Worst things to say to someone experiencing infertility?

[evalooda]

Did anyone listen to Emma Barnett on the 'How to Fail' podcast? She spoke really well on her infertility and said "fertile people cannot comfort infertile people", which was blunt but true.

All the women in my friends and family are nothing but lovely and supportive, but none of them have experienced any struggle TTC.

We hear all sorts of well-meaning but, ultimately, really useless comments.

When I told my mum we were being referred to a fertility clinic she said, sweetly, "you never know, they might just say relax and it'll happen".

For me, I think "just relax" might be the most annoying of all comments when struggling to conceive!

What are your gems?!

(About me: 38, TTC 2+ years, just starting fertility investigations)

'Just relax' and 'it'll happen when you least expect it' are the worst! The former because it implies it's somehow your 'fault' you haven't conceived for not relaxing enough! We have MFI and I feel like saying well relaxing isn't going to improve my partners sperm count is it?! I know people mean well but it's so bloody annoying.

And I also want to say 'well you try TTC for 3 years and tell me to bloody relax and just 'not think about it' !!

*try to relax sorry not tell me to relax

@Roo45

And I also want to say 'well you try TTC for 3 years and tell me to bloody relax and just 'not think about it' !!

YES!

And there's always someone they know who tried for 12 years then it 'just happened' - that's really lovely and I get why you're saying it, but it's not helpful!

“Just adopt. There are plenty of kids out there”
“It’s in gods hands”
“It’ll happen when the time is right”
“Oh wow you’re having problems, I got pregnant on my first month trying”
“Have you tried YOGA” or replace with acupuncture or fad diets.
“At least you can have a lie in”
“At least you can go holiday”
Replace with other irritating “at least...” or “why don’t you just...” comments.

Anyone know a polite way to tell people to do shut it?

I haven't told many people about what we're going through but they've all been supportive in their own ways. The worst comments I've heard are from people that don't know, but should know better.
I had a student midwife ask me if I had kids then say "oh, don't you want children". Thought she might know better.
A friend who struggled to conceive and was one of those lucky enough to be referred and get pregnant while waiting joked about how crazy it is that people do ovulation tests/check temperature etc and said the dreaded just need to relax. She doesn't know that's where I was at that point but the dismissive tone hurt.
Someone I'd only recently met was talking and she'd been through IVF. She asked if I had children to which she responded "Oh, I won't ask, I know how it is when people ask" in a tone that implied she was asking.

Perhaps if you'd gone to church more....

Maybe you'll have a lockdown baby and you won't need that IVF....(I don't have any tubes left after 2 ectopics....not a lockdown I needed but a holy miracle!)

Maybe it's because you have cats.....

Some of these are right gems, “are you stressed, try to be less stressed” is one of the most annoying.

I’m doing everything I can to be as stress free as possible, while having IVF in a pandemic!

I just reply with “everybody having IVF is under stress, despite that it can still work.”

@ivfbeenbusy

Perhaps if you'd gone to church more....

Maybe you'll have a lockdown baby and you won't need that IVF....(I don't have any tubes left after 2 ectopics....not a lockdown I needed but a holy miracle!)

Maybe it's because you have cats.....

Because you have cats?! WTF that's hilarious

It wasn't part of a conversation about infertility but I mentioned to my friend that I was having tests done as my periods were getting more and more painful. I had just met my now DH after being single for years, she knew I wanted children and that I was hopeful now that I had met someone. Her response was "Is there any point doing tests, at our age we have to accept any problems like that are probably just the beginning of the end". We were 35. I went home and cried. She has 3 children and constantly jokes about how fertile she is and how easily she gets pregnant. I'm now having IVF and wouldn't dream of talking to her about it.

I've also had the "I bet you'll have a lockdown baby and not need IVF" comments, as if the problem all along was not being stuck at home together with lots of time for sex. Lack of sex was not the problem!

Thanks OP for mentioning that podcast, I just listened and really identified with a lot of it.

Fertility declines after 35. (Thank you so much, I didn't know how to calculate my age or know any facts about fertility :) )

Move to Australia. I know many people who had children after they moved to Australia

Leave your job

I literally have some people ask me why I didn't have a baby in lockdown as there was nothing else to do. So many people had it.

I find the worse are those who had infertility struggles, have a baby then forget about how annoying these things are!

Have a friend of my DH who was trying for 5 years - failed round of IVF, several failed IUI, few natural conceptions that end in miscarriage and then a surprise natural pregnancy!

