After 8 years I want to give up

[mimosa80]

Hi. I’ve been TTC since 2013 and doing IVF since 2014. I just had a FET which I found out this week failed. I have been pregnant, once in 2013 but it was an ectopic that ruptured and required life saving surgery. After that I needed 3 further operations for gynae issues which happened in the space of a year. I got pregnant again a few years later with ivf but the pregnancy ended in my second trimester. I was induced at hospital.

Infertility and ivf has messed me up mentally. I’ve found friendships a struggle as the majority of my friends have children and conversations and meet ups are very family/child-oriented. My family have tried to be supportive but they do put pressure one me or give advice on how I should improve my chances. I find this really difficult. My husband is lovely, kind and supportive.

I have one more embryo in the lab, but once that cycle is over I’m done. I just can’t go on with IVF. Giving up is going to be the kindest thing I do for myself and I feel ready for this next chapter. I need to heal and move on.
I am scared though. I read that the grief of infertility never ever goes away and this really frightens me, my heart hurts just imagining that. Has anyone else given up and does it get easier? I’m aware I will likely need some counselling to help. Any words of hope or encouragement, reassurance that’s it is possible to move on and heal, will be a great comfort to me. Thanks for reading x

Hi @mimosa80. That's a heart breaking story. I don't have the same experience so I'm afraid I can't give you what you've asked for, but as nobody else has responded yet, I wanted to say I'm so sorry you're in this shitty, unfair position. I really hope your FET works. You must be very resilient after all you've been through

Hi @mimosa80 I agree with @Yokey what a moving account, I found myself tearing up as I read it, you’ve been through so so much, I’m not surprised you’re at this point, I am sure I would feel exactly the same in your position.

I think the counselling would be a very good idea, it sounds like you’re willing to try one last time with the last embryo and then after that you’re willing to move on, I would recommend counselling before the last attempt, it’s almost like you need to go into it with the assumption it won’t work, so you don’t pin all your hopes on it.

You are clearly very determined to have a child, have you thought of other options for if this last attempt doesn’t work? We don’t really talk much about things like adoption on these boards as most of us are in the early stages of the process. But given your account I wonder if you’ve considered this. If this is something you’re thinking about then maybe you could post on some adoption forums, there may well be people just like you, who are perhaps a few years down the line.

Thank you both for your kind words, it’s really appreciated. I will be having counselling (I’ve just booked with my fertility clinic) and will take the next steps forward. I’m 40 now so have pretty much come to terms with the fact that ivf isn’t going to work, but know I’ll need professional support to full accept that. I have spent many hours researching adoption but it’s not the right path for us.
I think hearing experiences from other childless/child-free women will really help me feel more confident and positive about the future. I’ll have a look for support groups.
Thanks again for your support x

Hi @mimosa80 - I'm at a different stage as you as we've just started our IVF journey but, first of all, I wanted to say I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that... really heart breaking to read.
I have also heard of The Dovecote: Childless Support Organisation - Kelly Da Silva who leads it is lovely and has quite a few support sessions
www.instagram.com/thedovecote.org_official_/
www.facebook.com/thedovecote.org/

Having said that, I really hope your last attempt works and you won't need those links. Sending you lots of love x

@mimosa80 Sorry to hear everything you’ve been through, you’ve obviously got huge strength to get this far, however battered from it all you may feel.

I really hope your last embryo works, but if it doesn’t, I think a big part of moving on and acceptance is being at peace with the fact you did everything you possibly could and you have certainly done that. I don’t expect that acceptance to come quickly, even with counselling, but I hope it does over time.

I thought for several years that adoption would or should be the path for me, but it never felt quite right and I have a lot of knowledge on adoption through friends and family. I actually feel like a wasted some more fertile years in feeling like it was my only option as a single woman and that I shouldn’t try IVF. At 41 last year, I finally started IVF. Don’t know if it will work out for me either, so far BFN with 1 embryo left, but I needed to know I had tried everything I could to have a baby. Wish you all the luck in the world.

Bless you @mimosa80 I thought I would broach the subject but fully agree that adoption is not for everyone. I have a friend going through the process at the moment, she still hasn’t got the children (she’s adopting 3 siblings) and the uncertainty she is experiencing is awful. In many ways adoption seems to be as difficult a journey as fertility treatment. I so so hope this last embryo works for you.

@mimosa80, echoing other posters, I'm sorry you have been through this experience. Infertility is so tough mentally and much of society revolves around family and children- it's hard to escape it. I can understand why you find the well meaning advice from family hard. There were times when I wanted to scream at people to just listen to what I said, empathise and recognise how awful it is. I think people find that tough though, hence the problem solving

I think there is also something about the milestones of turning 40 and your hopes and dreams of where you thought you would be in your life at this age. If this resonates with you, it might be worth exploring in your counselling appointment.

I too hope your FET is successful.

If it doesn't work out I have heard of this organisation that supports women childlesss not by choice:

https://gateway-women.com

There is also a book by the founder of Gateway Women that focusses on processing the loss and grief of not having a child/children, which similarly has good reviews:

Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children Jody Day

Best of luck

Thank you all so much. It makes such a difference knowing people understand exactly what this is like.
Thanks for those resources @beachbum85 @crispsandcheese. It helps to know there are different support networks out there and I will be looking into these.
What you said about being at peace knowing you’ve done all you possibly could is so true @IslandStars. I know I couldn’t have tried any harder! I really hope things work out for you.
And it is so true about turning 40. In many ways I feel positive about 40 being a new start but all the things associated with getting older/fertility are in the back of my mind.
I’m really grateful for all your words of support and wish you all the luck in the world on your own journeys. xx

@mimosa80
I am so sorry for your losses. Your journey sounds so tough.

I hope your FET is successful and also just wanted to say that the Fertility network has a group that offers support for those coming to terms with stopping fertility treatment / life without children.

I’m also years into my ivf journey and whilst I’m still giving this last cycle my all I can feel myself accepting ivf may not work and if that’s the case I know I’ve done everything I can and physically couldn’t do more. Xx

I'm glad you have found this thread helpful @mimosa80. I actually have a copy of the book I mentioned and if you pm me (I think you can still do that on MN?) I'd be more than happy to send it to you. I'm having a clear out and would like to pass it on rather than charity shop it.

Obviously I understand if you feel a bit wary of giving a random person on the internet your address (!), but the offer is there.

Look after yourself