Stressed. What if doesn't work, my partner doesn't like adoption idea.

[Hugzy]

Hi,
I'm really stressed at the moment. Me and my partner are due to start IVF but he has said that if it doesn't work out then he doesn't think he can adopt.
It's turned my world upside down.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Or can offer advice?

Hi,

Myself and my husband can't have children due to a medical condition he has and we found out over five years ago (prior to getting married) When we found out we looked at IVF and the chances vs expense (even had a family member offer to pay for it) but every time it came up he started to become very uncomfortable and withdrawn. Eventually we had a big discussion and he told me he was sorry but he didnt want to do IVF as he felt his condition making him infertile was for a reason. We spoke about sperm donation (even the possibility of using a family member so it was still related to him) but with the family idea we both werent keen and the idea of me and another he was really weirded out by, Then we spoke about adoption, He said he wouldnt rule it out but also wasnt up for it as he felt he would be legally taking away a childs identity (which I could understand). Anyway few years pass and I left my horrid office job last year saying I didnt want to do a job that I put my heart and soul into for nothing so I asked him if he would be interested in fostering and looking at the options since theres respite, short term, long term and permanence - So unlike adoption we can choose how long we want to care for, we get "holiday leave", If its not working we can tell them its not working and the child would be placed elsewhere (horrible yes but sometimes its for the best) And support as well as it being an actual job so I would be earning. We done our research and he said he was happy to go ahead with this - And to my surprise said he would prefer to go long term and permanence as that was similar to adoption but not as the child would be with us until they ended care. (Obviously fostering comes with ALOT of differences to adoption like getting checked up on, meetings with birth family alot of hard work )THEN to my surprise further he told me he would be happy for an adult who we had fostered and had left care to be adopted by us or adopt our name as it would be fully their choice. - Im ranting a bit but it took five years for us to finally look at our option and he slowly changed his mind as he became older. Now we are still in the process so may never become foster parents but if it doesnt happen we would happily live just us two but spoil our nephew. I hope this can help you a bit. I wanted nothing more than to become a mother and have a family and when we hit that wall I really didnt know what to do but eventually I weighed it up and decided I was more than happy for it just to be the two of us with no children rather than split to start again with someone who wasnt my SO for children. (Plenty of little kids in the world who need good parents to look after them) He may change his mind over time he may not but perhaps if adoption fostering isnt an option you could do childcare work?

I think its a case of weighing it up, If adoption,fostering isnt an option and there are no chance of children do you think you can have a happily life without children and no resentment ?

I hope this helps and I hope the IVF does work for you! Men can be strange emotional beings!

Hi,
I have asked him why and he said it's just because it wouldn't be his. Same with donor sperm. At first he was ok with the idea but now he is not so sure.

I am an only child. So I explained that if we didn't end up a family and something happened to him then I would be left alone, on my own, growing old. I know this is my own fear, and I would hate for this to split us up, but it's really causing me a mental breakdown.

We still have a chance and I have to take it. But I'm so lost.

I'm so glad things worked out well for you in the end.

I totally get where your coming from, Im the youngest of both our families and he is 10 years older than me. Most of my friends are also 5+ years older So I have the same fear if we dont have any children of our own then Il be alone for the remainder of my life and probably end up in a care home with no visitors! Totally get where your coming from! He understands my fear and I think thats why hes willing to try fostering because even though they wont be ours via dna we hope they will still become our family. I dont speak with my own family but the one I made with people who support me helped him realise just because they arnt related doesnt mean they arnt family!

It doesnt help your fear but we ended up getting two cats and a dog who became our babies and I think that helped him get over "if its not mine its an issue"

I completely understand that lost issue especially when its drilled into us from a young age we should start a family. It is a serious issue and you dont want it to cause issues in the relationship esp having it on your mind when going for IVF is just going to add more stress you dont need.

I would sit down and ask him why is DNA such a huge deal, You could get adoption from birth so the baby would be yours from its first day. (And men dont bond with babies until they are born!)

During our fostering process its really opened up my OHs eyes to just because it itsnt mine doesnt mean it doesnt deserve a loving home that I can provide. Its something that can break good relationships.

Does he really 100% want children? If so ask what the difference if its from Ivf or adoption, either way its a child who needs a loving supportive family to give them the best start in life.

