How to deal with insensitive friend?!! What would you do?

[Thenitbeginsagain]

I’m really struggling with a good friend of mine. I’ve gone through multiple rounds of ivf ttc which she knows about. She is pregnant now and I actually can’t speak to her without the pregnancy being brought up. Ie me: how are you ? I’m fine and so is bump look here is a photo of the bump. Me: any plans for your birthday? Her: I’m pregnant so I’m just having a dinner. Me; are you excited about Christmas her: yes I’ll be X weeks pregnant.

I mean I’m very happy for her but things like scan pictures bump photos and being unable to have a conversation without the pregnancy mentioned every second sentence is really damaging my mental health. She sends it and it’s 5 seconds of a happy thing for her but for me I get upset, I wasn’t expecting it, I have an afternoon of trying to build myself back up again and tell myself I’m ok and trying not to cry. Then I think I’m not going to contact her for a while but then I want to as she’s my friend so I contact her and it all starts over.

I don’t know what to do - I’ve never had this with my other friends or siblings. They usually told me they were pregnant then unless something major pregnancy related came up we would talk as normal. I’ve never been sent a bump or scan photo either before.

My DH says I should cut her off as she’s shown herself to be selfish and I have to go through a lot next year with more treatment. The problem as well is we usually all chat through a WhatsApp group so I don’t want to be ignoring my other friends too but literally any time there is a message in the group (today’s was about what weather would be like over christmas) it ends up with photos being sent of herself. I don’t know what to do but I am struggling. I feel like my other friends are going to also think less of me as I’m already not responding about how amazing her bump is etc.

Any advice appreciated.

I should add she is only 4 months pregnant so there is no end in sight!!!

@Thenitbeginsagain
So sorry to hear this. In my opinion I think you need to speak to her. She knows about your journey so far.
Perhaps a private message just saying that you are very happy for her however due to your journey struggling to conceive you find the updates hard to receive. Explain to her that you want to know how things are at certain milestones perhaps, but other than that could she be very mindful when updating you. Finish again with a positive about her pregnancy.

How do you feel about that?

If not, could a friend within your group chat message her privately and explain the above?

It needs said as otherwise your friendship will be affected much more.

X

@Thenitbeginsagain I'm only at the start of the IVF journey (due to start Jan/Feb), but your friend sounds unbelievably insensitive.
Is she the sort of friend you could tell honestly that you're happy for her, but it's difficult for you to see so many photos of her bump and scan?

She is probably really excited about her pregnancy and has tunnel vision making her oblivious to how you are feeling.

I would sound a note of caution though, she is only going to become more involved in her pregnancy (completely understandably) and her baby when they arrive.

So while asking her to be sensitive and talking to her about how you are feeling is definitely a good option, given that she is such a close friend, I wonder if you also need to think about how you want to relate to her in light of your experiences as she continues down her path.

Whatever happens, motherhood changes how you relate to your friends and that is complicated further by IVF. I'm not saying this friendship is over at all but certainly the terms of it are going to change dramatically over the next few months.

So maybe have a chat with her, tell her you are 100% supportive but recognise that she is where she is and you are where you are. It's not a race, we are all on our own courses and protect your heart.

Do you have a trusted mutual friend who can have a word with her?

Your friend sounds incredibly insensitive - give her a wide birth and focus on other friends who aren't pregnant right now or at least show compassion for what you're going through right now.

I am in a similar position - my best friend is 4 months pregnant. She talks about it constantly on our WhatsApp groups. Worse still she got pregnant on the first try. I have had to stop talking to her, I did send her an Xmas card though and we are civil but she gets I can't go there right now.

