clinic but I found that the lady I was talking to wasn't for me. I was my clinic's Facebook support group with my first ivf cycle, when I fell pregnant and there was a lady who had I had transfer on the same day, we both got pregnant however I miscarried and she kept posting sensitive posts - covered up of course but by the dates I knew it was her 9 week scan, 12 week scan, I left the group because it just got too much for me to see while I was miscarrying. I now I think I can't 'buddy' up with someone on transfer day or Close dates , because I think if it doesn't work out for me it will again be hurtful for me to see and hear. I'm just a mess

@Sunny56 oh that must have been so hard. I can completely understand wanting to potentially protect yourself from that in the future.
I really struggled when my second cycle failed too- it was hard enough but what made it even harder was it was mother's Day and my friend gave birth the following day. I feel like all I want is a baby and each month it just seems to be getting further and further out of reach. We are hoping for a third cycle soon but don't know yet when it will be.
Do post on here as plenty of people understand exactly what you're going through, might be worth looking at a local fertility UK Facebook group and the podcasts/Instagram accounts too. One thing I have been considering myself is a course from the website thisisalicerose, she's a lady who's gone through fertility issues and IVF herself and runs mindset courses/meditations to help others going through the same xx

@Roo45 thank you, I'll take a look.

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Your post stood out to me as I was in a similar situation when going through treatment....mainly that I couldn’t cope with gatherings etc that reminded me of what I didn’t have. I was really brutal and just did not go...I called it self preservation to myself and do not regret it to this day. I also avoided anyone who knew my position and offered no positivity or help. Brutal again but do you know what? When you’ve been dealt a s£&! hand you have to deal with it the best you can. Maybe not the advice your looking for but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling like this and you are entitled to feel like this. Your friend is not really being a nice friend at all. Friendship is two sided and she has shown you no consideration at all by the sounds of it. Time to get off my high horse! If you want to pm for a sympathetic ear, I’m here to listen. Take care of yourself x

@windy2909 thank you for your message.

I have already been avoiding family gatherings, especially on my partner's side, he has a lot of family here, all with children, so birthdays, get togethers happen often, and so are questions of what are we waiting for in terms of starting family etc, I haven't been going since I suffered my last miscarriage and some time before as there were two pregnancies going on. My partner gets a bit defensive towards his family, I don't think he fully understands what's going on inside me, he says that they don't know what's happening, which I understand, but I think that they are adults and should have some ethics taught to them about asking private and sensitive questions. Some part of me actually enjoyed being in lockdown so I could avoid everyone..