MFI- lack of DH appreciation?

[Roo45]

Hope anyone can help and that what I'm saying makes sense. We are dealing with MFI and I know it's not DH fault but I feel like he has no appreciation for what I am going through. My in laws think the fertility issues are my fault because he doesn't want them to know which is fair enough. We have been supporting them a lot during the pandemic and most of this has fallen on me and I'm working less at the moment. He doesn't seem to have any appreciation of everything I'm doing to support them so they limit their covid risks, despite this they still make comments and ask me really personal questions about my reproductive health and IVF.
DH won't exercise and won't touch any veg.
My periods have got messed up since our first cycle failed and I'm worried now as I've always been regular. I feel like I've messed up my body and put myself through so much and no one appreciates it.
How can I convey this to DH? Can men ever fully understand?
Thank you xx

Hi Roo, it sounds like you're having a tough time.

I wondered about the "can men ever understand" question too. I don't want to group all men into one box, but I've certainly found with my OH that he's a lot more casual about it than me. We have male factor as well as a fibroid that I need an op for. My OH drinks quite a lot of beer for a man who's been told by his doctor that he has MFI. He's not massively over doing it or anything, but just doesn't help with MFI. I on the other hand have mostly stopped drinking. I've been trying to focus on what he does do rather than what he doesn't. I don't want to end up telling him what to do all the time or making him feel like he's being monitored. It's hard enough being stuck in lockdown. He needs to make any changes for himself and seems to respond better to me setting an example than to me telling him what to do.

Have you tried talking to your OH about these things? I think it can be quite lonely at the moment in lockdown. I'd love to meet a close friend in a pub and have a massive rant about it. I'm imagining how much of a relief that would be even writing about it! I have talked on the phone about it though with a friend though and that made me feel a lot better.

Maybe some of that is helpful. If not, I know where you're coming from. We put ourselves through a lot TTC and it can be quite lonely.

We have MF here and he is loads more casual about IVF than me. That said, he wants this as much as I do and he has been pretty good with lifestyle factors. He exercises, eats well, has never smoked, doesn't drink much and takes one of those all purpose vitamins to help with male fertility. With the specific MF he has it hasn't made a whole heap of difference, but I think it varies depending on exactly what the issue is. We've never spoken to either of our parents about what the issues are (there is some mild PCOS on my side too) and they have never pushed or implied anything. I'd probably bite their heads off if they did!

You need to speak to your partner and tell him how you feel. I really think communicating openly and honestly and working together is key for couples doing IVF. Yes, my partner will never really know what this is like for me but we can talk about it and there is a sense we are working together.

Also allow your self a break from his parents if they are being a bit of pain - you are going through something big right now!

Hi @Roo45 I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time and to be honest your DH is coming across as very self centered and selfish here.

I think it’s a similar cop out to what you see on mumsnet here when people say their husbands ‘aren’t good at cleaning’ etc to say the men won’t understand or can’t take it seriously. We have severe male factor and my DH had commuters himself 100% to the process and me. He takes every vitamin I tell him to religiously, has stopped having baths that he loves and has given up caffeine and alcohol (except for special occasions we discuss together). If I turned round tomorrow and told him I’ve read it’s good if you eat nettles for male factor I know he would find a way to eat it. He also is very attentive to me. He runs me baths, pays for me to get massages, tells me how much he appreciates me and how well I am doing whenever I get down.

I would sit down and discuss how you are feeling with your DH or maybe see if he would do it with a counsellor. So to tease through why he thinks it’s ok for him to not tell his parents the truth about how it’s a male problem but he is fine with your parents believing it’s a female problem and hassling you about this -why is that ok?

If he doesn’t want to tell his parents the truth he could at least say you ‘both have issues’ and he doesn’t appreciate them being invasive with you and to stop immediately.

I would also point out all you do for his parents and that you are struggling and what more can he do to help you and does he understand the physical toll ivf is taking on your body.

Personally I don’t think myself and my DH woikd have gotten this far (this is year 4 of ivf and infertility) if he was acting like all your husbands are. I would see it as so disrespectful and uncaring to have no issue with me having to potentially go through multiple rounds of ivf because he was too lazy to eat some vegetables to help.

Hi @Roo45, we cycled together in Dec, hope you’re well? I’m sorry you’re going through all this crap at home on top of everything else.

Have you considered IVF counselling as a couple? You should be offered it, albeit maybe at an extra cost if you’re private, but if after you’ve tried talking to DH you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, that might be a mutual forum to be open about how you’re feeling?

I agree with what others have said. I understand if he doesn’t want to tell his parents but perhaps he can ask them to not mention it as it’s upsetting to both of you? That way, they shut up and he’s not divulging any info he doesn’t want. It’s defo important to work as a team during this as it’s such a horrible process.

Does the cost of IVF worry him, and if so, is it enough to make him try eating better etc? He’s probably feeling a level of guilt if it is MFI and doesn’t feel like the manly thing to do is talk to his wife about it, but I bet that’s why he’s burying his head in the sand.

Just seen @FitzsimmonsMarvel post, which wasn’t there when I last checked, and basically covers what I said!

Hi My partner was a bit like this I tried everything going he would do nothing even when they pointed out how low his stuff was. Then the hospital recommended proxceed to us he complain all the time about how hard it was taking it. He also complained about the price of it. I went mad one day and said look at what I go through compare to you and you twisting taking a power. Any how my parner sprem was really low think his count was 4 million and 3 % morphology. Fast farward me even buying his powers to shut him up we come to our first Ivf when he had given his sample . They were over the moon at his improvement his count was 17millon and morphology was 10 or somyhing around that. He now takes his proxcreed with no fuss and apologise. Xx

Hello @Roo45 I’m not in this position, so only commenting as an ‘outsider’, what struck me above all is that your DH would rather his parents think it’s down to you and not him...that implies that he sees it as embarrassing or a failure, so why would he want you to be seen like that and not him? Maybe he thinks it’s more ‘acceptable’ for women to have fertility issues than men...but it’s not ok if you’re struggling with this.

I would just reassure him that there is no blame or shame, we all have the bodies we’re born with. Tell him that having all this on your shoulders is too much when his family keep asking questions. Far better that you agree to at least say there are issues on both sides, if he will not be fully honest.

Hey everyone, thanks so much to each and every one of you with your advice and perspectives, it's given me a lot of food for thought. DH has agreed to try and adopt of a more healthy lifestyle, he has been on supplements I often have to remind him to take them, and speak to my in laws about what they have said. It is definitely a start!
Thank you xxx