Today I logged onto FB for first time in ages and there's a woman who's quite a bit younger than me just given birth to beautiful baby girl. And a guy at work had his beautiful new born on the Zoom call. I am happy for them but it's ruined my day at the same time. I've been in a horrible mood ever since I encountered these things so I totally get where you are coming from. It just feels so unfair! X

Completely understand!! It's frustrating as well as you don't want to come across as a horrible person then you get annoyed at that too.
I'm in a similar boat been on clomid 3months now and someone I work with Ivf worked first time but she also goes on and on and on. Worse thing is we both went through similar the first time around also so she knows how it feels. 😢 Sending love x

@AMMB That’s really disappointing about your colleague. When I finally fell pregnant after years of trying, all sorts of treatment and eventually IVF I didn’t tell anyone for months, was incredibly sensitive to anyone who I knew or suspected might be going through a difficult time, and barely spoke of it. Now I only send photos of DC to people who ask, none on social media etc. I like to think those of us who go through all this are kinder as a result. Most are so I’m sorry your colleague is not, it must be really tough.

Thank you @ireallyamthewalrus. Yes it is been trying to keep a brave face but its tough. Xx

Thanks all for your messages. Unfortunately we can all understand what it’s like.

I think I’ve been so lucky so far. My two sisters and two other best friends both had 2 children each in the time we’ve been trying and doing ivf and our relationships haven’t suffered at all. I’m actually godmother to 3 of the babies! They just told me they were pregnant and never bombarded me and I never get unsolicited baby pics. I’ve also never been sent scan or bump pics before.

The thoughts of talking to her about it fill me with dread! I just think if she’s being so insensitive how will she understand. I’m afraid she will slag me off as being bigger. It’s like she’s had a complete empathy bypass and it’s all about her since she got pregnant. When my 1st ivf failed she sent me a lovely gift in the post. When I told her my 3rd failed she said she was pregnant and it was great she got pregnant naturally and sure I had a dog as a baby anyway

I don’t know if I have the energy but Christmas is a tough time so maybe I’ll be more able for it after Christmas.

@Thenitbeginsagain gosh I really feel for you, this would really upset me. I started trying naturally at the same time as my best friend about a year ago, I told her how hard I was finding it after 3 months of BFN, how I couldn’t cope with constant pregnancy announcements and she told me she felt exactly the same, we had a really good mutual rant about it, days later she found out she was pregnant. She told me with a screenshot on the day she knew I had to start trying again (fertile period from monitoring) which I found really insensitive, especially as she had mislead me in our conversations for several weeks. We kept chatting from time to time but it just got harder as the months of BFNs went on and I knew her pregnancy was progressing. I just became quieter with her when she started conversations and then just stopped replying. She told my partner that she understood why and was going to give me space. I have just had an unsuccessful fresh cycle of IVF and will be having FET when she is due, she doesn’t know we’re having IVF. I’m happy for her and hope we can rebuild the friendship in the future, but at the moment my mental health just can’t cope with being reminded that she has succeeded at something I may never achieve. I am sure there are people that would deal with this so much better than me and have the strength to cope with it, I get upset when I see parents with children when out and about and have had to come off all social media, I just can’t put myself through anything that might push me over the edge.

It sounds like you’ve already put up with more than I could have with your friend. I agree with others that something needs to be said. If she carries on then personally I would probably have to cut her out, but obviously that needs to be your decision

@Thenitbeginsagain Leaving it until after Christmas sounds like a good plan. Could you take her out of your feed on Facebook so you don’t see her posts? If you feel you can sacrifice the friendship you may just need to distance yourself from her.

This is where you need someone else on the group chat to pull her up on her insensitivity. We've all been there where we've had to put up with an occasional insensitive comment but your 'friend' is next level.

Can you ask someone to speak to her? I've been ttc for dc2 for 3 years (inc ivf) and I've just got more blunt with people. "No sorry, I won't join the zoom next week as it will understandably be about pregnancy and newborns and I just can't cope with that at the moment. Nothing personal, have a lovely time etc etc."

It being on a group chat makes it harder as she's entitled to over share her news with a group of friends. So selfish though!

@seven201 i find though that excluding yourself from group chats just makes you more isolated.
I find that any group chat with my friends-as they are all mothers-contains some amount for baby chat but it's not all baby chat.
So it's really hard.

But in the OP s case i think if there's someone else in the WhatsApp group who could pull her up then it would help.

Infertility is isolating enough without losing the entire friendship group for one person who is self centred.