Infertility and friends

[Rdaisyleo]

I've wrote on here before about my relationship with my friends whilst ttc.. I just want to say whats going on and see if I'm on my own or not...
so I have 2 friends that I've had from childhood. Both have children under 2. I've been ttc for 5 years... both know this and 1 has known since last June that we were having tests... not once has she messaged me privately to just see how I am or in between lockdowns asked if I fancied a brew or walk with her alone... but I know that her and my other friend do this on the regular as when I do get invited they mention things that they have spoke or done privately.... I'm annoyed to put it bluntly I feel like I've got pointless friends.. also I'm jealous, last night I got a private message from this friend to say that my other friend has had an ectopic pregnancy and then told me to pretty much message her straight away.. I'm not stupid, obviously I was about to. But thats annoyed me. As she's making sure this friend is okay... she's never done this with me... also I want to know if I'm the only one who's felt this way, I'm jealous of my friend who has had an ectopic pregnancy (how pathetic am I) . She got pregnant by accident the first time. Has had the coil since and has now got pregnant straight away again.... obviously I hope she's okay but I'm sad that I cant even get pregnant and I'm doing everything and have tried everything to get pregnant.... sorry for the rant

Hi @Rdaisyleo, I have been thinking a lot about this recently as I have also felt hurt. One of my closest friends had a baby last year and I have tried to support her in this important moment of her life but she has never asked how I was doing since I mentioned we had problems. I don't really want to discuss it in any detail with her but just knowing that she cares would make me feel so much better. She has been quite insensitive at times as well (saying for example that she conceived quickly because she wasn't trying 'too hard', that medicine nowadays can solve pretty much anything suggesting infertility isn't really an issue and telling me about her plans for #2). I have recently started avoiding her to protect myself but that's hurtful too - it's so sad to lose a friendship of 15+ years over something like this and I'd still like to be there for her. I have had a similar experience with another friend who doesn't have children. It's frankly quite isolating. Sorry I can't offer any advice, I am wondering myself what to do.

@azahar8 wow its sounds like we're pretty much in the same boat. I also don't want to go into detail with my friend about whats going on but she does know we are struggling and has never asked me in general if I'm okay... she also is insensitive about things she talks about. She claims she has had infertility struggles (never went to a doctor), which is fine BUT for someone who has "been there", she will talk about people getting pregnant to me and will tell me about people who have had babies and has even tried showing me pictures....I'm 26 and have known her all my life also I have this other friend and they basically come as a package.she knows I've been trying for 5 years (doesn't take a rocket scientist to know im struggling) but will talk about how her first was an accident changing pills and that if its meant to happen it will. Her comments hurt .. if I'm to cut ties with one, I'll have to with the other. I'm also at a loss with what to do really. But its nice to know I'm not alone in this situation (but I do feel for you being in it)

Yeah, my friend also keeps telling me about people I hardly know getting pregnant. While I don't mind hearing about her child (I am quite happy for her), I wonder what makes her think I want to know about the pregnancies of friends of friends... I am sorry you are going through this too.

Aw it's super tough lovely. I'm in a similar spot where in my group of friends (8 of us) there are three not with children. I often find they all arrange to meet up through the day with all the kids and it ends up being whilst I'm at work. Friends with kids get invited to the kids birthday parties and so see each other more and play dates arranged etc and I just generally feel left out :(
One of our friends had her 12 week scan for her second baby today so I was hit with that image in our group chat. She told us she was pregnant quite early on.

Two friends from our group know I'm away to start IVF. One messaged me after the picture went in the chat to see how I was and this is a friend I had a falling out with for a couple years and we are only recently getting back on track. The other friend who has known for a long time now has said absolutely zero about it. Not even asked when we are starting, how the waiting is going or anything.

It's tough. I don't wanna go shouting about going through IVF but when you do open up and tell a friend for support and you don't get any support it's really disheartening. I'm just going to stick with my Mumsnet friends for support now

Thanks @azahar8. I hope everything works out for you
@willithappen im sorry for what you're going through aswell. I've had the scan pictures etc posted to our friends chat and its a hard thing to see. Things like that or comments throw my entire day off. I completely agree, I don't want everyone around me knowing my business, it makes me feel like I'd be pitied all the time. But the friend I did open up to has never checked in on me... I think I need to distance myself from it but its so hard without making it obvious. For the last year I'd say I've not looked forward to seeing either of them and when I see they've wrote in the chat, I can't be bothered to reply most of the time. I think you're right in sticking with you're mumsnet friends for support. I need to do the same I think. There's always someone on here that seems to be going through the same thing and its nice to have someone to talk to

I'm jealous of my friend who has had an ectopic pregnancy

I totally understand this ridiculous and horrible feeling. Infertility is just so shit.

