Single and going through IVF

[hailslm]

Little back story, I'm 31, and in the last 10 years, had 3 miscarriages. The last two of which were last year and 6 months apart. have no current children.

I am now single and the want for a child is still as strong as ever. To complicate things further, in September this year I developed a serious pelvic infection which spread to both my fallopian tubes, my ovaries and my bowel. The end surgery was major, having had both my tubes removed, and my bowel repositioned back into place.

So now I know the only way I can get pregnant is via IVF, there is no other option for me. I am beginning into looking at having my eggs frozen, and also at having a doner sperm IVF treatment. Hospital and funding permitted.

I'm just wondering if there's any women in the same boat as this? I'm still really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can never naturally conceive now, that it will all be completely medical... does anyone else have those feelings ?

It would be nice to hear some,...
Thanks for reading.

also meant to mention after my 3rd miscarriage last year i went through a year of fertility tests at Coventry which found out I have a blood clotting disorder called 'hemophilia' (spelling could be terrible there) which means my blood clots easier than nornal so it COULD have been the cause of my miscarriages. I was set up to get treatment from them but because i was not in a relationship and actively trying to get pregnant, i was no longer applicable for their testing. I was told to contact them again once I had fallen pregnant. Then i fell ill with the pelvic infection.

Heya,

I'm not quite in the same boat, in the sense that everything works fine in my body, but I did choose to be a single parent and no regret !

It never mattered to me how I had children, just that I did have them. Doesn't matter if you have IVF or sex with a unicorn, the challenges of parenthood are the same. When you're holding your baby you don't care how it was made.

As for doing it alone, it can be hard but at least you get all the advantages - no ex to deal with, your choice how you raise your child, your choice of names, etc. People who split up after the birth (which is quite common) really get the bad end of the stick. Doing it alone at least you know what to expect and you keep your freedom - and it doesn't mean you can't meet someone nice someday, either. But it does take the pressure off the time limit.

I'm a bit surprised re your clotting disorder, are you sure you got it right ? My understanding was that haemophilia was the inability to clot, not the other way around. It was the disease of tsarevich Alexei - quite a tragic story !

Sorry to read about your operation . I don't know if you are aware of this but since you can't get pregnant "naturally" with both tubes removed, in some CCG's you will be eligible for IVF even as a single woman (with donor sperm) so it's worth checking.

On the positive side, at such a young age (in fertility terms!) you should still have good ovarian reserve which might mean you conceive easily with IVF (with medication help to manage the clotting problem). If necessary you could be eligible for the much cheaper ABC IVF and/or there is also the Access Fertility 100% refund or multicycle packages for under 35's.

If you do decide to go down the Donor Sperm route, rather than egg freezing; I've found joining the Donor Conception Network charity a wonderful help with this mentally - www.dcnetwork.org/ . They have lots of helpful information and can put you in touch with other "single mothers by choice" in your area or other "thinkers and tryers" in the process of becoming Solo Mums. I'd also suggest reading "Going it alone: A guide for Solo Mums in the UK" By Emily Engel - I've found it well researched and up to date and can help alleviate a lot of the nerves/worries about becoming a Solo Mum.

Hope this helps, Good luck!

I’m doing IVF with donor. Not how I expected my life to turn out, but I spent years in a relationship during my most fertile years, only for it to turn bad and fail when I was in my early 30s, a good career, about to buy our first home etc. What I have learned is that textbook life plans do not actually work out for many in reality. I would rather be a single parent than one in a bad relationship. There are so many sole parents these days, either unintentional or by choice, naturally or through IVF or adoption.

I’m not expecting it to be easy, but parenting doesn’t look easy for the traditional 2 parent households either! I think when the time comes, we will all learn to adapt and cope.

I hope your medical issues can be resolved you can move forward with donor route should you wish. It’s a big decision, but now I’ve started it, my only regret is that I didn’t do this sooner when age was more on my side.

