Dealing with secondary infertility

[Ocean456]

Hi all

We have one child conceived first go and it’s now been two years of trying to conceive a second plus six months of clomid which have failed - diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’. I feel an absolute sinking feeling that we are here, I’ve always been terrified of IVF, of the potential pain and disappointment. But at the same time I can’t not do it. I’m an only child and hated it. My husband is an only child too but loved it. Tonight he said why do you make out like our child will have this pathetic, lonely life? My husband said his life was full of adventures, and friends and he felt loved and never felt like he missed out...I can’t shake my own experience which was very isolated and it’s framing everything...I feel like I can never give up on the idea of a sibling for this reason and I’m so scared that it will take over our lives that could be perfectly happy if I just let it go.

We will start IVF in July so I need it to not break me if it fails, please can I ask for advice and tips on balancing your life with the IVF process? And tips on not allowing the intense feeling of desiring a sibling relationship to cloud your very happy family of three?

From posts I've read, including yours, I think dealing with secondary infertility is more difficult for people who conceived their first without any issues.

I have one son and whilst I definitely hope for more, I had him via IVF and he came after 10 years of desperately wanting him and fearing I'd never be a mum. In those circumstances, you realise how blessed you would be just to have one child and have already adjusted your expectations.

It's perfectly understandable to desperately want more, but I would say that having a sibling for your dc shouldn't be the main motivation. Many, many people have no issue being an only child. It will hurt if it doesnt work out so you'd only be making it worse by imagining your dc is suffering. There's no point being devastated on your child's behalf when they're not bothered at all.

IVF does take over your life. That's unavoidable I think because people don't tend to do it unless they are really invested. It's a rollercoaster and this forum is full of heartbreaking stories. But when it works it's absolutely amazing.

Good luck. I hope your IVF is successful, but just try to let go of the idea that it's something your dc needs because they probably don't.

I’ve been there, it’s so difficult. The only thing I can think of which helped us a little was having an end point. We discussed beforehand about when we would stop (up to 3 cycles) this way I felt like I’d tried what I could abs wouldn’t be living with a what if.

I know plenty of only children that had happy childhoods and have even chosen to only have one child themselves. Equally I know siblings that hate one another, everyone’s situation is different.

Knowing that it is likely to take multiple cycles will help. Most people get there eventually. I knew this, but every time mine failed it killed me. It took us 4 cycles to get our baby and we are prepared to do another 4 to get a sibling. Try to focus on your little one and not let IVF spoil your precious time with them. That would be more tragic than not conceiving a sibling in my opinion.

I had primary infertility before having DD and then even worse secondary infertility culminating in 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and losing both my tubes and then 5 rounds of IVF

I once sat in the GPs office in floods of tears as I just couldn't understand why I was feeling like this when I had a much longed for DD

She said that secondary infertility is just as painful as primary infertility just in a different way. Motherhood is no longer a dream it's tangible, it has sight and sound and smell and touch, you have a little reminder running around of what you could have and dreams of what your family unit looks like

definitely set goals for yourself - whether it is a financial budget for IVF or timescale

Not going to lie IVF can and will impact on your family life - everything goes on hold, can't holiday because you are planning around cycles, can't make big purchases as every spare bit of cash goes into the next cycle, don't always have the time or energy for older child as constantly at scans or feeling crap from the medication.

IVF was probably the most selfish thing I've put our family through. We had a happy ending eventually and had twins but i won't get the last 5 years back with my daughter

Thank you for all your replies, you've all given me lots to think about and a new perspective on my feelings, I only have 1 friend who I trust to talk about all this with in RL and so it really helps to hear people's opinions who have or are actually going through a similar situation.

Thanks so much again

Hi @Ocean456 , I know that your post is a bit old but going through something similar and was wondering how you are doing.

Thanks

Hi @angycandle

I am sorry you are going through a similar situation.

Reading back on this post feels like a very different time.

We went onto do IVF in Sep 2021. I got pregnant which was incredible as by that point it had been 3 years of TTC. But it became clear early on the pregnancy wasn’t developing normally, HCG beta tests didn’t double and a 5 week scan showed I was a week behind, I miscarried at 8 weeks.