Your friends probably don't know any better. They don't get it. They probably can't even imagine what it's like. Not really. If they make you feel shit, distance yourself. It's hard enough without others adding to the burden

I would be distancing myself from these friends. It’s easy for people who have never experienced real fertility issues (trying for 5 months isn’t fertility issues contrary to what a friend of mine thinks!). I have been impressed by the lack of tact, self absorption and compassion bypass so many people have. 2 examples of many are: me mentioning l felt tired and ill from IVF drugs, my then friend said l had it easy as her children are so demanding! Or me crying that our IVF hadn’t work and then within minutes, another friend telling me her plans for maternity / paternity leave for her 2nd child

I'm watching this thread.
My friends have said oh just adopt or it's not that great having kids....between them they have 5 healthy kids.
Other friends are like awww you'll get pregnant try not to worry just have IVF.
Ffs I have extensive endometriosis, I'm waiting for bowel surgery, and I'm 37. I've never been pregnant and I wish it was easy. And I hate the idea that I have to spend £££ on TTC when some friends and other people literally look at sperm and get pregnant.

It really is so difficult and I’ve found myself avoiding the friends who say this sort of flippant stuff. It is isolating but at the same time I know they’ll upset me if I do speak to them so I’d rather be on my own. I’ve had all the usual comments about relaxing and being “positive” and “when you least expect it” or the “just adopt”. These comments always come from those with kids already so I think they just don’t understand what we go through. I have a single friend with no kids who asked me if I was still stimming about 2 months after I started my stims (I had told her when I was starting) 😂. I don’t think it’s case of her not caring for 2 months, she and people who haven’t been through it just really don’t have a clue. Doesn’t make it easier with the silly comments and “advice” given but I try to acknowledge that they can’t possible understand something they’ve got no clue about so I’m trying not to hold it against them.

you're not alone in this OP!

One of my oldest friends knew we had problems (I hadn't gone into detail but she kind of knew we'd been trying for over a year and I was having pains, end, PCOS etc). She announced her pregnancy to me last year on mothers day. I cried all day (felt so pathetic!). I was then tasked with helping with her baby shower in the summer which nearly killed me. But I did it as I was happy for her. Explained fully afterwards (As Id left pretty early) that I hoped she had had a good day, and told her a little more of our struggles and that when she had baby I'd like to see him but wasn't sure how I'd feel. She responded by saying my struggles were "just part of the journey to becoming a parent!".

She had the baby in October. Two days after her baby was born I had my laparoscopy, ovarian drilling and adenomyosis diagnosis. I walked over 2 miles with a bouquet of flowers to her, because I couldn't drive (post op) and she was too tired to meet me for a socially distanced walk with her newborn near mine (fair enough, newborn= she was probably knackered). It felt like a competition to see who was more tired/ had more pain tbh! I've offered to meet her since and there's been no effort from her at all, even when we weren't in lockdown and could walk.

She hasn't once asked how I am since, I always text her first to see how baby is doing.

Sorry to hijack (not my intention!) but what I'm trying to get at is, she isn't being malicious, she just doesn't realise she's doing it as she is wrapped up in her own bubble. A lot of people who haven't had fertility struggles don't realise how all consuming this can be! It's nothing malicious, and I think we need to give the benefit of the doubt to these people. A few others have said too.

(trigger warning here.... )

I'm now 6 weeks, (found out a week ago!) I'm absolutely terrified, and I can't bring myself to tell her any time soon. my 12 week scan will be around mothers day and out of respect for any of my friends who may be having fertility issues that I don't know about, I won't be mentioning it to anyone that week incase I upset them.

Though if I hadn't had all these fertility issues, I probably wouldn't think about that kind of thing. I'm hoping in time to come, things will change, but I'm not sure it will!

Congrats Fro93
I think it's understandable to keep it quiet and compassionate of you.

I've got one friend who keeps saying she's so worried she can't have children. I can't bear the messages. She knows I've been unwell and in hospital and I'm a few years older than her and she knows TTC.
She has no reason to worry about her fertility and they haven't tried to conceive yet. But seems zero awareness of my situation. I mean know your audience
It kills me because I'm riddled with endometriosis and I'm waiting for parts of my bowel to be taken out and on top of that getting rid of endo in my pelvic area.

One of my best friends has just had a baby and she's actually been amazing and so understanding.

I lost every single one of my female friends whilst TTC, except for my very best friend who understood (to an extent) what I was going through after her own brush with infertility. She is also just an absolutely lovely person.

Everyone else? They either ditched me or I ditched them.

It’s so hard. And so very, terribly lonely.

My heart goes out to you ❤️

I have learnt that sadly you need to tell people that you'd like them to check in with you. After my last failed ivf I sent a whopper of a message to my family telling them how pissed off I was that they'd forgotten about my ivf. I even wrote "PUT IT IN YOUR DIARY NEXT TIME THEN" when one replied to say they'd forgotten. That is all very unlike me. I'm not saying you should send an angry test like me. I've also told friends over the years that I like to talk about it as they say "they don't want to bring it up". This has honestly made all the difference. My friends and family are now supportive and I am pretty honest with them. Although you will still get people who really have no idea how utterly shit infertility is and just don't really care. They're the ones who you don't want as friends. They should at least try. Sorry, went on a bit of a rant there. My point is I think you need to make it clear that you need support and you want them to check in on you. Best of luck

I’ve opened up to my friends about how difficult it is, and sometimes they are still incredibly insensitive but others have been so lovely.

