How to cope with a failed cycle

[Roo45]

Hi everyone. Sorry to ask something so personal that I know is so hard. I've just failed my first icsi cycle, I was naive going into it as we're under 35 and seen to be dealing with MFI only so I hoped we'd have a good number of embryos and hopefully some to freeze. Ended up with 2 poor quality ones none to freeze and a failed transfer.
I feel like a dark cloud has come over me since I tested negative a few days ago. And then I feel so bad, others go through multiple rounds and deal with so much more and really what I have gone through is nothing compared to that.
The logical part of my brain says that most don't get a successful first cycle, and hopefully we have more knowledge for a better chance next time but the other part of my brain thinks it will never happen. I have 2 close family members due any day now, both sets of parents really want grandkids and think I'm the reason that we don't have any as we haven't told them the specific issues. I feel so much pressure even though I shouldn't and it's not really anyone's business.
I was so stressed throughout the cycle and worried at every stage and I know I have to be mentally stronger to go through it all again.

Hi, I'm really your first cycle didn't work. It's normal to feel like you are. Gutting as it is, the first cycle gives your clinic information about how to approach your next cycle. Also, you can have completely different outcomes depending on cycle. In my first I had only four fertilised eggs and only one of those made it to blastocyst. It wasn't usable - we're doing ivf for genetic reasons and it didn't pass the tests. In my second round, ten eggs fertilised and five have made it to blastocyst - we're waiting to find out the test results.

Like you, I was down about that first round - I'm not doing ivf for fertility reasons so I panicked when the cycle seemed so poor in case it suggested I had a fertility issue on top of the genetic issue. I then used the time in between cycles to improve my diet, add in some vitamins and discuss with the consultant some tweaks to my medication regime for the second cycle - in our case we added in human growth hormone injections.

Try to accept the feelings - ivf is bloody hard and you're currently at one of the worst times of it. Try to trust in yourself that you'll move on and that you will feel better than you do today.

@msgloria wishing you the best of luck! thank you for your comments xx

@Roo45, you didn't fail your cycle, the cycle failed for you. It's horrible and I'm so sorry - but don't blame yourself. I work in healthcare and I often have patients come in who say that they've failed on a treatment - but the reality is that it's the treatment that hasn't been successful, not that the patient has done something wrong or fallen short in some way. Give yourself time to heal and maybe let your husband know that the family pressures are upsetting you - there may be some way he can support you and maybe redirect them away from their assumptions. Also, maybe ask your clinic what alterations they're thinking of for future cycles and whether there are any things you could start doing now to prepare.

Sending you virtual hugs.

thank you @Scirocco I have been in contact with the clinic and awaiting follow up so hopefully they have ideas on how best to improve our chances in future cycles xx

@Roo45 I’m so sorry to hear your words, I have just gone through a fresh cycle and had convinced myself it worked, I had these strange pelvic pains radiating into my lower back on 7dp5dt and then spotting on 8dp5dt, the clinic convinced me it was too early for a period and a really good sign. I had the video of the embryo developing that I kept playing on loop, planned out my pregnancy and August birth and dreamed of having a baby to show off next Xmas. This morning AF came on fully and I was sobbing my eyes out to the nurse, wow how I came crashing down.

I’ve been crying all day, I’m medical and saw that I have a pregnant lady booked into see me tomorrow and even the thought of it had me in floods of tears, I’ve asked my company to change the appointment to someone else as I just can’t see myself holding it together. This was my first cycle too and I think it’s hard, you go into it with all this optimism. I’m lucky that I have frozen blasts to use so I’m going to try a FET in the new year I hope, but I’ve had issues with the progesterone so it won’t be straightforward.

It sounds like you were very unlucky with the numbers you got and I’m sure the specialist will have some tricks up their sleeve to tweak things so you get a better result next time.

I just feel that we need to let ourselves feel sad, I’m doing that today, having a good cry, listening to sad songs, mourning a bit. So I can get myself together for the next go. I find the IVF cycle support groups on here are so helpful, I got so many kind words from people, even though they were happy as they had been successful they still were empathetic and kind with their words to me. I’ve just scooted over to the Jan/Feb IVF thread. What is your plan next, do you have any dates in mind for your next cycle? If you end up in a similar situation with viable embryos that aren’t freezable you could discuss a double transplant, I know most clinics like to avoid that but they may be more receptive after you’ve tried a cycle already.

I'm so sorry @Gardenlady543 and I think you are absolutely right. My consultant said they will speak to the embryologists and book me a follow up, I'm keen to go again as soon as they say I can, but I am worried going through all of it and just ending up with the same poor results :(
Good luck with January, I know exactly how you feel and I was having the same images in my head! Take care xxx

@Roo45 I think that’s the benefit of the first cycle, there is no precedent set, anything could happen. That can be a good thing and a bad thing though. There are things I’m glad I know now, like how I reacted to medications and the times when symptoms were worse for time off work and that the EC was absolutely fine! Plus the specialist would have learned, so I reckon you’ll be in a much better position the second time around, it’s just gutting that you’re in that position and having to do it so soon, but you did it once and I’m sure you can do it again!

@Gardenlady543 I do hope so. Thanks and good luck next month xx