Feeling like I can't do it again...

[NRW39]

When I started IVF over 2 years ago, I never imagined that I would want to stop until I had a baby in my arms. Fast forward to today and I am absolutely rung out. I feel like I can't do it.

I've has 4 full cycles and 1 FET. Cycle 1 and 4 resulted in pregnancies that sadly ended in miscarriage. The other cycles were unsuccessful.

I'm 41 and I had to have a self imposed break after my FET, because I had no mental strength left to do another cycle.

We are in the process of moving from a Hospital to a Clinic for our 6th cycle and I feel exhausted with it all. I'm still sitting on an e-mail from the clinic to book in for blood tests... I'm feeling pretty beaten these last few days and Mother's Day on the horizon has filled me with pure sadness. I cannot lift myself.

The pressures of lockdown are weighing heavy too. I miss my family and I'm feeling suffocated by my house and surroundings.

I don't know what I even want from this thread but I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading x

I understand how you are feeling @NRW39 - it really sucks. It's a bloody onslaught at the best of times going through this process and losses, and lockdown makes it worse.

I've lost 4 pregnancies now - 3 through IVF and 1 naturally when we were on a break, but which turned out to be an ectopic. I'm currently having a break and coming to terms with the idea that we might not have a child, biologically at least. Maybe at all.

Do you have any embryos left or will you be starting from scratch again for a new cycle? Definitely worth giving yourself a break for a defined chunk of time if you have embryos. How is your partner doing with it?

@orangefolly Hi!

I'm so sorry for your losses.

We only had 1 embryo good enough to freeze and we've used that, so i'll be starting from scratch, and I've developed anxiety about being anesthetized for egg retrieval. It's just another thing for my brain to deal with right now.

My partner is doing ok.
He's just come back from the shops - he bought me flowers, sweets, choc, crisp and a trashy magazine to read. I usually eat very 'clean', but he said that he thought I needed this today. He hates seeing me like this. I hate seeing myself like this. I miss the old me...

Thanks for your message and for asking about him.

Sending you some socially distanced hugs.
Wishing you all the best for whatever your next chapter is...

I'm gonna start on my snacks and watch The Crown.

Sending you a big hug OP 💐

@NRW39 I've just seen this thread. I'm only in my first round and am absolutely exhausted from it all. I hope you're feeling ok 💐

You have my sympathy. I'm exhausted from it too. It's all consuming. It impacts my personal and work life in such a massive way.

You mention anxiety from anaesthetic for egg collection. My clinic only offers sedation. Perhaps ask if you could be sedated instead of an anaesthetic.

I know the feeling. I've had 2 failed cycles so not as many but it's taken so much out of me. I'm desperate to be a mum but just can't see at the moment how I can put myself through this again and the worry of it failing again. I am trying to build myself up for it.

It's really really hard. Did you have any counselling and could you get it through your new clinic? I listened to a few infertility podcasts and it might not help everyone but I did find it helpful to actually hear people talking about their fertility treatments/worries and it helped me to remind me I'm not the only going through this sh**ty process.
Are you able to visit others now?
Thinking of you xx

@CurbsideProphet. Thank you for your message

Thank you @seven201. I will def ask about sedation.

@Roo45. Me and my partner had couples IVF counselling for a year and a half, which was absolutely amazing. She helped us alot. I would definitely recommend it. I also had some counselling on my own. I'm no longer having counselling though, it all became too much and I didn't know what to do with my emotions after the session finished and it was just too much during lockdown.

I'm in London so restrictions will lift this coming Monday. Once I've had my beauty treatments done: hair and much needed wax, I'll be making plans to reconnect with family and friends. I can't wait!!

P.s I have now had my blood tests at the clinic and I'm waiting results. Soon as they are in, we can get the ball rolling and start Cycle 6.

Sending positive vibes to all you ladies Xx

Hi @NRW39 thought i would message you as we did a 3 cycle IVF package and never thought we’d get to the end and have nothing. I’m now seriously contemplating buying another 2 cycle package even though I know how liberating it’d feel to never spend another penny on treatment or have to think about it again.

You must be drained and so sorry for your losses. I am actually glad I’ve done it all through lockdown so far as couldn’t bear the thought of being at work and having to face people right after a failed transfer. Best of luck to you for your next cycle xxx

@KayReeves

Being at work and going through treatment is bloody hard. After both of my losses I was signed off for a ridiculous amount of time. I could barely function. I ended up handing in my notice last February and I found myself a new job, and I've been working from home ever since and it's been fantastic.

I think as long as you and your partner want to, and you have the mental/physical capacity AND money to carry on, then the decision is basically made. (Thank God for our good credit and credit cards. We've spent so much...).

When I was feeling defeated and I told my partner, he said he'd support my decision and we'd stop whenever I wanted to. I'm now in a 'better' place, so I want to try again. We have 2 more chances - We have male factor infertility and we have 2 amplues of frozen sperm left . The sperm was surgically removed and we paid alot for the procedure. I can't let them go to waste and be destroyed, so 2 more goes...

@NRW39

That’s great you are in a better place and have the privacy of working from home during the treatment process. As for the money, I’m sure those who can conceive naturally would find it horrifying but I’d rather spend it now and give us a shot than regret it further down the line.

Wishing you all the best for your future cycles. Xx

@KayReeves
My thoughts exactly...!

Thank you for your warm wishes

Best wishes to you in whatever decision you choose to make regarding future cycles Xx

We're stronger than we think we are, ladies.

Realise this is an older post but going through similar. It’s torture. hope all worked out for you all whatever way that looks like xxx