Is anyone else going to be avoiding social media on Christmas?

[TheBeesKnee]

This is my third Christmas since we started TTC without a baby. I was hoping to start assisted fertility treatments this year but 2020 had other plans.

I know it sounds awful, but I'm dreading the baby/engagement/whatever announcements that are bound to be plastered all over Facebook as in previous years, so I think I'm going to uninstall the apps.

I kind of feel pathetic for even giving it this much thought. And I wonder if my mood will be spoilt anyway as I'll be aware of what I'm trying to avoid, if that makes sense?

@TheBeesKnee it is hard and you have to do what's right for you without feeling guilty! I am in a similar position TTC for nearly 3 years, our first cycle of IVF (had enough to go private following NHS delays) just failed a few weeks ago. When our IVF initially got cancelled and when it failed I deleted social media apps for the same reason.
If you are on something like Instagram there are a lot of fertility pages and I did find following those quite helpful for me personally and so I did end up rejoining mainly for that reason.
This time of year is never easy so don't feel bad about it.
Take care xxx

@TheBeesKnee yup I feel exactly the same, also TTC for 3 years and one failed round of IVF behind me and always find Christmas hard. It's not just the baby announcements but also seeing people doing 'christmassy' things with their babies and toddlers. Although I love seeing my friends/family and their little ones it just emphasises that I'm not doing those things with my own baby and I wish more than anything that I was. It sucks, don't feel bad about feeling the way you do, it's totally understandable. Do whatever you need to do to make it easier on yourself and if deleting social media for a little while helps then do it, I might do the same!

You know that saying that adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street then then airplane drops on your head?

Well, despite my careful avoidance of social media, we opened a Christmas card from SIL with a sonogram picture inside, she's having another baby. I'm absolutely floored. Have spent the entire morning bursting into tears. I know I sound like a psychotic bitch, but this has ruined my Christmas, I just can't be happy for them now. I was making a real effort to enjoy our home and presents, then opened that fucking card, which we were told to NOT open until Christmas - I assumed she had put money or a gift card inside but nope.

I have to call my family and a few friends this afternoon to say merry Christmas etc but I can't seem to pull myself together.

Wow, that's so insensitive of her. I'm so sorry. I'm actually speechless that she could have thought that would be a good thing to do.

Ouch! That's tough! Do they know? I'm so sorry that you've had a bomb like that go off and spoil your day.

They don't know to be fair. They're the kind of people who get pregnant just by looking at each other

I don't think it was malicious, I think they're excited and thought this was a cute way to share the news but fucking hell. I don't know whether to have a drink or avoid alcohol today.

I think you should be happy for them. Having a baby is a big deal and they don’t know about your situation. No doubt if the shoe was on the other foot you’d want others to be happy for you too. She’s done nothing wrong.

@TheBeesKnee I'm sorry that you've had such a hard day. Like you say, they don't know your situation and won't have done it maliciously but its still hard to hear about others good news especially at such a poignant time of year. Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure once the shock has worn off you'll be able to be happy for them. I always try to remind myself that it will happen for me one day and I'll be the sharing good news for a change. I hope you've managed to enjoy your day regardless, take care of yourself.

Snufkins

Did you miss what board this is on? I have obviously been civil and expressed my congratulations to them, but that doesn't mean I can't talk about my real feelings. I've been dealing with infertility for years and Christmas is a very difficult time, especially this year, especially in an empty house with just me and DP.

nextweek

Yeah, that's the thing, I thought I could avoid all this stuff by avoiding social media but ended up being blindsighted.

Eight years in for us, every year feels worse than the last. Doesn’t help we’ve had a surprise nephew and niece arrive in the last eighteen months. In that respect Covid has been a blessing and we don’t have to see them. I know that sounds harsh but I find it all overwhelming sad especially for DH as it’s my fault.

rainbowtea23

Eight years in for us, every year feels worse than the last.

I'm so sorry. You're right, it does feel worse with each passing year.

I remember the first year I was partially relieved as I could drink over Christmas. I'm a far cry from that now.

Don't blame yourself; our infertility is DP's "fault" technically, but I don't see it that way, I see it as a challenge we both have to face together. I'm sure yours feels the same.

@TheBeesKnee gosh I’m sorry to hear about the card, that would really upset me too. I’ve been avoiding social media and people in general for a while (been pretty easy with the lockdowns), luckily most of my close friends aren’t planning on having children any time soon and one is also having IVF and nobody in my small family is planning on having kids.

I’ve learned that no matter how much someone wouldn’t have meant to cause hurt, it still hurts just as much. At the start of the year my close friend told me about her pregnancy with a screenshot after she’d started a conversation with me to say good luck trying as she knew I was on the first day of my fertile window. I am absolutely certain she would never ever mean to hurt me, but it kept me awake at night while I relived it over and over again for months.

I’m really sorry this has happened today, I hope you’ve managed to have some laughs and fun today.

I have avoided social media and actually felt a bit better for it, but it was a really conscious thing to not do a bit of mindless scrolling e.g. If waiting for the kettle to boil, I would have a look on Facebook etc. so I had to stop myself a few times.

@TheBeesKnee I'm sorry your careful avoidance didn't work out.
Regardless of whether your SIL knew it's pretty self-absorbed. Likewise your friend @Gardenlady543.

We've been trying a very long time and have had many babies born to siings, cousins, friends in that time.
I think it gets worse each year but also get more used to it.

@rainbowtea23 I've haf those feelings too but DH assures me it is a shared problem, doesn't matter who has the medical issues, there are so many unknowns.

Hugs to you all with my longer than Mr Tickles arms!

@TheBeesKnee @LongerthanMrTicklesarms

DH tries his best to make me feel like it’s our problem but deep down I know there is some resentment after what happened at Christmas several years ago with his mother. DH is an only so when we got married back eight years ago his mother asked us right away about children as she was desperate for grandchildren. As time passed she kept asking and asking it was relentless until one day I snapped and told her we were having problems etc. When she knew it was issues on my side she changed and become very cold towards me and begged me on Christmas Day back in 2016 to leave DH so he could have a chance to be a father. Needless to say we don’t have much contact but it’s stuck with me and I constantly beat myself up over it.

Your MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work!

I guess separate out the resentment, clearly MIL resents you.
She is the mother of an only child so either only wanted one, or life circumstances including finance/miscarriage/wrong man/no man/complications from childbirth got in the way.
So for whatever reason she hasn't had lots of kids herself, hedging all the bets on her one child reproducing is never a guarantee.

Maybe your DH resents the issue that Infertility has caused between you, rather than resenting you? I don't know, I know DH would be raging if his mum told him to leave me.
Could your DH be resentful of the embarrassment caused by his mother, it can't be easy having her extreme twattery confirmed so unequivocally.

If your DH does resent you personally then it is something he could explore via specialist fertility counselling. Sometimes we shy away from exploring 'ugly' emotions or your partner isn't the appropriate audience.
DH didn't do any DNA fragmentation tests until after our first IVF round and I did resent him regardless of results for not doing the tests in good time.
But I looked at that resentment and worked through it.
It's quite easy to beat yourself up for suffering from this medical condition in ways that you might not if it were a different condition.

Infertility sucks all year but is magnified by the Christmas cheer of others, be kind to yourself.

@TheBeesKnee similar thing has just happened to me, except it was a FaceTime call. Haven't stopped crying since. Life's so bloody unfair

hennersley

Christ, that's even worse! I'm sorry you were put in that position.

DP and I had a chat last night after a few drinks and actually he was affected by the card too. He feels bad. We vented a bit, pinky promised that 2021 would be the year of the baby. Here's hoping