How do you accept you will never have children?

[LudoBear]

Due to numerous reasons, I'm highly unlikely to ever have children. However I've wanted to me a mum for as long as I can remember. As a child when asked what do you want to be when grown up always to be a mummy.

I've never actually tried to get pregnant though, so it's not like I'm unable to have children (I have pcos tho), but I've not chosen to not have children either.

I'm asexual, have pcos and adhd, on long term benefits living benefit payment to benefit payment
..get my money tomorrow, currently got 52p left. No way I'll ever have a child.

How do I come to terms with that?

Hi @LudoBear it sounds like you’ve got an awful lot going on at the moment, do you mind sharing your age? I ask because I’m wondering if something happened recently, like a milestone birthday, to make you feel like this right now?

I think your question is really tough to answer because a lot of people on here have had a wide range of experiences.

In my situation, I think about what it may be like to not have children from time to time and that makes me feel really upset. But we’re still fairly early on in our treatment, me and my husband tried to conceive for 12 months and we’ve had a fresh and a frozen transfer which were unsuccessful, we’re having further tests at the moment and we’re still optimistic because there are so many people on these boards who had to go through multiple cycles before they were successful.

Are you getting any counselling at the moment? It might be useful to ask your GP to refer you so you can talk through everything that’s going on.

I'm 33

Hello so sorry to hear what you're going through! I would second @gardenlady543 to look at counselling, in many places it is self referral so if you look this up online you my be able to refer yourself without seeing your GP but your GP might be able to offer other support.

There is a group called the dovecote foundation, for those who are childless but not by choice, whilst they may not have the exact experiences that you do that might be a place of support?

Do you have close friends or family with children? Would being involved in their lives (e.g.helping look after or being there on special occasions) help or would that make the situation worse?

I think everyone comes to accept their situation in their own way and what works for some will not always work for others. I agree it sounds like you've got a lot going on though and counseling to talk through all of these issues might be helpful xx

@LudoBear that’s still young when it comes to having children. I didn’t start trying until I was 34.

I don't think the Asexuality is really an problem - lots of single women (het, lesbian, asexual or whatever) have children via sperm donor. It's more the cost of the process (especially if you go down the safer, legal route) and also the costs of raising the child that sounds like it might be difficult for you.

I really hope things change for you financially and you can go ahead (as pp noted, you are still relatively young in fertility terms so there is time for that to happen) but if not, I'd second talking to your GP about counselling.

Oh, and by the way you really have my sympathy - I have PCOS too and am on low income as well and fertility treatment is so expensive. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that my next IVF (and likely last due to finances) could also not be successful - childlessness is such a hard thing to come to terms with, I don't know how to do it either

You never know how things can change, OP. I tried to have children for 10 years before my successful IVF. At 34 I was single after a long term relationship ended (in which we had tried to have children). Being single and knowing I was infertile in my mid 30s felt completely hopeless. But by 37 I had my baby (and a wonderful partner). You still have time.

For you, it seems money is the main obstacle. Is there any possibility of you coming off benefits at some point in the future? Are you still hoping you can find a way, or do you really feel you'll have to find a way to accept being childless? Either way, I agree with PPs that counselling might be helpful