IVF and relationship strain

[Roo45]

I wondered how people managed this? We've had 2 failed fresh cycles the past 4 months. Initially we were dealing with MFI but consultant wants to investigate me for implantation issues.
I've been so upset since the failure and seen multiple pregnancy and birth announcements since. I felt DH didn't support me during IVF refusing to help with housework when I was getting side effects from drugs and too tired. He's got a complicated relationship with his family and throughout I felt he was putting their needs above mine.
Now I'm bitter, angry, resentful. I've told him if he behaves the same I can't go through another cycle emotionally I'm not strong enough. But I'm desperate to become a mum. I just feel at a loss and it's put a massive strain on our relationship.
I've thought about couples counselling but he won't consider it.

I’m sorry to hear this @Roo45 I remember you posting about your DH a few months ago and it sounds like things are ongoing.

How did he react when you told him you didn’t know if you could do another cycle unless things change?

Your partner needs to start working with you on these things, I can’t see why he would be so against some counselling and not helping you when you’re unwell from treatment really isn’t on.

Hi @Gardenlady543 oh I had actually forgotten that I wrote that! I must sound awful!
I think you are right there are some unresolved issues and the IVF stress has just compounded on that really. I got some counselling for myself after the first cycle and that was really helpful actually but I just feel I've slipped backwards since the second cycle failed.
I try to see things from his point of view as I know he's devastated too but I agree he needs be supportive during the process. I've been so upset and angry recently that I don't know that I've made my point clearly and maybe he just doesn't understand the impact on me.
We won't be having another cycle for a while anyway as I need some more tests so I guess we have a little bit of time to discuss these issues.
Thanks for your message, remind me where you are in your journey? I think we were both at similar stages but for different reasons xx

I remember your earlier post too, @Roo45. Sorry things haven't improved

A bit nosey, but is it just the IVF? Is he otherwise supportive? Some people just can't deal well with bad times generally, especially if they're unable to 'fix' the problem. Or is it literally just the IVF situation that he's not supportive in?

Either way, he probably doesn't get how difficult this is for you, even with his own sadness about the failed cycles (sexist generalisation, I know, but it's so often true!). He needs to understand that resentment can kill a relationship.

@Roo45 oh I didn’t mean to mention the last thread like that, I just remember it because you’d mentioned that your in-laws didn’t realise it was MF and you seemed to be taking a lot of flak which seemed unfair. Also I don’t think it looked bad on you at all, if we can’t discuss these kind of issues here, then where can we discuss them?

I think if there are any underlying relationship issues (and every relationship has issues) then IVF is just going to make it so much harder. I full on screamed at my partner the other day because he accidentally shut a cupboard door into my shoulder (in my defense I’m on hormones and it really hurt). And if it’s not the medications affecting my emotions it’s the impact of unsuccessful cycles and uncertainty. That being said your partner needs to support you, you guys need some ground rules moving forward for what you both expect from one another (especially him from the sounds of things), couples counselling would be a good avenue to pursue that, so it’s annoying that he’s not willing to try it. I’m lucky that my DH has been on furlough so he has driven me to all my appointments, fed our pets etc but he’s going back to work on Monday and stays away for most of the week because of his work location, I wouldn’t be surprised if that has a big impact on the support he provides moving forward.

I think we are at a similar point too, I had my fresh cycle in November and then FET in feb, both good embryos but neither made any attempt to implant. I’m having investigations right now for recurrent implantation failure, we’re having these after 2 unsuccessful transfers because my PGT-A tests came back with very good results, so it makes no sense that I’ve never been pregnant. I’m having an ERA cycle at the mo, having the biopsy on Thursday. I’ve had a thrombophilia screen and autoantibodies. I’ve had to move over to the “maybe it’s me” way of thinking too, initially we were unexplained with the only issue being grade 2 agglutinisation on DH sperm so I kind of thought it may be that. But they missed that I had a thin endometrium in my natural cycles (5.4mm at 9dpo back in September), I’ve since found out that I have a folic acid metabolism mutation (apparently common) and a mutation in one of the thrombophilia genes. I suspect that a lot of people would start collecting issues if they had all these tests though! And seeing it as one person’s fault doesn’t really help the situation, it’s more about figuring out what the issue is and getting it fixed.

Thanks @Yokey. I think you are right in terms of him not realising, also I think generally he's quite happy go lucky and self reliant so doesn't always quite realise I need more support. Remind me where you are in the journey?
Thanks @Gardenlady543 good luck with your ERA cycle. I agree about picking up diagnoses and I agree sometimes it feels like well surely lots of people who have no issues getting pregnant can have this too?! But I hope at least this provides some answers or can guide things going forward.
I do agree that I need to be quite clear if we do another cycle. Hopefully by then lockdown restrictions will be a little better so I don't need to isolate during treatment which might help mentally! I think the family stuff and minor issues I never made a big deal of until I needed to focus on me during the IVF so maybe he doesn't get why I'm suddenly making a big deal of everything and just the emotional consequences of 2 failed cycles is adding to everything and seeing friends who've been trying a lot less time then we have having kids or on to their second child. Xx

I do think that you need to sit down and talk to him. I know the desire to have a baby is so strong and especially in our situations which make us desperate but you can’t let those feelings allow him to treat you badly. How will things go with a baby if he continued to put his family first at your expense now or if he shows such disregard for your well-being while under going medical treatment -will you be expected to do all housework after a c-section or sleep deprived during baby cluster feeds?

