Am I wrong for not pursuing IVF?

[Kiehl]

Hello MN,

I'm looking for some opinions on this question. I'm 37 with stage 4 endometriosis. My husband and I have been TTC for 6 months, we don't have kids.
My gynae has now referred us to the fertility clinic.
I suffer from severe endometriosis and my body is exhausted, I have flare ups which are so bad I've needed to be hospitalised. I also suffer from inflammatory bowel disease and waiting for bowel surgery.

I've had a look at IVF stats and it's not great for women over 35. It's also very expensive and I feel pretty defeated (already!). I've also been told, due to my health that I may have a higher chance of miscarriage.

Everyone says oh just do IVF 🤦🏼‍♀️ as if it's a silver bullet.

My worry is we go down the IVF and it is too draining mentally and physically. I'm worried it'll end up being the sunken cost fallacy. My husband is 45 and we don't want to spend years trying as we don't have too much time before we are much older parents.

I feel guilty, surely if I want to be a mum I should try harder?! Surely you would do anything to have a child. My husband and I have spent hours chatting it through. I'm so confused. I don't know how to feel.
Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Xx

It's a very personal decision to embark on IVF. I had no choice as lost both tubes to ectopic pregnancies but had also had 5 miscarriages. I had twins age 37 via IVF - the success rates are actually comparatively pretty good for women up to around age 38 - it's only after age 42 that success rates really do fall

For me the key driver was that I didn't want to have any regrets. I knew that if we hadn't done everything we could then I would wake up one morning in 10 years time regretting not at least trying it. I knew I had it in me emotionally physically and financially to go through IVF (only just though - we did a lot more cycles than we planned and also spent a lot more money then we ever envisaged)

The process is exhausting physically and emotionally though

Only you can know if it is right for you - similar to PP for me it was about having no regrets but you may not feel that way.

Also at age 37 I was told by my consultant that I was still young in IVF terms!

You could always try an initial consultation so you have all the facts about your particular situation and decide from there.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

@Kiehl it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on right now, so feeling as you do is completely normal. IVF is not an easy process despite how it’s portrayed by celebrities and in the media. It’s completely up to you in relation to what you decide to do, you could have the investigations and talk about the options, that way you know you’re making an informed decision with all the information you need to hand.

Another option may be to go through 1 egg collections cycle and freeze the embryos, that way you have them for the future if you need them and you can work on getting your physical health as good as you can get it right now, especially since you’re waiting for bowel surgery at the moment.

No. You are not wrong.

Don’t feel guilty. IVF is hard going, expensive and emotionally draining.
I was so totally driven, cycle after cycle, sacrificing family time, holidays, nice clothes /cars/home furnishings because every penny had to be for IVF/ICSI. I was very, very fortunate to have a child but the multiple attempts to have a sibling, the failed cycles and the miscarriages, drove me to breaking point. The fertility journey is hard.

The financial cost was remortgaging, bank loans and credit cards. We could be mortgage free for what we’ve spent. Instead we have 17 years to go and I’m an emotional wreck.

I actually had no fertility issues and started fertility treatment for MF infertility age 29 and finally stopped age 38 when we could no longer even afford the annual sperm storage fees.

The fertility clinic should have a counsellor attached to the unit, maybe see how you feel after the initial consultation and book a session with the counsellor and go from there? It’s a really personal choice and it’s not for everyone.

@Kiehl my husband and I have had exactly the same thoughts. But we decided to try 1 cycle and see how it goes. I am well aware it often takes more than 1 cycle to be successful. But I am likely to be a poor responder due to low AMH, and this is proving to be the case. We both said if we don't try we worry we will look back in 5 years and wish we had tried. But if I respond badly to this cycle we are not going to try again. We have decided we don't want to spend the next few years focusing on this and not living our lives fully. However we are lucky enough to have a daughter already (naturally conceived) so I do think I might feel different of I didn't already have a child. I had a scan on Tuesday which showed I wasn't really responding to the medication and have another scan tomorrow to see how things are going . So for the past couple of days my husband and I have spoken about what we will do if this cycle is cancelled. And we are both thinking at the moment not to try again. We don't think we can do it emotionally several times. And we have already discussed our thoughts on adoption (again a very personal choice). But I am happy we have tried, whatever happens tomorrow and over the next few weeks. I do think I would wonder what if otherwise. But it has to be an individual choice on what you both want.... it won't be easy to decide either way

I just want to say a massive, heartfelt thank you to all of you who have responded. ♥️♥️♥️
I actually feel quite emotional reading your thoughtful, understanding responses.
I have felt so alone and guilty with these thoughts.
The idea @ivfbeenbusy of regrets is a big factor.
My husband doesn't want me to struggling through the turmoil of IVF and the drugs and he has said maybe think more towards adoption. I agree but I need to try the fertility route so I don't have any 'what ifs'. I suppose we need to know what our cut off is in terms of how long we give it and it depends on our fertility results.
And if I am honest I need surgery before I try to carry a baby.

@MabelG and agree with an initial consultation.

And yes it is so so true that IVF is held up as just an alternative to natural conception and seems easy because of celebs and good marketing from fertility clinics.

@10001namechanges I'm so sorry to hear this 😥 I almost think having one child actually puts more pressure on you to have another one ♥️ I definitely need some counselling even if it's for the fact I can't have kids.

@Donimo I'm sorry to hear this. It is so so personal isn't it.

I am however very lucky and grateful that my husband and I are on the same page with all of this, that's one big positive to take from this