Hello. Not in the exact same position but I also cannot conceive naturally. My only way is IVF, I’m 2 rounds in and will be doing a 3rd in the new year, I’m 27 and have been on this fertility journey since I was 25. I have been told time is not on my side but time is what I need, so no matter what your age is, it’s still equally as awful to be in this situation. It really is so painful to know you can’t just get pregnant. I’m in a relationship (been together years) and he is very supportive with everything.

So I’m not in the exact same position but I can relate with the burden of never being able to conceive naturally. If I was you I would 100% freeze your eggs. This gives you the option to try and get some good quality eggs, then Atleast you can relax and properly think about if you’d like to have a donor, which by the way there is nothing wrong with, that’s why they’re there! Feel free to message me if you want to chat more about not having the option to do it naturally xx

ladies thank you so so much for your replies. I'm going to look into everything that you all have suggested and decide what really is right for me.
It was so comforting to read your responses. thank you so much again xxx

@MalyshMalysh
Thank you for your message. I completely agree that things can definitely go south when two parents are involved. My parents being the perfect example!
The type of blood disorder I have there are types of, the haemophilia I have is a "Lack of Protein C" which I was told was causing the clotting easier.

That's the problem I have also, part of me feels like why should I have to wait to meet a man and fall madly in love with him, before I can have a child... Times are changing right?

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.

@IamnotwhouthinkIam

Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me!
I have looked into my local CCG to which I need a Doctors referral for, which would be absolutely fine except doctors appointments here are so hard to come by through the NHS, like gold dust it seems, but I am continuing to call them!

ABC IVF I'm sorry Ive never heard of these? or Access Fertility 100% ?Are they private clinics do you mean?

thank you so much for that website I am definitely going to be looking into that.

i appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

@IslandStars

Genuinely thought I could have been reading my own post there!
Thank you for responding.
Really is it all you regret that you didn't do this sooner?
Thats really made me smile.
Thank you.

@Dot457

I really appreciated reading your message. The feeling of not being able to conceive naturally sometimes makes me feel like less of a wqman. it's horrible sometimes it really is. and all this happened just three months sago. im happy fr you that you are on your journey. are you far enough along to know a date of when you could be pregnant?

i have my fingers crossed for you that this cycle works x

@hailslm Yes, ABC IVF are a private fertility clinic, they do IVF at half the price of regular private clinics BUT they have very strict criteria (you have to be under 37, BMI between 19 -30, Antral Follicle Count and AMH above 12 and FSH below 12) - because of your age you may meet this criteria.

Access Fertility are a private company that do finance packages for various clinics around the country - so you can pay a bit extra in order to get an 100% refund if your IVF doesn't work or you can "bulk buy" 2 or 3 IVF cycles through them (which then works out to be a cheaper price per cycle, but no refund if your first cycle is a success).

When I got pregnant I joined the local 'pregnant mum' circuit and met loads of excellent women. Two of them stood out to me, because they'd chosen to have IVF and parent alone. I remember being up once at 3am thinking "how do they cope without having someone else there?".

Then when one of the babies was about six months old I bumped into her and her mum in the pub. All I could think was how happy they were. We discussed sleep (which is basically the only conversation one has with a newborn) and she remarked on how easy it was, since she only had her rules to live by and her and her daughter were this little unit. Just the two of them, and all her energy was focused on this little soul. It was breathtakingly lovely.

Good luck to you.

@hailslm on a more practical note, I am joining a free seminar from ABC IVF tonight at 6pm! You can register on their website.

@hailslm Oh I should point out, I don't have experience of ABC or Access Fertility personally (I'm too old for their criteria), but they are worth checking out if you need to go private - I wish I'd known about them years ago! I would keep pushing for a doctors appointment though - at 31 you should have the time to wait on NHS waiting lists, and typical private IVF prices in the UK are so high.

thank you so much for your messages ladies. I'm definitely going to look into the ABC fertility side of things, thank you!