Would you tell your mum?

[Kiehl]

This is a question I've never considered but now we are being referred to the fertility clinic I find myself wondering if I should tell my mum? I am close to my mum but I don't know if I'll upset her. But I don't keep things from her
She wants grand kids. My aunty her sister has 9 grand kids ranging from 4-14!

A bit of background. I have severe endometriosis which has led to being in hospital quite a bit and complications. Lock down has been especially hard.
I'm 37 so the odds aren't great.
I got married last year and we've been open about wanting a family.
So it's not rocket science to workout that we may need help conceiving at this point.

I don't know whether to mention it?
I've only told 2 of my friends ...we are a little friendship group but I don't want to tell other friends.
I will tell my sister but
With my mum through I just dont know.

What would you do?
Thanks x

It's such a difficult decision. My mum knows and I think for us it was the best decision. I think she was worried about my mental state and I think knowing the reason helped. For me it's been lovely being able to talk to her about it. She's always tried to hide it but it was always obvious she would love a grandchild and it was actually a weight off me for her to know that I want that too, but it might never happen. I'm going to feel guilty for sharing so much with her if this round doesn't work, but I'll also need her support and I know she'll grieve with me and talk about it in a way my husband won't. Bit of a rambling post to basically say nothing 🤦

It's obviously a very personal choice, but I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders as soon as I told my parents (once we decided we were going ahead with IVF). Like your mum, they really want grandchildren... and they made no secret of it. I think my mum was worried about me prioritizing work, travelling, etc over family and settling down, and I could tell that it was on her mind a lot, even though we're not particularly close. I'm sure she worries about all sorts of things now, but she seems to have accepted the situation easily, and is aware that this might be a long journey and that we need support but not pressure or added stress. I'm not sure she gets the details of the entire process, so she's not y sounding board as much as my friends as, but the fact that she doesn't pass unnecessary comments anymore, and focuses on asking how I am, is enough for me to be happy about telling them.

I was open with my family about IVF but at times found the lack of interest/support disappointing and to be honest through 5 rounds of IVF ending up distancing myself from them. To preserve what was left of our relationship really - better to have no support at all than support which is disappointing? I didn't tell them when I had a transfer towards the end of our treatment

I was open with my family but that's based on who they are, what I'm like, our relationship etc. We just had casual conversations about it. They're not overbearing or overly anxious etc so it was easy. @ivfbeenbusy has a good point though - is your mum likely to give you the support you need? Might you waste precious energy supporting her rather than the other way round? It really depends on what she is like and your relationship.

Also, I didn't get to the stage of many failed cycles so I don't know if that would have made a difference to my being happy for close family and friends to know. I couldn't think that far ahead or face that possibility.

I was open with my parents as talking about it helped me and I didn't feel any extra pressure from them.
I think it's also important though to prioritise your own needs at this time, so if you feel it will help YOU to tell your mum then tell her, if it won't help then don't feel you SHOULD.
I think if you do tell them it's okay to be clear about the support you need and how you want them to approach it with you e.g. will you find it intense if they keep asking you about it?? If so - tell them that you only want to discuss it if you bring it up, you appreciate their concern but you'll find it hard to talk about sometimes. If you think they can respect what you need from the process then go ahead and tell your mum and get the support you need x

I haven’t told my family. I’m not close to my mum and my brother is pretty selfish and never thinks of how his words or behaviour affect others... He’s also imminently expecting his second child so I just thought it would cause me more grief sharing something so personal. Of course they would all want me to be successful. I’m just struggling with the IVF as it is, don’t want any other ‘family’ issues making it worse. In some ways lock down has been a god send so I don’t have to ‘keep up appearances’. As others have said, it’s a personal choice and comes down to what your relationship is like.

I didn’t tell anyone and I am happy with that decision. I didn’t want to be dealing with my parents’ emotions as well as my own. But then I am the kind of person who deals with things by not talking about them. It’s a very personal decision.

I told my mum after (had a freeze all) so she knows we have some in the freezer and the process we went through but I won't tell her when we have the transfer as I want to make it special for her finding out if does work

I've told everyone close to me about our IVF, I'm open about it to acquaintances too.

It's helped me so much mentally and I just feel it normalises it for everyone.

Ultimately the only person who knows what is right for you is you. So don't base it on what helps other people... you'll know if you would find it helpful or not.
I know I wouldn't find it helpful to speak to my mum about IVF, I know that she would be praying for me all the time and she amd my dad would be coming out with annoying platitudes. But your mum might not be like that, or you might find that helpful or comforting.
I prefer not to tell many people about IVF, I've told a few close friends, hugely regret telling one of them, another has been very supportive. I value my privacy a lot so for me it's not worth compromising by telling my mum which would equate to her telling my siblings and many wider family members.