I am currently starting my 6th fresh round of IVF and I am in a good place despite disastrous 5 rounds prior to this and this is as my DH supports me massively. He gets up early and walks the dog so I don’t have to go out in the cold everyday. Then brings me a decaf coffee in bed along with my morning medication, he makes all the dinners, does all the housework, won’t let me do anything except relax and runs me baths with candles etc in the evenings. He has full responsibility for all medication - timings, doses, mixing and checking pharmacist gave everything we need and does the injections. I sit down with tea and chocolate and he calls me in when it’s all ready so it’s a 5 min job. He always cooks my favourite meal after egg collection. I wouldn’t be able to do this if he was making life harder for me rather than easier - the emotional and physical toll is too big.

Maybe you could try talk to him again and if you get nowhere tell him he knows how much you want a baby but you’re not able to go through any more treatment without his support and that you need to do couples counselling before it goes any further. Good luck.

Thanks@Yokey. I think you are right in terms of him not realising, also I think generally he's quite happy go lucky and self reliant so doesn't always quite realise I need more support. Remind me where you are in the journey?

I'm having another FET in a few months. I had success last year so my desperate days are behind me, but I'll never forget them. The first relationship in which I ttc is long gone. I'd never felt so alone, inadequate, jealous and resentful. The relationship had other issues and its demise was for the best, of course. But infertility is so shit that it's easy for everything in your life to come under strain. Does your partner feel your relationship has suffered, or does he just not see the issue?

@ForeverAintEnough12 He's a keeper! How lovely that he takes part in the process with the medication. I'd be surprised if many men are like this though. My partner certainly isn't! I don't think he could tell you anything about the medication other than there were needles involved.
Sorry to hear about your failed cycles

I didn't feel my DH was particularly supportive through any of my 5 cycles- I'm not sure they can ever truly understand what it is we are putting ourselves through - but in the end I just cracked on myself I didn't have a choice really - it certainly made me more resilient and stronger - to the point I'm much harder than I was. I don't think I'll ever go back to the "old me" and that's certainly changed the dynamics of our marriage

So sorry to hear this @Roo45. It is such a tough thing to go through individually and as a couple. Would he consider going to counselling on his own, to have his space to talk? That might then open a window for couples counselling in the future.

I have to be honest, I couldn't say my husband was particularly supportive during our IVF. I kind of just got on with it myself but he of course pitched up as needed! He wasn't keen to talk about it much so I spoke with my best friends/sister/mum about it more. I think men struggle sometimes as it is something they experience very differently to us, and of course everyone deals with things in different ways.

Have you managed to have a conversation about how he is feeling/finding it? There may also be some complex feelings around guilt due to his MFI. Men can be complicated beasts but just cover it well with acting nonchalant/not bothered! Communicating is definitely key, but you might need to focus on him and his needs for a bit to see if you can get to the bottom of it. It might take a while for him to open up.

@Yokey I think sometimes we let men away with too much. I’ve have 3 friends from different friendship groups who all needed ivf after us. When they asked me about it I said my DH does all injections and is responsible for meds as I have enough to deal with - all three of their husbands went on to do the same as I guess they felt it was expected of them. The standard was there.

Women have a natural tendency to just try get on with things and not put anyone else out. I hope more women realise that their partner could be and should be more supportive of them and take an active part in the process.

Good luck in your FET.

Thank you everyone for your messages, and good luck to all those with upcoming cycles and transfers have all my fingers crossed for you!
I did suggest he tries counselling on his own and he didn't want to do that either. I think you are right I know he's upset but he doesn't talk much about it even when I ask.
I think I just got mad when I was under the influence of hormones and I'd ask him to help out with stuff and he wouldn't do it and trying to sort out the family issues when really the focus should have been me. I did talk to him and try and set some boundaries for the second cycle but the same thing ended up happening and maybe I need to be clearer.

Thank all xx

@ForeverAintEnough12 I know what you're saying, but I think you need to be mindful everyone's relationship operates differently and different people want different things from their relationship and partner. I'm glad your relationship meets your needs. My husband did none of the things yours did, yet my relationship meets my needs too 👍

@Roo45 just try to keep communicating about it in a non-confrontational way. Our best conversations happened when we were out walking. There is actually some science behind this supposedly (could be a load of waffle) - apparently you can speak more freely as you aren't looking directly at each other and the rhythm of walking helps keep the conversation balanced and the good feeling hormones released through exercise help you stay calm and respectful with how you communicate. Could be worth a try!

@MGee123 if it meets your needs to be feeling unsupported during ivf then that’s ok. But this thread is about someone saying the lack of support is straining their relationship. In ivf men have two jobs. Give a sample and support their partner. So many men seem to just give the sample and then let their wives ‘get on with it’. It’s not really fair - something more should be done - be that taking on the full load of housework and cooking, logistics or medications. It’s only for about two weeks per cycle.

Thanks for your messages everyone ☺️ we have started to talk about some of this stuff rationally and hopefully he takes it on board.
Whilst we are awaiting further tests I've decided to try and concentrate on planning post lockdown activities and diet/lifestyle factors (getting telltale AF signs now though first one since my failed cycle so I'm going to pig out this weekend though!) and when we get closer to another cycle lay out some ground rules that I need from him before we can start the cycle.
Xx