Infertility struggled

[nat1989]

Hi Ladies.
So my story seems to be quite unique, well maybe because I don't know anyone else who are having these problems. I had leukemia at 3 years old and underwent 18months of chemotherapy. I was amazingly fortunate and blessed to pull through it without any relapses. I lived my life for sometime with zero concerns about infertility as I guess it was something that I always thought well ill deal with it if/when the time comes never fully understanding that I could very easily be affected by the drugs I had. So when it came to the time in our lives that me and my fiance were finally ready to start trying for a baby (at 29) wasn't prepared in the slightest for the 2 years of mental turmoil that have since followed.
We started the process of fertility investigations after a year of TTC mainly because of my background, I knew I may be as fertile for as long as most women are and in hind sight should probably have started trying earlier but as a couple we just weren't ready. Anyhoo investigations showed I had a really good follicle count but unfortunately a low AMH at I think around 7. We have since had a round of IVF but the 1 blastocyst that was transferred unfortunately didn't take. We then thought best due to being stressed etc to take a break and step back from consciously TTC as I'm sure you ladies know, it just consumed us for so long. We have made the decision to try IVF again in the new year as want to spend this year after lock down having a couple of holidays before we knuckle down again. I'm just starting to struggle again though as so many friends are falling pregnant around me and I just can't help feel resentment and anger. I know in my heart I should be more thankful that I am even here in the first place, but its so hard when you want something so badly. I was just wondering if there are any other ladies having the same problems/feelings and any tips on how to deal with it better? Sorry for the long essay x

I didnt want to read and not text . I feel like this all the time i think everyone does who suffer with infertility. You already been through a lot you poor thing then have this to deal with. I have been trying for 4 years thus year it getting harder and harder. Did one round of IVf didn't work got delayed because of covid to I feel like it one big waiting game. Every time someone announce a pregnancy it kills me a little more inside each time gets harder because that's all we want. After the IVF I wanted to prepare my mind for the next time so been reading a infertility workshop book it really helps with alot of how to deal with these things it has helped still have moments. Also mediating I focus so much on getting body ready forgot about head and that the biggest part if this infertility journey I think now xxx

Bless you @nat1989 I feel that infertility completely consumes a person, it doesn’t matter what life events faced in the past, this just completely takes over and it’s normal to feel how you feel. I feel the same resentment when others seem to get pregnant without any issue, I find myself crying with the smallest trigger, I ended up snapping at my boss when he brought up his pregnant daughter in law for the second time for no reason when we were speaking about my issue, I just said “what do you want me to say, good for her, I hope she never has to experience the hell I’m going through”. Luckily he is a very nice guy and said he shouldn’t have brought her up, but I mean I don’t think others realize how upsetting birth and pregnancy announcements are.

@Hoping1 that’s interesting about the book, do you have the name? It sounds like something that will be helpful.

@Gardenlady543 I will attach a photo of it it really good as I could have wrote it myself it focus on everything including relationships and friends It has activities in they help clear my mind xxxx

Thanks @Hoping1 I’m going to try a sample of it and see how I get on

@nat1989
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I dont often comment but
I too feel your pain with the feeling of resentment when hearing a pregnancy announcement. I this morning have been told that a friend is expecting. I'm so delighted for her yet so sad for myself and annoyed at the same time. I feel bad as my first thought is "Oh another one's pregnant just brilliant" and in the second breath I picture the moment when (fingers crossed) that's me . Not sure if any of you have listened to any of the TTC podcasts? They are brilliant, so relatable and easy listening.
BFN (Big Fat Negative) and Fertility Life Raft.

Hello! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I wish you good luck and the struggles to finish soon!
I am trying to ignore such announcements and focus on myself, my journey, meditation and a bit of yoga help me stay focused.