TW - will I regret this??

[willithappen]

Firstly put a TW as I don't want to trigger anyone or for anyone to think I am ungrateful. I am very fortunate and greatful to even get to the position I am currently in. Currently going through IVF, egg collection in Feb and on drugs for FET now with lining scan on Wednesday. Potentially a week away from transfer. I have four in the freezer so in a good spot right now

However, these last two days (and I'm away maybe it's the progynova affecting me) I'm starting to question absolutely EVERYTHING. Worrying about if this is right, what if it works and I then go on to regret it? I have wanted nothing but kids my whole life and now it's potentially here I'm panicking? What if I don't like having kids and just completely regret everything?
Am I going to miss out on so much more that could be ahead of me? (I'll be 29 in June). Should I wait? What if it affects mine and my partners relationship? What if lockdown and not being able to do anything is what pushed my urge to get this done more and when things go back it's not what I want?

I'm absolutely terrified now and having a wee breakdown. What if I'm not cut out for this? I have been so focussed on just getting the job done and getting through each part of this process up to now that I haven't let myself get any further ahead

I also feel very bad because I know all of you would do anything for a baby and some would do anything to be in the position I am in with four in the freezer. I feel bad for even expressing these thoughts here but I don't know who else to turn to or if anyone else has felt anything similar?

Maybe it's the idea of life opening up again and me thinking about things I can't do if this is successful now. My heads a mess tbh.

Hi @willithappen, I just wanted to reply to you to let you know I really don’t think you’re alone with these worries. IVF is massive. Doing it during a pandemic is really tough. I’ve had many of the thoughts you’ve had - kind of think it would be weird if you didn’t think these things! You’re about to do something big, scary and life-changing. Of course you’re wondering whether it’s what you really want.

I can’t advise you what to do but can share my own experience. I had been exactly like you in the run up to my first IVF cycle - focused and excited. Then it dawned on me what I was doing and I freaked. All I can say is that I took it day by day - each appointment as it came, and just went with it. I don’t regret doing that at all, even though so far we’ve not had a successful cycle about 2 goes, but think I would have if we hadn’t tried.

Like you, I’ve always wanted kids. But did I want them like this, and is now the right time when life is so all over the place? It’s hard isn’t it. Other people never have to ask themselves this. I’ve definitely become ‘calmer’ about the hoped for end result as a side effect of IVF - if it works, amazing; if not, we’ll adapt.

Whatever you decide, you will be OK x

I wanted to chime in as well and say I could have written a lot of this. I’ve always always wanted children, it’s never been something I questioned, and when it didn’t happen it was an enormous source of grief and preoccupation. Fast forward to now, where I am in a position to do ivf late in life, and I have had utter panics in the same way.
As above, I think it would be weird not to feel that way. You’re doing something very purposeful to affect a giant change in your life, and one that you don’t know what it’s going to feel and look like - anyone would be scared!
I actually think having these thoughts is really healthy and shows that you are going into it knowing it will change your life - both in good ways and hard ways.
There’s no shame in worrying, and if you decide you’re not quite ready there’s no shame in that either.

Thanks for your lovely replies ladies.
I really think it's a lot to do with lockdown easing and opportunities coming up again.

I don't know what to do but taking it one step at a time and still taking my tablets. Does anyone know if on NHS you can delay the transfer for a bit? Can they keep in storage for when you go back or do you have to pay to keep them stored?

@willithappen l can relate to how you are feeling and l am less than 2 weeks from transfer. I’m doing a lot of thinking about the whole thing. It’s a bit easier for me as lm 41, so it’s literally now or never for me pretty much. I’m trying to take each day as it comes but l know it’s easier said than done

@eastofeden86 exactly, we have thought about this SO MUCH. Most people try for a couple of months and then they are pregnant. It’s been a much longer and complex experience for the people on this board