How can I take a step back? Cycle delay

[Roo45]

Hope all are well. My second icsi cycle failed and I found out yesterday. I had a consultant review today and he essentially said we couldn't do much for the sperm but it was worth checking nothing was impeding my egg quality and suggests laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. This might take several months and so I don't know when we could have another cycle.
For the past 6 months or so IVF has taken over my life. I've had to isolate during cycles so I've cut my working hours considerably obviously during covid I haven't been able to meet others but I moved for my husband's work and don't have many friends close by anyway. And most of my friends have kids and I feel bad saying it and I don't know if I could bring myself to see them in a role I might never have myself.

Bascially I'm at a loss to see how I can pass the time and not focus on IVF related things, that's been my whole life recently that I can't remember what it was before, does that make sense? At the moment I'm just lacking all motivation and every day feels like a hurdle but I think given my news over the past few days that's normal.
Any suggestions? Thanks for reading x

Hi @Roo45 I’m sorry to hear about your recent cycle, it so tough isn’t it . I felt the same after my recent cycle, so I decided to pause and have investigations, meaning there will be a 3 month break before the next cycle starts, I thought it would be great as I could just forget about TTC. However it’s been more stressful, the apprehension of test results has taken over and I’m finding it hard to get to sleep, something that I didn’t experience in the cycles. I have just spoken with a fertility acupuncture specialist today and I’m hoping that will help. It’s so frustrating with the lockdown because it’s not like we can say “screw it, let’s have an amazing holiday in Barbados” or something.

@Gardenlady543 thanks so much for your response and sorry to hear about your failed cycle. I think we are in a similar position in terms of waiting for further investigations, our main issue seems to be we get a decent number of blasts but they are almost all poor quality, but we had a lovely hatching AB blast this time that didn't take and some of my eggs were abnormal so they want to check for egg quality/implantation issues on my side and said there's not a lot they can do for DH as his actual sperm numbers are good but the morphology is low and motility near zero.
I've been so down with zero motivation the past few days. I wanted to hope maybe we will have some miracle pregnancy in the meantime but I haven't had a positive pregnancy test in 3 years so can't suddenly see it happening now. I come from a community where it's often expected women get married and pop out babies, the questions started a year after I got married and honestly I'm dreading attending family events when lockdown is over and everyone asking why I still don't have kids.
I'm thinking of taking up some hobby, I only work part time and maybe seeing if I can increase my hours at work (but that may end up being more stressful! Lol)
Sorry to hear about how you're feeling. Let me know how the acupuncture goes. Something I just started today which is helping me but maybe isn't for everyone is listening to podcasts about infertility. I think just hearing people talking about it reminds me there is a world where this is normal for people! The support here is lovely but over messages obviously the communication is different. And I can be connected to various aspects of it without focusing on me, if that makes sense?
I have also heard good things about the mindful of app but not tried it myself.
We are planning a UK break but not sure where yet. I think personally there's still too much uncertainty to plan abroad, but I think any change of scene will be nice!
Take care and good luck xxx

@Roo45 while my situation is different, in many ways it’s the same, I’ve never had a BFP ever, me and DH have produced good rates of euploid embryos, and I’ve just been told my lining was really thin on my investigatory scan and it seems to get up to an ok thickness but then shrink on progesterone. Clearly the embryos just don’t implant in me. While the investigations have been stressful I know it’s the right decision, so I would encourage a pause to attempt to get things sorted.

The hobby idea sounds like a good one, I do a lot of crafts, I spoke to the counsellor at the clinic and she recommended cross stitch which I was already doing! It’s so simple and takes my mind off things, I run 2 colour images through a cross stitch generator online and just sit doing it in the evening. I’m also into my gardening which will be starting back up soon with the weather heating up.

Podcasts can be good, I was listening to some from the egg whisperer but since I spend so long reading research papers on infertility, I’m trying to reduce my exposure to them now. So just make sure you don’t overload yourself with it, it has kind of taken over every aspect of my life.

I find headspace really good, so would definitely recommend any mindfulness app.

@Gardenlady543 sorry that should say mindful IVF app, it has meditations that cover different stages in the IVF process.
I agree that in the long run further investigations would be better, today I've just been struggling to get my head around it as I was hoping to start another cycle soon.
But I am worried about our embryo quality as I am 'young' in IVF terms and no known medical issues, the only thing is maybe my diet I'm good at having fruit/veg/pulses in my diet but I have a bad sweet tooth and am overweight but not massively so but that's definitely something I can work on in these months as I was worried to do too much exercise during our cycles.
That's the good thing about the podcasts just turn it off when it gets too much! I do listen to interviews with 'experts' but some podcasts have guests who talk through their own experiences and that is what I find most helpful to hear about someone else going through the same experience.
I was also going to say may be worth speaking to your GP if sleep continues to be an issue xx

Oh it’s only been a few nights so far, so hopefully it will be fine. I think it’s just been quite stressful for me to suddenly find out that my lining is an issue, it’s like starting at the beginning all over again.

I’m a big fan of diet and lifestyle medicine, I thought I was super healthy and my egg quality seems to reflect that, but I clearly need to get the lining thicker, I have Raynauds so the acupuncture specialist thinks it’s circulation related. I’m still going to trial a hardcore fertility diet in the ERA cycle I’m due to have soon. I already eat a lot of the food they recommend, but I’m going to try adding in beet juice, pomegranate juice, Brazil nuts and then a super fertility smoothie that I’m going to make from greens, spirulina etc. I vomited a lot in my last cycle so this may be very optimistic! I have a sweet tooth as well, I’m vegan and try to satisfy the sweet tooth with fruit and dark chocolate. I was worried about exercise too, but actually cutting it out in cycles wouldn’t have helped with the blood flow so I think I need to find a balance. I’m hoping gyms can open up again soon, I used to find it so relaxing to go.

Hi @Roo45. Sorry to hear about your unsuccessful cycle. I know how you feel. It’s on my mind constantly - when I go to bed and when I wake. And seems like everything is a constant reminder - no tips unfortunately and I guess with lockdown it’s harder with less distractions. I’m with a private clinic but the waiting lists are so long now that there are months between cycles. After my last failed cycle it was 7 weeks before I actually got a video appointment to discuss it. I’m constantly counting when something can start and when potentially the baby would be due - which gets further and further away. Sorry I’ve nothing positive to add - but I definitely feel you!

I have heard pomegranate juice and brazil nuts are good for your lining! You've probably heard of pineapple core too but I don't know that's there's medical evidence for this. I listened to a fertility acupuncturist on one of my podcasts and his discussion made a lot of sense and will hopefully help with blood flow too xx

@AutumnHoping sorry I was replying to the previous message when yours came. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and honestly I feel the same been so down and hopeless these past few days. I have found the podcasts I mentioned above helpful (well it's still early days I just started today lol) and will look into taking on some kind of hobby to put my mind off things. I took up knitting in the first lockdown and maybe I can start again, but there might be others things you could try? But in lockdown options are a little limited. Maybe planning a UK based break if you're able to I have found having something to look forward too might help too xx

@AutumnHoping or just something simpler like booking a spa day which is what my friend suggested, having to be careful about money though given all these cycles :(