Supporting a friend through IVF

[Pastnowfuture]

I have 3 friends who will be starting IVF this year. All very different backgrounds. 1 has older children from previous relationship and is going abroad for private treatment but the cost will put them into debt, 1 is having NHS treatment starting this month after a complicated/traumatic eptopic during lockdown and 1 is on the waiting list for NHS due to to unexplained infertility and a miscarriage 12 months ago. Not sure if the context makes any difference to the support I should offer but just in case.

So as not to drip feed I have a 8 month old and his conception was a suprise. My friends are aware of this. I am very sensitive about this and I appreciate I don't have any relevent conception experience to share with them. I'm certainly not one of those telling them to try and relax. One friend has been told by everyone and their aunt that it hasn't happened because she has a stressfull job and quite honestly I feel like they are unwittingly putting feelings of blame on her for loving her busy job.

I love these three people dearly and want to be there for them but its so hard during lockdown.

I would love to know what your friends said (or didn't say) or did that helped. Send flowers/gifts- if so at what stage. One friend has confided her worries it won't work due to her age and I respondedwith positives ie she is healthier than many people a decade younger than her. I don't know if this was the right thing to say.

I would really appreciate any advice. I'm honestly not trying to make this about me but I feel so helpless when I see how much they are hurting.

@Pastnowfuture it’s great that you want to support your friends. Interestingly, I’ve had the most support from friends that don’t have children and don’t want any. I think it’s wise not to mention your conception. The hardest thing for me is birth announcements and pregnancy announcements, I don’t need to hear how people got pregnant without trying or on the first try, it makes me feel horrendous.

I think the main stages of IVF that are difficult are:

• finding out the results of the initial tests, including the AMH and AFC, these are indicators of egg reserve and can indicate the chance of success and how long they have on the fertility clock.
• how they respond to stimulation medications, your friends will have regular scans during the fresh cycle, so check in- when is the next scan and how did it go after. These will indicate how many follicles there are and how they’re growing.
• the day of egg collection, this is a fairly invasive procedure, usually done under sedation. They should know the number of eggs collected before they leave and later that day the embryologist will call and tell them how the eggs and sperm look.
• the day after egg collection the embryologist will call back and say how many fertilized, there can be a drop off rate here as some eggs aren’t mature and some don’t fertilise.
• there is then a nervous 5 day wait to see how many make it to 5 day old blastocytes which mean they can be transplanted.
• then it’s transfer day. And after that the dreaded 2 week wait to see if they are pregnant.
• if they aren’t and have extra blastocytes that weren’t transferred then these will be frozen and they’ll talk to a specialist to discuss having a frozen embryo transfer cycle.

I think have those dates in mind, check in regularly. With three friends you may need to keep notes, so you keep track of what’s happening with each friend. Ask how they’re feeling- side effects, discomfort, anxiety. I’m sure your friends will really value your support. I’m not sure about flowers, there are so many ups and downs, nothings been a triumph for me as I’ve not had a live birth which is the ultimate goal.

Watching with interest as I'm in a similar position @Pastnowfuture with 2 friends going through IVF.

I've not had fertility issues but I've had premature babies, one just a few weeks ago. It's been very hard to know how much to share without upsetting them. I too want to be supportive and sensitive to their situation, I feel like I always say the wrong thing.

@yellowgecko all I can report is my experience when it comes to babies, which is that the thought of anyone getting pregnant and having a baby and hearing about babies really upsets me. I’m facing a life different to that which I’ve always envisaged, a life without children, as are other women going through infertility, so I just can’t face anything that makes it worse. Maybe your friends are different to me, but I personally would find it really hard to hear a friend telling me about their baby. I appreciate that your situation can’t be nice too, but maybe best not to mention the baby unless your friend asks.

@Gardenlady543 that is incredibly helpful. I will definately keep track of key dates and check in so they know I'm thinking of them. I feel very naive but I've been so preoccupied with the potential emotional impact that the physical aspects (side-effects/discomfort) hadn't even occured to me.

@Pastnowfuture it was a steep learning curve for me to get to grips with all of this, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the detail, as I said the friends that are the most supportive for me, have no intention of having kids and know nothing about this process.

I think the main thing that your friends will appreciate would be for you to take an interest and check in regularly. If you don’t know what something means just ask (they won’t expect you to know the process) and if you don’t know what to say just ask “how do you feel about that?”. Even just a “thinking of you” message will mean a lot. This is a really lonely process, I get a lot of support from these forums and it means so much when my friends check in.

