Friend didn't respond when I told her about my failed ivf

[Heidi3333]

Hi ladies.
Just wondering if I'm being too sensitive here.
Im 45, single and have a 5 year daughter from IVf with donor sperm. I have been trying for a sibling the last few years but with no success. Last month I had a cycle of IVF which was a total disaster as I spent £7500 and none of my eggs even fertilised 😕. I was pretty gutted.

I have been friends with a lady for about 15 years from when we worked together in London. I moved back to Scotland about 7 years ago but we still keep in touch by text, send each other xmas and birthday cards etc. She has a child the same age as my daughter and like me she's on her own. She split from the Dad a while ago. She has often said she'd like another but doesn't think she could do it alone. She's 43.
She texted me 6 weeks ago asking how I was. I told her about my IVF failure alongside lots of other news. She didn't even reply and I haven't heard from her since. She messaged first and I replied with all my news and normally that would be enough until we next made contact but I'm really surprised, annoyed and hurt that she didn't even take 2 seconds to respond to my bad news.
Am I being over sensitive? Or am I justified in being annoyed?

@Heidi3333 I have been surprised when I’ve built up the courage to tell old friends, a few clearly don’t know what to say, like I’m a lepur or something, they’ll say something like “relax it will happen” and change the subject. I’ve found it quite hurtful, I think some people just don’t understand. I just speak to one close friend who is having IVF and 2 friends who don’t have/want children at this time, otherwise I just don’t talk to anyone and stay off social media. I don’t think people are purposefully insensitive, they just don’t understand or know what to say I guess. Sending hugs, it’s so hard when you don’t get support, especially from old friends. So sorry to hear about your recent experience too

Thank you Gardenlady.

She's normally very sympathetic and understanding in general. However, I went through a 6 month period where I was trying to conceive with a known donor and she once sent me a text saying she didn't want to talk about anything to do with what I was doing. She hasn't start trying to get pregnant at that point.
I just think it's not hard to send a message showing a bit of sympathy.

@Heidi3333 wow that’s pretty hurtful for her to say she didn’t want to know anything. Maybe this friend isn’t the best person to rely on I hope you have some other close friends to talk to that are more sensitive, it’s so hard this process

I was ready to say that most people just don't have a clue how difficult it is, but having seen your follow up post ("she didn't want to talk about anything to do with what I was doing") I have to guess she disapproves? Either that or it touches a nerve for her. There has to be more to the story if she has said that to you.

Hopefully you have other sources of support. All that money for no fertilisation at all must have been heartbreaking

In my experience it can be a very uncomfortable topic for other people if they haven't gone through it themselves, she may just not have known what to say? , it could even be the use of donors? I know someone who lost a lot of friends due to using donors to conceive

Hi ivfbeenbusy thanks for your reply.
My friend was delighted for me when I conceived my daughter with a donor so I don't think it can be anything to do with that. I did have other people give me a hard time about it though!

You're not being over sensitive and you're right to be annoyed.

I have a friend who flits in and out of my life, can be full on emotional burden and then becomes very distant. I've decided to keep her at arms length, am happy to text/see her at times, but nowhere near as frequent as we used to and i've tried to detach myself from any emotional involvement.

No idea why she could have done this if she's not against using a donor. She didn't want to know when you was TTC before and now after your unsuccessful attempt, she had no sympathy either. Whatever her issues, it's just not nice to blank you both times and frankly, nobody needs a friend like that!

Congrats on your DD, i'm 42, single and using a donor too, hopefully FET soon, so it's nice to hear success stories of others going it alone.

It could possibly be a case of envy then? I know you haven't actually conceived again yet but you are closer than she is if she wanted another child?

I found a close friend was very happy I got pregnant the first time but when I had my twins after 7 losses the interest just wasn't there. I suspect they always wanted more children and me having two at the same time set off the green eyed monster 🤣

Also something could have happened in her life which has distracted her from replying?

Thanks for the replies.

Islandstar- good luck with your FET. Baby dust to you! You are right, I don't really rate her much as a friend for other reasons but this situation has just confirmed my belief!

Ivf - I wondered if this was her problem. She's like another child jut doesn't have the confidence to pursue it on her own and could be jealous of me. However, there have been plenty of instances in our friendship where I've been jealous of her (she announced her pregnancy after I'd just had a failed treatment) and I just gritted my teeth and congratulated her as I realised the problem was mine and not hers, plus I didn't want to upset the friendship. How hard is it for her to send a message of condolence? Normally I'd have contacted her by now as we tend to take turns about imitating contact but I'm not doing it 😡. Congrats on your lovely family x

Thank you!

I think you're right not to initiate next move. If she ever does get in contact and asks you why you haven't been in touch, you can say you was hurt after she didn't respond to your sad news...since she actually asked how you were in the first place! Plus it's the second time she's blanked you, so there's no reason for you to run after her.

You might find that she's like my difficult friend in these situations and will leave it long enough so she thinks it's all forgotten about, then get in touch like nothing ever happened! All gets a bit wearing to be honest, some people are just a drain emotionally when you have to second guess them all the time.

Thanks islandstars

If she mentions my sad news next time she makes contact then I'll just leave it but if she doesn't then I'll just be ignoring her and doing the slow fade away. Like I said, I've had doubts about her for a while but if she acts this insensitively then that'll be it for me.

When you replied did you ask how she was or just tell her your news?
I know you've been through a lot but I have a friend who does this and I find it difficult to reply straight away because you have to muster up all the content of the return message based on what they've said so it's all reaction rather than reaction and sharing information. She might have felt exhausted by it and didn't have the energy to respond. Depends how long it's been I suppose.
Hope you're ok thats sounds awful x

Thanks Foodie

She told me all her news, I replied with all my news and responded to her news. I haven't heard from her since and it's been 6 weeks. I did include a lot of different information so she may have felt a bit overwhelmed which is why I'll wait and see if she mentions the ivf failure in her next post. I'm prepared to wait and see x