This sounds strange, but for me even this was easier to deal with than the infertility. I think because something actually happened. And I knew I had tried.

We decided to do IVF again but this time to test the embryo. Our one and only embryo came back normal. I am currently 9 weeks 4 days pregnant and two scans have shown normal growth 🤞🤞🤞

I am so glad I pursued IVF. Even if it hadn’t worked out I can honestly say I needed to have tried it. A friend who desperately wanted another child but was now in the menopause told me just before we started IVF ‘I wish I’d tried harder.’
I didn’t want to have that regret. I was scared I would look back in ten years time and think why was I so scared.

And guess what? I didn’t find the IVF process scary at all. I don’t know if I just got lucky but it was easy. The miscarriage was the hard bit but even that in my particular case, after not conceiving month after month, year after year…it felt like progress. And it made me want to try again.

For our second cycle we went onto a 2 cycle Access package. Looking back I wish we had done Access first. There are 2 and 3 cycle packages available.

I really hope you achieve your little dream. Please don’t be scared to pursue IVF, if didn’t break me, doing nothing was breaking me. I wish you so much luck on your journey. ❤️❤️❤️

@Ocean456 congrats I am so happy for you and you really gave me hope! We have been advised to try for a few other months but will try to start IVF after that!

Hi @Ocean456 i hope you don’t mind me joining the thread and congrats on your pregnancy. May I ask if they had any insight into the reasons for you not conceiving? We have been TTC a third for 18 months. We were all set to start IVF then last minute tests just beforehand meant that they recommended ICSI which we weren’t keen on so now at a standstill x

Hi @angycandle I’m glad my story helped and the best of luck on your journey. 💫

Hi @Anonbaby Ofcourse, happy to answer any questions and I hope my answers help. In our case all tests came back normal or very borderline. My AMH was slightly low at 13.1pmol/L (I was 34 when we got this result a year after conceiving). DH’s normal sperm morphology was also slightly lower than normal at 3%. His DNA fragmentation which is an advanced test came back slightly high too at 28% but his high DNA damage was only 2%. So there seemed to be a mix of reasons but our consultant said nothing on it’s own could have caused the infertility and even these reasons couldn’t explain not having a single BFP in three years…

I think we found the true reason during IVF itself. In both cycles my eggs wouldn’t grow without several days of stimulation. In the second cycle we doubled the dose of the stimulation medication in line with conventional IVF. In my first cycle I was on a half- dose mild IVF protocol. I didn’t want to do conventional IVF but after doing mild IVF in my first cycle thinking it would lead to a healthier baby but instead it ended in miscarriage I decided to do conventional the second time. We only got 1 embryo from 15 eggs even with the increased stimulation. I’m sure there is an egg quality problem there but we will never know as that is impossible to check. There is probably also a slight sperm quality problem.

What are the reasons your clinic have given for doing ICSI? What are your partner’s sperm parameters? If they are borderline like ours I’d push for IVF. We also didn’t want to do ICSI but we didn’t want to PGTA test and freeze either but ended up doing it after the miscarriage so sometimes you do go to a place you’re not expecting.

I didn’t want to do ICSI because I wanted the element of natural selection of the sperm. Luckily on both days of egg collection DH’s sperm parameters were acceptable so we didn’t need it. Could you wait till the day and see how your partners sperm parameters are. And also perhaps fertilise 25% with ICSI and 75% with IVF so you know you’ve given IVF a decent shot?

I didn’t want to do PGTA testing because I thought it was an unnecessary invasive step but after the first cycle we wanted to test the embryo because of our suspected egg quality/sperm quality issues. I was actually too scared to put another embryo back in without testing it first. And I’m really glad we did. If there was an extra I would recommend it’s PGTA testing. Please do ask if you have any more questions.

Also I really recommend Proxeed for improving sperm quality, DH’s morphology improved from 3% to 4% and progressive motility from 40% to 59% on it x

@Ocean456 thank you for your very kind and long reply. I’m going to PM you x