IVF resentment

[Rosie543]

I want people’s honest opinion as to whether I am irrational, hormonal and unreasonable or my feelings are valid.

I have been through 2 and a half years of infertility. My BMI is perfect, don’t smoke, don’t drink, exercise, vitamins, OPK’s, fertility gels, 6 rounds of clomid and a round of IVF. Oh and acupuncture! I am utterly grateful that my IVF has worked!!

However, my cousin got pregnant very quickly and had a beautiful baby girl 2years ago. She probably didn’t know how to act with me, but some of her comments and actions over the previous 2years have not been supportive or understanding at all. She has recently found out she is pregnant again. After she told me, she lit up a cigarette!!! Smoking whilst pregnant!! She smokes, drinks, she is over weight, never exercises ... although I’m happy for her, I cannot help but feel resentful that I had to go through the trauma of infertility treatment and tried my utter best. Yet there she is... I feel like a green eyed monster even though I am pregnant. These feelings don’t just disappear overnight though!

I feel terrible for not being overjoyed for her. I feel guilty. But I resent that she found it so easy whilst doing everything wrong!!

I dont think this is unreasonable at all. I feel very similar about my own mum, who ended up pregnant with me by mistake, probably never would have chosen to have a child, smoked all through pregnancy and was pretty neglectful throughout my childhood. And here I am desperate for a child, doing everything I can to make sure I'm healthy and able to provide a loving and stable home, and yet I'm having to go through IVF.

The world works in mysterious ways and there's nothing we can do about it. I at least always know my child (if I'm lucky enough to have one) will always know how loved they are and I'm sure yours will know the same 🤍

I think it’s natural to feel annoyed and resentment @Rosie543 but I guess it comes down to, what does that achieve? I feel resentment to my friend who started trying at the same time as me and now has a child, meanwhile I’m facing uncertainty after 2 unsuccessful cycles.

However in some ways I’m lucky, if I end up with a child I’ll have something she will never have. I have suffered to get my child in a way she hasn’t, so I will appreciate my child in a way she will never know, I will be grateful every single second of every day.

I wonder how my friend is right now, she used to love travelling and adventures, I feel like she didn’t really think about how a child would changer her life, perhaps she likely didn’t realise what she was signing up for, whereas I’ve had 18 months to consider how each aspect of my life might be different.

This is totally normal and I've definitely felt the same. I think this is what infertility does to you and even after a successful cycle I don't think the trauma will ever truly go- I've had 2 failed cycles but even if I were successful in the future I don't think I'd ever forget feeling like this in a hurry. I wouldn't feel guilty.

Totally normal to feel that way. My ds I conceived when I was only 24 and not trying, I was definitely not the healthiest, I was young and living my life, but, it happened and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 6 years on, don't drink, don't smoke, eat (mainly) healthily, take vitamins etc and yet I'm having to undergo ivf for a sibling for him. I just think what on earth has happened in that time ? I get the green eyed monster when my friend who drinks, smokes etc falls pregnant at the drop of a hat, then I feel awful for feeling that way but we're only human. Just focus on yourself and your baby, it's amazing the ivf worked for you. Good luck with your pregnancy

Similar to you, I'm so grateful my IVF has worked, but I find myself getting 'triggered' by some of the things that come up around pregnancy. Even something as simple as just having to constantly explain to midwives/HCPs that my due date isn't based on my last period. Infertility definitely leaves scars the take a while to work through.

I haven't been through IVF yet (have DOR and trying egg freezing as desperately want kids in the future) but I can totally relate as I was in a relationship for 3 years with someone who wasn't sure if they wanted children. As I desperately did want them, it was all I could think about for years, even before quite a few of my friends had their children. So then watching them get pregnant so easily around me was particularly painful...to then decide to take action and pursue egg freezing "just in case" (and with their comments of "you've got plenty of time etc ringing in my ears") and then find out my shockingly low fertility was horrible.

All of my friends who have children seem to have had it come so easily to them and a few of them didn't even want children before and I feel quite envious when I think about that too.

But I do agree with a previous poster that it doesn't do anything to hold on to the resentment. What I usually tell myself is "well I don't want THEIR baby.. perhaps I could be in their position with those babies that were easy to make but in order to do that I would have had to want to make those babies with [insert their partner's name]!" and this usually helps a bit! I wouldn't want to have babies with any of their partners and that's the only way their babies have come into existence so I tell myself therefore they DON'T actually have something I desperately want.. (Ok it rarely works but sometimes takes the sting away a little.. )