Taking the plunge

[bigbluesea]

Had planned to cycle in January and while there is still time to get everything sorted, I find myself putting it off. I'm just finding it all so overwhelming. I'm doing this as a single woman with donor sperm. I've found a sperm donor who I like but don't love but am limited by race so have few options. I will be 42.5 next month. Time is running out fast (if it hasn't already). I think part of me just can't believe I'm actually doing this even though I've been planning this for months. Anyone else found it hard to take the final plunge?

I was the same as you a few months ago, it really is a case of taking the plunge! I'm 41 and haven't regretted it at all though, i only wish i'd done it sooner, but i was worried about people judging me. This year it got to the point that i didn't care anymore, being a mother was more important than that and i wanted to give myself a chance while i still could.

Being single, there's a lot to come to terms with, this isn't how anyone expects their life to turn out, but we all reach a different path to get here. You only need to read a few threads on here to see that even those with the 'perfect/ideal' set up with supportive partners, still suffer so much heartache and worry on this journey. It's not easy, but i hope you come to a decision you're happy with.

Thanks IslandStars. It just seems like an obscene amount of money to be spending on something that might not even work! Also I think I can only afford to do this once so that creates even more pressure to get the perfect donor when such a man probably doesn't even exist!

@bigbluesea - I feel for you! It’s a big thing to make sense of, even if it is much wanted. I had a zoom call with a clinic 2 weeks ago but haven’t managed to have the follow up question chat. The Dr was delayed for my appointment so I missed my slot and I haven’t rearranged. I feel a bit like ‘can I actually DO this’? ‘Me, on my own!’

@IslandStars - I have thought about the judgement. If I was to get pregnant, what would I say to people at work who know I am single. Clearly it’s none of their business but it has made me wonder.

Hope you are both feeling ok - a lot of excitement in our future!

How old are you, Cheeseplantxo? It is so scary to be doing this on your own. I started making enquiries in March, then obviously Covid hit, but I could have started treatment when everything opened again but I've been dragging my feet. It's all so stressful!

I am in a different situation but stumbled across this blog from a lady who went through IVF alone that might be helpful, as the blogger is very honest in her posts: singlemotherhoodbychoice.wordpress.com/

Thanks, Gardenlady543! Am reading it now...

@bigbluesea I am 41 - how about you?

Thanks @Gardenlady543, I’ll have a look

I’m just listening to the Happy mum Happy baby podcast with Liv Thorne about her experience

I'm 42, Cheeseplantxo. Started looking into IVF when I was 41. The stats for over 42 are quite alarming I have to say! Better get a move on really...

@bigbluesea I definitely understand your hesitation - it took me a year from getting everything sorted to actually taking the plunge (it would have been 6 months but Covid delayed things). I also stressed about finding the perfect donor and read through hundreds and hundreds of profiles. This blog post about a lesbian couple choosing their donor really helped me to relax about it: cupofjo.com/2017/11/choosing-a-sperm-donor/
I'm now 16 weeks pregnant and I rarely think about the donor, I'm just excited about the baby

Congratulations @ingkir what lovely happy news! Hope that everything is going well.

How did you choose a sperm donor in the end and did you buy up a lot of stock so you could guarantee a few chances?

Congratulations @ingkir! I would also love to know how you chose your donor. I have already some across that blog post in my exhaustive search to read about the experiences of how other people chose and it's definitely the most in-depth and informative. Was this your first IVF/IUI cycle?

Thanks @Cheeseplantxo @bigbluesea !

I looked at a lot of profiles before I chose but was limited a bit because I had to have a cmv negative donor. I rejected profiles if I didn't like the baby photo of the donor (although I had no preference for eye or hair colour) or didn't like the answers to the questionnaire they completed. This got it down to around 10 options and I definitely didn't have a 'you're the one' moment reading any of them which I found difficult initially. What helped me was to realise that I was choosing ingredients for a child and not a dad to parent with. The 10 options all seemed nice and friendly so in the end I chose the one that had some attributes I'd quite like my child to have (being musical and being able to draw, as random as that is!). I also tried to imagine what a child would think of the information and tried to choose someone I thought they would be happy to have as their donor when I share the details with them when they're older.

I did IVF because my clinic recommended it over IUI (I'm 38). I only bought 2 vials because sperm is expensive and I could only really afford 1 round of IVF. Very luckily for me, it worked first time. If it hadn't and I'd decided to save up and try again I probably would have had another look at donors to see if there was anyone new I liked!

That's amazing @ingkir! Very happy it worked first time for you. I think that's what I'm struggling with as well - that I don't feel 'you're the one' about any of them. And sperm is so so expensive! Did yours have an adult photo? It's so weird how we're expected to pick someone who might not have an adult pic.

@bigbluesea The sperm bank I used didn't have adults photos. I might be wrong but I think only the American banks do and they weren't on the list of banks my clinic would accept (each clinic is different though).