I really hope the IVF works out for you.

But at the same time dont let his choice in life stop you from having what you want or affecting your mental health! Relationships are about compromise!

Sending hugs xx

I know when you are starting down the IVF path it can be quite comforting to think 'okay, well there is always adoption'. Its true there is but adoption/fostering etc are completely different propositions to IVF and a baby you and your partner have created with really big things to factor in of their own. I think you might have to be at least a year post-fertility treatment to even be considered for adoption.

We are currently doing IVF and at the start I found it good to think okay, well if this doesn't work we can adopt. I don't know, maybe we will if this doesn't work out but I do know now that when you are in the midst of an IVF - approaching it or in a cycle - its a really hard thing to consider rationally.

I've gone form thinking that maybe we could adopt to thinking I'm not sure we could or would want to.

My advice would be to put the adoption question to one side completely for now and focus on the IVF. Your partner has given you the most honest answer he can right now, that might change if circumstances change in the future. The way you feel might change too. IVF is enough of a rollercoaster without considering something else as well. Good luck!

Thanks both. For your advice and for not making me feel like I'm alone on this.

I know I really need to focus on the now. We start our first IVF cycle in March.
I've taken time off work to try and clear my head and lock the adoption idea away for now. I think counselling is something we need to do first. My partner did not really know what to say when I explained my reasoning to him, so that may help bring out a more structured discussion around, well, everything really.

I think your right hugzy about counselling, when we looked at IVF we were told counselling is something that should be done along with IVF as its such a difficult process. Its also good to have someone who can see both sides of view and talk them out in a safe place.

Good luck and I hope all turns out well!

Hi @Hugzy this is a really crappy place to be so I feel for you.

In case you haven’t already tried this, If you’re doing IVF now, could you access the counselling separately and/or together to see where you get to and understand each other a bit more?

I’m a bit like you in needing to have a plan B if this (my first) round doesn’t work, I’m 39 and have to self fund because of the postcode lottery of NHS funding. We’re undecided about whether to try and find the money to try again or look at adopting. I’m more keen to try again, he’s more keen to explore adopting, we’re ok as neither is 100% either way but I can imagine this is a really difficult place to be. I was so certain I’d want children but as this is my second relationship and he’s a good one I know I can be happy and ok without a family if it comes to it.

In my previous relationship we’d tried to get pregnant and had a referral for infertility we split up while waiting, it definitely wasn’t just infertility that was the reason but it sort of highlighted the reasons the relationship wasn’t working and our lack of communication. I considered going it alone in sperm donation or adoption very briefly before I met Mr39 but I knew I didn’t want that.
My only advice is to keep talking and try to understand each other’s perspective, I was pretty anti egg donation but went out of my way to listen to podcasts, research and now I’d consider it. Maybe if you can get him to agree to read a book, watch a tv series or go to an online info session on adoption just to see how he feels it might help both of you?
Wishing you all the best.

Years ago, before we even started trying, my husband said he wouldn't do IVF. By the time it got to be a real possibility for us and I brought it up he'd changed his mind. Right now I'm not open to adoption, but that could change in the future. Life experiences and knowledge change us so I'd try to focus on IVF for now, and who knows how he'll feel if it comes to it. I think one of the hardest things is not knowing and thinking of all the possibilities but it drives you mad. Good luck 🤞🍀

@pixleflower my partner wasn't open to IVF either when we were about 11 months in to TTC and it didn't look good. After a little time, tests and reflection he changed his mind on that. At one point I was pro-adoption, he wasn't. Again that has flipped round now. There was one point after our first cycle was cancelled were we were considering egg donation. You find yourself having conversations you never thought you'd have. Its extraordinary. Agree that you have to learn to live with not knowing on this journey. Its so, so hard.

@Hugzy agree that counselling might be an idea if you are struggling. For what its worth I actually found that in some ways once we got into the actual IVF it was easier that the hope and disappointment of TTC and knowing in my bones that something was wrong. At least we are doing something about it now. Don't get me wrong IVF is no picnic but we are getting through this, we'll end somewhere with it, we'll be okay whatever that looks like. So will you.

