Anyone else arguing with their partner about pre-IVF preparations?

[EL8888]

We are meant to be starting IVF next month.
Fiancé won’t cut down on caffeine and is reluctantly only going to cut out alcohol from about 2 weeks before. He was talking about a hot bath the other day. I’m increasingly resentful especially as it appeared to fail last time due to the quality of his sperm. Subsequent sperm comet test indicated his DNA fragmentation is high. In all honesty lm tempted to not go ahead at this moment in time. We are even doing donor egg to try to increase our odds. Increasingly l feel he’s wasted my time and the end of my fertility -2 years ago my AMH was great for someone my age and follicles were excellent. Follicles are terrible now and most likely AMH is

I’m really sorry to hear this @EL8888 I would be very frustrated if I was in your position. IVF is so hard on the woman with the medications and invasive procedures and it sounds like your partner is being quite selfish with his behaviour. Have you considered having some counselling? IVF clinics usually offer it for free during cycles and you should be able to request to do it as a couple. I think perhaps having a mediator present might be the best way forward. Men have to contribute so little in the IVF process, they literally have to live a healthy lifestyle and provide a sample.

OP this sounds so stressful. My partner didn't want IVF at first (even though he definitely wanted children! He just found it difficult to accept it wouldn't be the fairytale way). I'm afraid I did apply pressure. He was willing to do it to make me happy which is enormously important (though perhaps not ideal, but he's now glad he came around). I agree with Gardenlady- men do so little in the process compared to us and perhaps counselling would help. Perhaps he's not facing up to the consequences of his actions?? Do you think he'd be willing to do counselling? What does he say about his lack of effort? I would be resentful in your shoes too

It is very frustrating when you feel like they aren't as invested in the process as we are. I remember screaming at my DH that if I Could remember to insert Multiple drugs into various orifices the least he could do is remember to take his pre conception vitamin or id shove it where the sun didn't shine myself 🤦‍♀️ (not my finest moment I know!)

I used to obsess about it over my 5 cycles - my DH has a minimum 60 minute hot bath every day (so hot he looks like a lobster) and also drinks a fair bit of wine. To put your mind at rest
My DH best sperm results was the sample he gave after new year after weeks of boozing and bad lifestyle (and that was the egg collection which made our twins) - compared to our last cycle when he finally put in some effort and lost weight, cut out the booze and ate a largely vegan healthy diet (still had his daily bath though!) his sperm sample was the worst he'd given in 5 years x

@ivfbeenbusy did you have severe male factor issues as if not it’s a different situation to what is being discussed here. My DH was explicitly told by our consultant zero hot baths and make sure to take vitamins and follow med diet to try do whatever could be done to improve his poor sperm.

@EL8888 maybe he needs to see the consequences. Tell him you’re calling to cancel the cycle as he won’t prepare for it properly so there is no point doing it. Or tell him if he won’t improve his speech via lifestyle then it’ll have to be TESE to surgically remove it as this tends to give better sperm. Have you considered TESE in general - there was a thread on here where a good few women only got pregnant when it was surgically removed.

My DH has been caffeine free for 3 years now. He takes every vitamin I tell him to religiously, he gave up all chocolate and sweet stuff and also dairy gluten and egg after intolerance testing and only has alcohol in agreed breaks between cycles. I don’t think our relationship would be as strong as it is if I’d have to put up with how dismissive your DH is being.

I should say we also say improvements in his sperm and his frag has stayed down and consistently so.

My other half has been a lot slower than me to adapt lifestyle changes, but he has done many. Could yours be like that? Mine has seriously wound down his drinking, but he was many months behind me in making lifestyle changes. He's still not taking any vitamins but we do eat a lot of vegetables and so on. Neither of you need to be perfect, but changes where he can is obviously good!

@EpiphanySoul1

Yes. We were originally referred due to male factor but I ended up losing my tubes anyway. His morphology ranged from less than 1% (after healthy eating and following guidelines for months) to 6% after a boozy Xmas?

Do you think there is a chance he is, subconsciously, sabotaging this attempt? Maybe delay this cycle and use the fertility unit counselling service. It is such an emotional rollercoaster, I’m not surprised you are starting to feel resentful, he really needs to put some effort in. I hope he sees sense and decides to make the changes needed.

I think the idea of counselling together would work

I have had many arguments with my partner about IVF also. It's not all rosy and exciting for everyone. Covid hitting and us being on lockdown the past year as probably been the best help for us as my partner has cut most of the bad stuff out by not having that socialising aspect anymore.

My partner was also very concerned about his sperm, and him being the issue. Which is think caused him to be more argumentative about things. However, now we have got four in the freezer he's openly more excited about things and talks about it daily. It's such a strange shift in his attitude but not one I'm hating lol. I think we both tried to hide our feelings.

I did counselling by myself, but I do wish I had asked my partner to join (it was my choice to do it by myself only )

I had similar - eventually got him to take proxeed and cut down on alcohol but not completely. Now we have frozen embryos he drinks a lot at weekends, but I often join. He hasn’t had a Bath for a while. He had one after the miscarriage last year - and of course I let him.

My other half is now driving me mad as he’s put our house on market, wants to move, loads of people coming round to view, some with babies. Doesn’t get why it upsets me. Said it’s not right time to move. Just ignores me mostly. Feel so alone right now. So you are definitely not alone xx

@Whatwhyhowwherewho l don’t think he’s sabotaging things. Until now he has led quite a charmed life, I think he’s thinking is “lm sure it will be fine”, for clarity no health professional has told him this

If we cancel then l will never continue -lm too burned out and old to go round this track again.

For clarity l have no interest in counselling. Tried it before but found it pointless, it’s an ongoing situation and the end isn’t in sight sadly.

I feel have done above and beyond with IVF, vitamins, healthy eating, exercise, not drinking or minimal alcohol etc. Not that it’s helped our fertility or me losing weight (my BMI is now under 25 but it’s taken ages and lots of effort). To be honest I want to do literally the bare minimum e.g. take the meds and turn up for the transfer. I also like a drink and it’s not as if my stopping up until transfer will change anything probably. If it’s good for the goose, then it’s good for the gander. I know some women will crawl over hot coal, do 10 rounds of IVF etc with minimal partner support etc but l am not that person

None of this has been helped by a random pregnancy announcement last week from a friend of his. Of course they have been together about half an hour, “weren’t really trying”, have other children et etc. Of course the friend has drank copious amounts of coffee and alcohol Which most likely is validating my fiancé’s perspective

FFS our latest row is because he wanted to have a bath. He’s not listening to me is he?

Sorry, @EL8888. He is being a bit of a dick. You shouldn't have to argue about something as unnecessary as a hot bath. And you should definitely go easy on yourself and have that drink! Not because your DH isn't trying, but because if you're generally healthy it really won't make a difference

I’m now getting flashbacks to when we did IVF last time and he was super keen to promote no alcohol, healthy eating, no smoking etc for me. But didn’t think it applied to him. His first degree is in biochemistry and he’s a qualified nurse!

Thanks @Yokey l have some Sauvignon in the fridge

@EL8888 he doesn’t seem to understand he has sub fertility which means what everyone else doesn’t apply to him. I’m sorry - I’m so frustrated on your behalf. I honestly wouldn’t be able to cope with his behaviour, as I said earlier my DH has gone above and beyond for years now for me as he knows what I go through with a round of ivf. Why doesn’t he want to make the effort for just a few months to improve chances of if working and to save you having to go through this again.

I would also worry about what he would be like as a father if he’s so unwilling to alter his life at all to conceive. Would you be expected to just get on with everything?