I do have a friend who is my best friend in the universe and has always just seemed to get me. When I opened up to her she decided to send me photos of her stunningly pregnant friend and then her friends newborn baby. I didn’t speak to her about it again for a while. She FaceTimed last year to tell me she was pregnant and how it was such a surprise and she felt guilty for telling me. She also said “don’t worry, your time will come” (as if now she was pregnant she was the expert on getting pregnant). I cried for 2 weeks solid. This was coupled with me getting a really low AMH result and knowing my success with IVF might be lower. I felt like someone had died.

She messaged me a couple of weeks later to say “thinking of you” I responded to say thanks and that I was really struggling so hadn’t been in touch. She responded to tell me she was having an ectopic pregnancy. It felt like I had only come to her mind when she lost the pregnancy. It was such a difficult time because I was incredibly sad for her but felt it was unfair because her pain was totally being validated. Like imagine if I’d told her “don’t worry, your time will come” in response to her telling me about her loss?! Just because the sperm has never met the egg in my case, to me it’s still a loss! It feels like I’m not allowed to struggle or to grieve.

I don’t think all of this online, FaceTime, what’s apping is great. If I was face to face with my friends they’d see and sense my pain and be there for me. But it’s so more difficult behind a screen!

Sending my love to everyone struggling with this!

@Fro93 Your story made me so sad. Sorry but your ‘friend’ is an absolute twat! But then was so happy for your news, huge congratulations!

All the stories on here are all just so shit. Infertility is a real pill and as @seven201 says it’s not just friends either. When I told my mum we’d been struggling to conceive for over two years her knee jerk reaction was to remind me how fertile all the other women in our family are and “We just have to look at ‘one’ and we’re pregnant”. Great, thanks mum.

Then my best friend “I won’t tell you that you can adopt because no one wants to hear that”. No love they don’t but you basically just said it anyway. Another time she said “Oh I totally wouldn’t mind if you were pregnant at my wedding”. Her wedding is 18 months away, I’ve been struggling for three effing years now. You can imagine what I nearly said in reply!

As others have said people are just SO oblivious until it happens to them unfortunately and it’s hard for them to even imagine what it might be like, never mind empathise.

I know my mum and friend don’t mean any malice (and are probably trying to say the right thing but keep cocking it up) which makes it easier to take but I really don’t blame people for being so blunt or cutting people out when their friends and family are behaving appallingly. Sometimes you just need to protect yourself.

Much love and best of luck to everyone here suffering with this heartbreaking minefield.

Reading all of your comments makes me realise why I no longer speak to my friends during this awful infertility journey and disregard any use of social media.

This is painful. I think people have absolutely no idea at all what we’re going through - hence why they say the things they do.

I have no desire to be surrounded by those who have absolutely no idea or inclination to understand the physical and mental pain I am experiencing.

P.s to @WhatKatyDidNxt - the friend who claims they had fertility problems because they tried for 5 months doesn't sound like a friend at all. These people need educating and need to stop their nonsense, it blurs the lines and minimalises what people experiencing infertility are actually going through.

@Fro93 huge congratulations! All the very best to you for a safe and healthy pregnancy.

@Roo45 sorry to hear about the insensitive nature of that experience with your friend.

Every word feels like you’re being cut with a knife. I’ve never been one to dwell on words previously but this journey certainly makes me feel alienated from others in ways I never imagined were possible.

@WhatKatyDidNxt this all sounds too familiar. Do we have the same friends?!

@RiverRiot exactly, l have nothing against adoption in itself but it’s not for me. Plus l have already jumped through way too many hoops

@Rdaisyleo thinking of you. Harsh as it sounds you need to distance yourself from these people. They sound especially self absorbed and thoughtless. Good luck with everything

Girls there is a really good podcast on ‘how to fail’ the one with Emma Barnett - highly recommend it re infertility and the pain. She says on it ‘fertile people can’t comfort infertile people’ and it’s so true.

I have been on this road 4 years with multiple ivf. I got so lucky until this year as my friends/family have all been really good even when announcing their own pregnancies. They been brilliant and as a result the friendships are fine and I’m totally fine around their babies Then I had two incidents this year. One friend who got pregnant and despite knowing what I’m going through sent me tons of bump selfies. It actually really damaged my mental health and Im now starting counselling. I was on the verge of ending the friendship but decided to tell her outright what it was doing to me. Luckily she apologised but I haven’t spoken to her much since as I’m still very messed up about it. Another friend got married the same year as me so 4 years ago. Said they didn’t want kids, went off travelling the world etc eventually came back and settled down, told us she was coming off the pill and they’d decided to try and then sent her 12 weeks scan a few months later. While it’s not her fault at all it really hit me badly too as I’ve been through hell in that time and she just changes her mind and poof there’s a easy health pregnancy. And I think I’d also thought if I didn’t get there at least I’d have one friend without kids. Now I feel so alone.

I’ve had to distance myself from them both. My birthday is on Mother’s Day and I’m dreading a ‘happy birthday epiphany and happy Mother’s Day to the mothers to be’ in the group. I know it’s coming. 😭😭