Infertility has killed my desire to have children

[MetPel28]

Hey everyone,

In 2019 I had my first ectopic pregnancy in my fallopian tube after my husband and I had tried to get pregnant. We were so excited that it happened on the first try and devastated when we found out that it was ectopic and had to be removed surgically before my tube would rupture.

The year after, I tested positive on the same day as the year before and it apparently was a sign of bad luck because also this time it would turn out to be an ectopic pregnancy and this time it was even worse than the last time because my tube ruptured quite early and I had to undergo emergency surgery.

Now, I have no tubes left and we had our first round of IVF last summer. We managed to have one egg evolve to day six and decided to freeze it because I had a mild case of hyperstimulation.

We haven't had the egg put back yet after a year of COVID-19 where everything was terrible for everyone. It was just not the year to try our luck at getting pregnant and to be honest... I'm not sure I even want to anymore.

I'm 28 and my husband in 30. He's more than ready for a child, but I'm so afraid that this egg won't become our first child and that I would have to go through IVF yet again. Truth is, this infertility has brought on so much pain, so many crushed dreams and heartbreak that I'm not sure I can go through any more disappointments and more physical and psychological pain.

I can't feel the baby fever anymore and I'm so afraid it will never come back again because of my infertility. I feel pressured to feel ready because I know the longer I wait to try again the more difficult it'll be to become pregnant. There's nothing I'm looking forward to in terms of actually being pregnant either because I just know the second I do get pregnant, I'll be so terrified of losing it that I'll spend the nine months worrying about everything.

I guess I hope to hear if anyone else can recognize these feelings I'm having, and even better if someone had these feelings (especially not feeling the baby fever and no excitement for the pregnancy but had it come back again) then that would maybe give me some hope again.

Thank you so much. .

Our story isn't the same as yours but l totally understand your feelings. We tried for our second child for 4 years and had one failed IVF attempt in 2017. I was so upset with the whole thing and felt traumatised like it was a car crash. The thought of going back to the clinic was so awful - l couldn't even think about ringing up for such a long time.

We had 6 embryos from that cycle so knew that there was a chance to go back. After 2 years, we decided to give it a go as the embryos were there but l was so worried and scared that it wouldn't work. I just didn't want to regret it later. We had those embryos tested and 3 were found to be normal so we used one of those for the FET cycle.

I was almost resigned to the fact that it wouldn't work and ready to move on and realised that we were lucky to have one child. Amazingly, the frozen embryo transfer worked and we now have a 7 month old little girl. I was honestly absolutely terrified throughout being pregnant but it is entirely worth it now she's here.

I know it's so hard to think of facing it all again but it is worth it if it works and you'll know that you've tried everything if it doesn't. I would highly recommend acupuncture as it has helped my anxiety so so much and l had in twice on the day of the transfer. I also had counselling with my clinic and that was extremely helpful too. Wishing you lots of the luck and really hope it works out for you x

"There's nothing I'm looking forward to in terms of actually being pregnant either because I just know the second I do get pregnant, I'll be so terrified of losing it that I'll spend the nine months worrying about everything."

This doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want a baby anymore. This sounds like someone badly hurt trying to protect themselves from further pain.

Which is totally understandable. But I do think you may regret it if you give up. It'd be one thing if you really no longer wanted kids. But it doesn't sound like it.

That said, you're young, why not take a few months to heal and think about things ? See how you feel then ?

I absolutely get what you mean by not feeling the baby fever or excitement. After many years of infertility I just held my breath all the way through the pregnancy. It’s self protection I think. I had a little hope though and that’s all you need, you don’t need fever pitch excitement, just love for your baby and quiet determination to do your best to look after yourself and them to give the best chance of success.
Like Marty said you are young. You could have a break! I found it useful to remember to look after myself on the journey years before falling pg.
I can’t begin to imagine how traumatic your experiences must have been. But don’t let these put you off pursuing your dreams in future x

I kind of get where you’re coming from. It sounds like you can’t face more disappointment, which you have had a lot of already. Plus if things do work out for you, then you will on edge for so long through the pregnancy. Maybe you need some time to figure out what you want and enjoy the benefits of having some time off from it

Fertility issues have probably killed my urge as well. My angle is a little different as l feel l have made lots of effort and got nowhere apart from feeling ill, wasted money etc. I don’t want to expand more effort on IVF or the effort of actually having a child. My fiancé isn’t especially thrilled by this development. But as l rather bluntly said to him IVF isn’t as much effort for him