Also, I am not much use as a support to other friends right now, it might be worth baring that in mind, not to expect too much back while they’re going through the process (I’m sure you’ll understand that), with all the medications, procedures and ups and downs, it kind of takes up everything.

@yellogecko My little boy was not premature butborn very poorly and spent time in NICU. I've found the best way to approach the situation is to let them take the lead. Two of my friends will politely ask how my son is but once I give a vague 'we are good' response the topic is quickly changed and that's totally okay as they need to look after their own mental health.

Another regularly requests specific updates on what he has been up to and for photos. I always provide these but only when she asks as I figure she might have days when she doesn't want to see such things too.

@Gardenlady543 Everything you have said makes absolute sense. I wish you the very best of luck with your journey.

I think sometimes the best thing to do is ask your friends what would help them personally as everyone is different. For example the advice about regularly checking in - I would have found this way too much pressure !! I just wanted to know I could go to people when I did need to talk. If I told everyone the ins and outs of my treatment it would have felt waaaay too much pressure especially when things weren't quite working out! I have a friend recently going through the same thing and I just asked her - eg does she want me to ask about the process or would she rather come to me and I'll obviously always be here - she said the latter because sometimes when people are asking her all the time she just really doesn't want to talk about it
Just an example about how each of your friends might really be processing this differently and wanting different support

I think just checking in regularly, appearing interested in the process would be enough? I was very disappointed in friends and family who showed no interest in what I was going through and allowing me to talk about it.

I think also being realistic that your friendships may change certainly in the short to medium term - especially if your 3 friends are part of the same friendship group. They are naturally going to lean on each other through shared experience and no matter how lovely a friend you are you just won't ever be able to truly know what going through fertility treatment is like.

@Dandelion3 that's a good point about processing differently, one of my friends is very reluctant to talk about it, and I don't want to push her but I also want her to know I'm here for her if / when she does. Maybe I'm not the right friend to have that conversation with

@Pastnowfuture I'm sorry to hear you've had a poorly baby too and I hope everything is fine now. I know this isn't the right thread for that discussion, but NICU is a scary experience and I hope you got the support you needed.

@ivfbeenbusy you're so right about friendships changing, especially in the face of life changing events. However, is it unreasonable to expect support from my friends if i need it as well? Or does IVF treatment trump all issues because it's all consuming? - I don't mean that as a goody question or to be insensitive, I'm not sure how to word it better. How much do your friends share about their lives?

@dandelion3 Asking them what they would find helpful seems like a really obvious point now you've said it. Thank you for sharing it's really helpful.

@ivfbeenbusy Thank you for sharing. The 3 friends don't know each other- 1 is local, 1 from the city I grew up and 1 is a relative. I'm lucky enough to have a network of friends so although we may share our 'lockdown' moans I have others to support me with any parenting worries.

It is so nice of you to be asking about this : )

So far I have struggled most with people I know announcing they are pregnant, and either being very casual about the conception or hiding details about how hard it actually was for them too. One very good friend tried to comfort me by saying 'I know any kind of waiting can be hard, I was surprised when it took us three months as well!'.

The other things my friends seem to be very unaware of is IVF success rates. They think that as long as the NHS grants us treatment, we will then conceive and have a baby. They have no idea how hard it can be and how many years it can take. They think the hardest part is needing IVF in the first place...

Oh and personally, because we have a male factor issue, I am also not too happy with how everyone (including doctors) places emphasis on me and my cycle and how accepted it is for men not to want to talk about their issues.

What has helped most, is finding people with similar challenges and learning about that and talking about it. Knowledge is power. It makes me feel less alone and less confused.

I know that's not actually helpful advice, just some insights from my journey (which is only just starting compared to other ladies on here). Very interesting thread to read through, thank you for creating!

Some quite nice tips on here too

www.verywellfamily.com/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-infertility-1960033

@Pastnowfuture I think it's so amazing how much you want to support your friends 😊
I'm sorry for what you sent through with your little one being on NICU, hope he made a full recovery and you got the support you needed.
I think everyone has offered great advice! I think just letting your friends know you are there for them and how you can best support them as people are different, some will appreciate you checking in regularly but others might find that stressful, or might for example if they've had bad news that day.
For me the main trigger is seeing and hearing about how quickly others got pregnant or seeing scans/baby photos and I completely agree with letting your friends take the lead with asking about your son xx

@13Anonymous Really appreciate your views. I'll be honest I don't have a clue about success rates. I did try to google it but it seems to be very individual depending on what the issue is (if anything has even been identified).

