Fertility referral before 'actively' trying?

[GreenDragon2]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been 'not preventing' pregnancy for 2 years now. While still not actively trying, we have agreed to ask about a fertility referral in 6 months (presuming we are still in the same situation).

My partner has said he would be happy if we were to get pregnant at the moment, but also he is not that bothered if we dont. The fertility referral would be the first 'actively trying' step we take. I admit I am far more broody than him and the fertility referral in 6 months is a compromise (he would be happy to wait another year or so). I'm very anxious that we have fertility problems as I have PCOS so want to start investigations/treatments sooner rather than later (we are mid 20s).

I just wondered if anyone else has done things this way?

From personal experience, I would say yes speak to your gp now. It could save a lot of heart ache. I also didn’t try to get pregnant but also did nothing to prevent it for over 5 years. We would have been happy if it happened, but didn’t want to put ourselves under stress, so told no one either. Sometimes, you just know something isn’t right, and he has kids so I knew it was me. I actually didn’t seek help because I didn’t want to feel like a failure. I am now actively trying but have just been diagnosed with a “very fibroidy uterus” I’m unsure what that means for me at the moment until my follow up. But I wish I had seeped help a lot earlier in this journey. We have been trying properly since October and nothing yet. Maybe never. But I still live in hope! Good luck xx

@GreenDragon2 I agree you should speak to your GP, I think that they accept referrals from people who have been having regular unprotected sex for 2 years.

In relation to your partner I think that’s normal, I’m having IVF at the moment and my partner has been very supportive throughout the treatment. But he doesn’t have very strong opinions, he has basically said he’s happy with what I want. If I want children then he’s happy to have children and if I suddenly decided I didn’t want children, then he’d also be fine. I think this takes quite a lot of pressure off, I know some men really want children but others don’t seem to have thought about it in the same way that women often do, E.g I’ve always envisaged my life so children and I don’t think he’s ever given it that much thought!

I desperately want to start the referal now but when I mention it he says there's no rush. 6 months was our compromise and I feel he gets frustrated when I mention it as he says that we came to an agreement. Which I suppose is fair enough..

Glad to hear other guys are like that too @Gardenlady543 , it can feel quite lonely when I feel like I'm struggling with fertility issues and the emotions that come with it but we aren't even trying properly yet

Hey @GreenDragon2 we were the same really although five years of not preventing and maybe a year and a half of that of using opks etc. Are you roughly aware when you might ovulate and having regular sex?

I agree with going to GP as soon as possible. Waiting 6 months might seem fine but once you are in there is a whooole other lot of waiting to do especially if you are going NHS.
To put into context I went to my GP in October 2019. Had to get blood tests, my partner get an SA done before we got our fertility referral. Our first appointment with the fertility clinic was Jan 2020 (this was quite quick, some areas have different wait times) then from there they may do further tests on you. I had a HyCoSy in Feb 2020, then had to go back in March as my partner had informed them he was a social smoker at our jan appointment so they wanted three months no smoking before they would put us on the waiting list. March appointment was cancelled due to Covid, got another appointment end of April where we were officially put on the waiting list. End of Nov 2020 I got my 'top of the list' appointment through.
I'll start injections next month, have to wait for day 21 of my period and then it all starts for me.

Bear in mind that included Covid restrictions and there may be more/less wait time than that now. The sooner you get to your GP for this the sooner you are in 'the system'
I have found it's just a lot of waiting

My partner was similar to you. Happy if it happened. He's a lot more involved now we are down IVF route

Most cycles are between 30-60 days, but occasionally up to three months, so I'm guessing that's where the problem is.

We did get halfway to having a referral last summer. I had scans, blood tests, STI test but then my partner wanted to wait a bit longer. Even just those initial pre-referal tests took 2-3 months (and they accidently contaminated his SA so we never got the results of that..) so I know it could take ages especially with covid. We're getting married in the autumn so his thinking was we initate the referal before the wedding, then treatments will be after the wedding

I'm Confused? And sorry if this sounds blunt but you'd rather take up NHS resources getting a fertility referral and tests First rather than actually put some effort into "actively trying"??? Surely if you've never actively tried you don't actually know whether you can pregnant easily on your own or not?

"Not preventing" is not the same as "actively trying" unless you normally have sex almost daily throughout the month?

Your in your mid-twenties so time is on your side, although I know that is not much consolation when you really want to conceive.

It so important when you get into fertility treatment that you and your partner are on the same page so if you've agreed to wait 6 months to go to the gp I'd say spend that time actively trying.

Get the opk sticks and find out when you are ovulating and see if any lifestyle changes can help regulate your cycle. I got mine down from 50 to 30 with diet, exercise, cutting out alcohol, and supplements - essentially really taking care of myself. It might be enough to work and if it doesn't you will be in a stronger position when you do get your referral.

It's also worth remembering that there is no magic bullet that the clinics can provide and if you can get this to work by really giving it a good go that is so much better than the absolute faff that is clomid, IUI and IVF.

@ivfbeenbusy Well we have sex about 2-3 times a week most of the time, and I have no idea when I ovulate as my cycles are 30-90 days long. I have tried ovation tests but they always seem to show positive, which I think PCOS can do. So I already feel like there is something wrong that probably needs fixing and if my body was 'normal' then I would be pregnant already?

But I admit maybe we should actively try before the referal. We could be doing more right now in terms of supplements and maybe diet/exercise. I'm not sure what else can done, with not knowing when ovulation occurs