Hi,
Thanks again for sharing your experiences.
@39andabit yeah they said the counselling can be both or individual. I really think I need to suggest us both going first. But then I will likely need extra alone.
@pixelflower I do hope that his idea of adoption is something that changes, as do we all. Maybe even long term fostering.
@39andabit Do you mind me asking - how much is IVF self funded? I'm really sorry that the postcode situation fell short for you. I hear it's something the CCGs are looking into.

Counselling sounds like a great idea. My DH isn’t up for adoption, and I do see where he’s coming from. Adopted children will likely have experienced trauma, will likely have attachment disorder, potentially fetal alcohol syndrome, and often have other complex additional needs which he thinks makes it more challenging to be an adoptive parent, and he’s scared of the impact on us and any child if it doesn’t work out. Maybe we will change our mind, but for now adoption isn’t part of our back up plan. If this round of IVF doesn’t work we’ll do another, and probably another 2-4 rounds beyond that depending on if we can cope emotionally and financially. If I were you I’d work with the counsellor to put adoption to the side for now and focus on the next step if you can.

Thanks @kikisparks I appreciate your feedback x

@Hugzy

I'm in the same position, nearly exactly, but about a year down the road. We are about to try our fourth/third round of IVF, (one was cancelled mid round.).

At some point we just looked at each other and it really hit us it may not happen for us. My numbers are pretty bad. But, when that hit, I realized my main feeling was that my future lacked meaning without children or adoption.

I'm not sure if this helps, but we took time to come up with an actual plan B, and I've felt a lot more at ease since. I said if we really can't do this, I want to go volunteer at an orphanage for a year, or and he wants to do local mentorship for young men. I'm sure everyone's would be different. I don't need to be presumptive, and I'm not sure if it helps you at all or not, but I thought, I would share, as it's brought a lot of peace to us.

@Hugzy we are paying about £4.5k for IVF but the drugs were £1.5k! I am on quite a high dose and long protocol which may be a bit more. You can shop around for drugs to save but I didn’t have time between my nurse planning appt and starting. That is just 1 fresh transfer you have to pay for any frozen on top of that.
Depending on how old you are it may be worth looking at ABC or access who do reduced rates for 2 or 3 cycle packages or money back if it’s unsuccessful schemes. It all feels a bit wrong that it’s a business exploiting people’s desperation... sad.
I agree re people changing their mind and understand the logic in just dealing with where you are right now but like @waterlily00 I feel better if I can think about what I might or might not do next. If you can both try and stay open minded about all options and agree to do the research before making decisions that may help. Glad you’re considering the counselling.
I also agree with @kikisparks though adoption is a very different path. I worked with children in care for a long time and have seen adoptions break down so while I certainly wouldn’t rule it out I am undecided. I think it’s an absolutely amazing thing and could potentially be even more rewarding than having biological children but you have to be prepared for an even bumpier road.
Wishing you all the best.

Thanks @waterlily00 and @39andabit

Your advice has been fantastic and a plan B is definately something that we need to discuss.
Ah man my head hurts with all this! But thank you!

Before we went to IVF my partner made it clear he would never adopt at all . As time has gone on and he seen the process of ivf then gone through how it his sprem that low and a bit of me. After we had failed IVF when our emotions settled down. He said to me the other day that he would look into adoptions if it doesn't work our next two time. We been on this journey 4 years this year I think your thinking changes along the way. Xxx

@Hoping1
Thank you. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I have raised the topic of counselling to my partner, here's hoping! I do think I need to discuss a Plan B with him.

Thank you.

My partner says he couldn't adopt and couldn't have a donor (sperm or egg). Like PPs' partners, he wasn't at all keen on IVF either, but he came around (and is now very happy he did).

I was like you - I just needed to feel there were several options and that it wasn't IVF success or bust. I couldn't even definitely say that I would be willing to adopt because it's such a different thing. I just needed less pressure and more hope. In your shoes I told myself that there were other possibilities (because there are), that nothing could be written off at this stage, and that we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. In the end, we never came to it. Hopefully you won't either. Good luck

I think you need to go with the flow farward thinking sometimes takes the hope from this moment you are going through and IVF needs all of you and your energy. I am trying to chill more and focus on the now for my second IVF I bought a mindful book about Ivf it has really help and my parner has been doing it with me . It has lovely partner activity in it I post what it is called xxx

This is it it has really help after first IVF failed

Thank you @Hoping1