No joke when we met up with them after having their baby I was told by her

1. Sure I’m only young (I’m the same age as her 35 and last time we met she cried about how she was running out of time!)
2. It’s true if you just relax it will happen as they conceived on holidays ( I didn’t point out they’d been on many holidays over the 5 years they were trying)
3. We need to ‘give up’ as they conceived once they ‘gave up’ (even though she was going to a fertility acupuncturist when she got pregnant so how much had they given up!)
4. Her pregnancy was 100% natural (repeated several times)

Needless to say I’ve been avoiding her since. We have been TTC 4 years with 5 failed IVF’s behind us.

@evalooda really excellent podcast. Thanks for highlighting it!

How long have we got?! I will start with:

-Relax, you’re probably too tense
-You can have one of mine!
-Do you really want a baby? Maybe you don’t really and this is your bodies way of telling you
-I’m more tired than you though, as l have 2 children (this was after l mentioned Clomid made me tired)
-I felt miserable after 1.5 years of trying (now approaching 3 years!) so booked a weekend away and a few nights out. “Friend” says she would love to go away more but claims she spends all her money on childcare
-Well, l struggled as well. In reality she got pregnant month 5 😠

These are brilliant!

I reconnected with an old friend at Christmas who had a baby last summer, and she said she'd really struggled to conceive, so I confided in her about our own fertility struggles. We agreed to have a proper chat about it the next week on a video call.

Anyway, bless her, it became apparent very soon in the chat that she hadn't struggled at all to conceive, it had just taken her longer than she'd liked...

I guess there's only some of us that end up having to learn the difference between 'it's taking longer than we'd like' and 'nothing's happening, we might need help'!

Ours isn't a club anyone wants to be in, but I feel cheered and less alone by everyone's messages here today! :)

“When you’re a mum you’ll understand.”

This is my own mum’s favourite that she likes to dole out. The other day I literally spent half an hour or more detailing all the tests and procedures I’ve had and that we’re now waiting for IVF funding and she turns round and says it yet again. I mean how in the holy hell is that helpful?!

@evalooda

Yup the same close family member who said my lack of church attendance and cat ownership was responsible for my miscarriages also said that DH and I needed to have more sex because clearly we weren't doing it enough because "back in her day" people didn't have trouble conceiving because people had a lot more sex in the 80s as unemployment was high and nothing else to do! And then went into detail about her sex life 🤢

@ivfbeenbusy that is shocking!!!!

At least you have your family now. I dread if we don’t get there having to put up with the insensitive comments forever 🙈

I was told to go to Thailand for 2 weeks - her friend got pregnant there on holiday and she was told she was probably infertile after cancer treatment. She’s so insensitive I don’t speak to her now

@ivfbeenbusy that’s grim! Eugh

Ugh I'm sorry about some to the stuff you girls have had to deal with! I've had a close family member ask if I'd go back to 'normal' after having IVF or if I'd need it anytime I wanted kids (we're dealing with MFI) after that I was very careful about who I told.
Another annoying one- 'dont think about it and it'll happen'. 'it happened when I stopped trying' umm WHAT?! Again, these people need to try TTC for several years and see how easy they find that! Xx

“It’s not the right time”

“Have a break”

“It wasn’t meant to be”

“Are they looking into it because you’ve lost so many now” (when already under c/o recurrent miscarriage consultant and they were aware that I was)

“Maybe it’s not meant to be” (as if I don’t think that already a million times a day! - not helpful)

“When you’re a mum you’ll understand”

“You can try again”

“Stress less”

“Careful not to get pregnant again until they’ve done all the tests, it’ll only happen again (MMC)”

Comments received from friends/family during 6 recurrent unexplained pregnancy losses. X

@RainbowTime that's awful, I'm so sorry.

Can't people see these comments feel like a kick in the face when you're already down?

It makes me worry if I ever said such insensitive things before I was in this club.

I always knew never to ask people if they were trying, but who knows what daft things I said when I was young and still believed all women are hyper-fertile (like we were made to believe in school)!

@Roo45 Absolutely.

I had to point out to my mum that we were relaxed and not thinking about for ages - in fact too long, as we had a "oh wait, it's been 18 months" realisation that made us start concentrating more!

The absolute worst for me was "when you're a mum you'll understand" (as PPs have already highlighted). I heard this from multiple people, some of whom knew about our struggles and others who didn't. What a patronising and smug thing to say. I like to think it was said in a hopeful, positive "you'll get there one day" kind of way (as these things are usually well-intentioned) but it gave me the absolute rage. It's also usually said about something that is very easy for even the most stupid and unimaginative person to understand.