They are all such lovely people and it honestly hurts my heart that they have to go through this so I can't imagine the pain they feel. The very least I can do is be the best friend I can.

I have one more question...if they choose to share their worries about it not being successful I feel like my automatic response will be to comment on positives ie, you are healthy/young to keep them optimistic. However, I'm aware this might not be the right approach. I don't want to be the friend that they feel is unrealistically positive. Should I instead be responding simply by acknowledging it's natural to worry?

It is good that you @Pastnowfuture and @yellowgecko want to support your friends, very thoughtful.
@Pastnowfuture if you don't mind the question is it your friend with older children who asks after your little one? Just curious as it seems she's not in the same position as the others as she's already got children.

Like @Gardenlady543 I really don't want to know anything about other people's babies so I show just enough interest to not cause offence but it's very difficult and costs me a lot emotionally. This includes babies of people very close to me, it's not them it's me. Others having IVF will feel differently to me. Sorry if those particular friends can't support you right now @yellowgecko but hoping that others will.
Infertility treatment takes up a lot of headspace and energy but I can support people through bereavement or marital troubles or serious illness but not pregnancy/baby related stuff at present.

@AnonymousXXIX wow 3 months! Bitter laugh. Some people have no idea.
@Roo45 I had a friend moaning about being accidentally pregnant with her third child say "it wasn't even my fertile time". Gah!

IVF success rates overall are lower than most people think (my mum thought it pretty much works every time and that you get lots of frozen embryos) so do be aware that it's by no means a sure thing, although not impossible or people wouldn't put themselves through it.

Your friends are individuals and you can check with them but on your last point, no, I wouldn't appreciate platitudes. If they are young and healthy and it hasn't worked they don't need to hear that they are young and healthy, they just need to hear that it is crap and unfair. Same after a miscarriage, being young/healthy means nothing in that moment when you are upset.
That's kind of a general rule I go by though, when someone is sad just acknowledging their sadness or the horrible situation can be all they need in that moment.

I'd just let them know you're there for them and that you'll take their lead in how much they want to talk about it or not.

@longerthanMrTicklesarms Thanks for your comments. That's what I was thinking in terms of the positive/optimistic comments being kind of useless so it's useful to have it confirmed.

The friend who has children isn't the same one who asks about my son. Her children are teens now as she had them both before she was 20 so her fertility has changed. It would be first baby for her husband.

Thanks for answering that bit Past I was just wondering as I do send messages like 'hope baby is doing well' but then am opening myself up to detailed replies about the cutest thing they did earlier.

One friend who doesn't have children has sent me random updates about her baby nephew since I told her about IVF, I think maybe she's trying to say being an auntie is good too but it's really unhelpful.

It depends on the kind of person they are. I am a relatively private person (I don't like people knowing I've got a cold) and so I would want to be left alone and no questions asked. Infertility is very personal I feel. It's the same as asking someone a really personal question. Like so did you know your kid is autistic? Or how much is your mortgage? Or your breath smells. That's what it feels like to me.

I also can be very genuinely happy for people who are pregnant, I feel like it was their time and mine is not here yet.

Its lovely you want to be supportive, but i just thought I'd shed a different light on it.

@Shinebright21 Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it's a very individual thing and I'm hoping to work out what approach each friend prefers as I guess they will all be different.

What a lovely, kind friend you are. I so far don’t confide in people, except my parents and boss, about IVF, but if I did tell people then I think a “thinking of you” card or flowers if the cycle didn’t work out would be appreciated. I think too much positivity when it doesn’t work isn’t always helpful, maybe just saying “I’m so sorry this has happened”, “I’m here if you want to talk about it” “how are you feeling?” treating it a bit like a bereavement because in many ways it is.

Whatever happens you are such a nice friend I’m sure their lives are the better for having you in it.

@kikisparks Thanks for taking the time to comment. I feel like thinking about it in terms of a bereavement could be really helpful approach. Good luck with your journey.

You sound like a great friend. For me the most annoying thing was any advice, I.e. have you tried this or that? A friend of a friend got pregnant naturally after IVF, this happens, why not adopt? Etc etc. most helpful was just asking how I was feeling, what's the next step, and listening.