Dear Kiehl

There is some really sound advice from others on here. Ultimately I agree it has to be your decision and you must base that on your comfort and the relationship you have with your mum.
Personally, I wish I never told my mum anything regarding our IVF treatment. The support and understanding was not there. I used to be able to tell my mum anything, but I noticed as she gets older she’s not as open minded as she used to be, and seemed to be squeamish when I described certain biological tests and the processes that needed to be completed. She started acting weird after I told her we were trying it; mainly because I don’t think she really wanted to know. She tried to pretend she was happy for us, but I think she just worried that it wouldn’t work out and I would be left disappointed and stressed. We are going to go for our second cycle soon and even if she asks, I plan on telling her as little detail as possible. My two best friends and close cousin know; but I found the best support network was from the clinic (that we used) Facebook page. I’ve messaged many other women in the same position as me and only they seem to truly understand what we are going through. This is just my experience but I feel I get more support from those that are going through the same process than my closest friends who have not had IVF treatment.

This is such a tough one! We are a very close family, always have been but this particular topic is just so very private. I did tell DM, DF, DB but no one else. Husband told DB & DSL.

I actually regretted telling my Mum because she became so overbearing that it made the whole process a million times harder than it already was. She was calling me every single day asking how I was, how the drugs were working, how the scans were, planning for baby, shopping for maternity clothes and when I asked her very politely to back off and explained why, I was accused of being pessimistic and I needed to trust and be hopeful as it's "mind over matter". It was very intense during an already intense time. I never would have thought she'd be like that...I had a chemical pregnancy first time around and the second time we tried with our frozen embryo, we didn't tell a single soul. No family, no friends, no one. It was chill, it was on our terms, it was still tense but so much more relaxed. We have a DS from that cycle so my Mum is now an overbearing Grandma which I think I can live with...(just about..)

So I guess trust your instincts and do consider that the more people know, the more people will ask your for updates - which is of course not necessarily a bad thing, and it's with the best intentions, but it's so overwhelming as it is, sometimes all I wanted to just forget about it and put it at the back of my mind. But everyone is different and we all process things differently.

I just wanted to feedback to this thread that I have given my family a copy of "I(V)F ONLY" by Jodie Nicholson.

It's helped my family understand our process so so much and they now know better language to use etc

X

I am really really close to my parents and they know we will need IVF to conceive. However, I'm about to start stims and they have no idea! My mum went a bit OTT when we were planning our wedding - I love her, but I have no wish to repeat that experience! We have a holiday together in a few weeks which makes our tricky, but there are so many variables between now and then we have decided to just see where we are at the time.

It’s a tough call, depending on how you and your partner feel. Plus the response from your mum?

I don’t bother to tell my mum these days as she seems so bored by it. We have 1 embryo in the freezer, l doubt l will tell her when we transfer it and she is unaware of our 2nd cycle. It’s negatively affected our relationship as to be honest l am resentful of her boredom and lack of interest with something that’s so important to me. It’s not a tit for tat thing but a lot of what she focuses on l find to be quite shallow and dull

Im a fairly open book person and am v close to my fam so did tell my parents from day one. I told close friends, close colleagues and wider family too though as that was what worked for me. I felt like they could support me if they knew what I was going through. It’s so personal tho and there are lots of people that want to keep Ivf private so I think it’s best to go with your gut. Maybe if you aren’t sure right now -give it a few months and see how you feel then?

As others have said, it really depends on you and your mum. I never intended to tell my parents, then got very upset out of nowhere (hormones) when I was staying with them one weekend after a cycle had just been cancelled. Ended up “confessing” we were ttc using IVF. My dad was obviously very excited but my mum was terrible — my partner thinks she was just worried about me, but basically she said she didn’t want me to fixate on having a baby as it isn’t easy if you’re “not a natural mother”. She then said she got fixated on having a baby after she lost her first one (late stage miscarriage before me) but then it “wasn’t how I expected it to be at all”. So essentially I ended up feeling as if a) she meant she regretted having me and b) she thought I’d be a shit mother.

We have both told our parents, it felt like the right thing to do to let them support us and to keep them in the loop with things. Plus, we knew they would be wondering.

To be honest I have been quite open about it with friends and colleagues as well. It is just my way and I find it easier to talk than to bottle it up and pretend nothing is going on, for me that would add to my stress.

If it doesn't work then our support network will help us through that too. That's what friends/family are for. I couldn't really imagine doing something this big without telling people although I completely understand some people feel differently. It's a very personal decision.