How can a potential Grandma help?

[LaMarschallin]

My daughter has just told me that she and her husband are having problems conceiving.
I've never been a pushy grandmother-to-be; I know it's always been what she wants but she's also pursued a high-flying career which I'm very proud of.
Her mil is desperate for her to have a baby and, in the past, my daughter and I have smiled at mil's quotes of "Ooh! A lovely nursery!" in their new house. DD said at the time "Nooo... it's a study" because she didn't want a baby immediately.
So I'm worried about mil being tactless, potentially. That may be very unfair of me.

I don't know what's best to say now.
Basically, I want her to have a baby if that's what she wants but I don't care one way or the other about having grandchildren (obviously, I'll love them if they happen): I just want my child to be happy.

How can I do/say the right thing?
How can be I be most helpful?

It's so nice that you are giving this some thought.

It's a tough one to negotiate for family I think, I know that at times there would have been no right thing mine could have said to me and not saying anything hurt as well... not reasonable at all but infertility is a painful personal journey - it changes you - and your daughter and her husband will just have to get through it.

I'd suggest letting her bring it up, never say any of the old cliches like 'just relax' or 'such and such did this and then they were pregnant'. She might have a long hard road ahead. Just quietly support. If you know she has an appointment maybe wish her luck so she knows your thinking about her, but also (and this might just be me) I prefer people not to ask how its going because obviously I'd tell you if I was pregnant and some of it is super personal and I'd rather not share all the details.

You are a wonderful mum already just for thinking about this things.

I would just tell your daughter that you are always there for her if she needs/ wants to speak to someone. Try to comfort/encourage her but don't give any false hopes in case it's a difficult journey ahead of her. Try to see her before/after the consultations or scans to give extra support.

In regards Mil she just needs to be told to back off if it is upsetting your daughter.

I wish you best of luck 🤞

I found my mother (who is the beat in the world) kept trying to fix the problem for me. So if we had a failed round saying ‘what about adoption’ or ‘maybe you should get a surrogate’. I had to tell her saying those things was hurtful to me even though I know she was just trying to find a way to make it right. Things are much better now she just says ‘I hope you’re ok’ ‘can I can up and help you with anything around the house post treatment’ ‘let me know and I can mind the dog when you’re having treatment’ ‘I’m very sorry it didn’t go well’ and it really helps.

So I guess my advice is be there, don’t try fix the problem, don’t offer ‘helpful’ suggestions unless they’re to come clean round her house and make her a nice dinner post any fertility treatment or to mind any pets etc. Just be there for her listen and say you’re sorry and you’re thinking of her and hope it all works out

It's a very individual situation, some people want to tell close family to get it off their chest, some people want to keep it to themselves, so it's such a hard one. Offer your support and tell her that you are here for a chat if she wants to talk about it with you, if she doesn't then don't pressure her or keep asking about it. If there are any hiccups along the way it's so hard to then relay any bad news to others.
As @Peachy1381 said sometimes there's no right thing that can be said, and I've been hurt from some things that my family have said to me when they thought they were being supportive. I know it was said from their heart and a good place though but it's still so so tough.
I commend you for trying to support as best you can ❤️

Thank you all so much.
I really appreciate the advice and am just so desperate not to make things worse.
So far I've tried saying that I'm there whenever she needs me, but have also said that I won't keep mentioning it but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it.

The one "fixing" thing I've said (and I hope it's not a stupid thing to do) is that I'll loan (bad divorce, so I can't afford to give) as much money as I can.
She (very kindly) said that they want to sort things out for themselves which I quite see.

Thank you all again and please know my good wishes are with you all.
Anyone who posts on this board would be such a good parent (as I know my daughter would be), hence my prayers and hopes are with you too.

And I don't mean to sound like her mil's awful or anything.
Just that she never thought that her son and his wife wouldn't have children.
Whereas I knew my DD wanted children but, given a medical training, knew that "want" doesn't "get".

I mean that my training means I know that conception isn't always easy.

@LaMarschallin I don’t have any further advice to the helpful comments already given, I think you already seem to have the balance right. I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful mother and your kind wishes to us all here are lovely to read. I wish you and your family a happy and healthy future, whatever the outcome.

You sound like a lovely, supportive mum and the fact that your daughter felt that she could confide in you about her difficulties conceiving is testament to that. It’s very hard struggling to conceive and would-be grandparents putting pressure on couples intensifies those feelings.

After my first round failed my mum came round one evening and we shared a bottle of wine and talked about their upcoming holiday, I was glad to have my mind taken off it. Just follow her lead if she wants to talk about it, and continue to offer your support as you have already.

Wishing you all the best.

You sound like a lovely caring mum. One thing my mum did when we were going through it was did her own research into the IVF process and the stuff we were dealing with, not to offer advice but so that she understood a bit more what we were going through and I didn't have to explain all the details each time. I really appreciated that she wanted to understand it and I could talk about how I was feeling without also having to explain in detail what each step involved, as it got a bit tiring having the same conversations with everyone! There's loads of great info out there online, podcasts, documentaries etc. I really felt like she was with me every step of the way. I hope your daughter gets there eventually xx

Thank you all so much.
I so desperately don't want to make things worse or put her under any more pressure.

Acting on the advice given here, I've told her that I'm thinking about her all the time and that I love her so very much. I've also said that I won't continually be mentioning it or asking "Anything happened?" all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned.

She was very positive about that, so thank you everyone here that gave me the confidence to say that.

I will also educate myself about the process (I have a medical background but in a very different speciality) sunshineandsea thank you.
My DD might assume I know everything (I really don't) and I also take on board the fact that it would be a real nuisance for her to have to explain every part of the process.

I must say again that I'm so impressed and touched by the kindness and insight I've been shown here. I honestly think you'd all be brilliant mothers based on that.
Every child should be as wanted as yours and my DD's will be.

You sound like such a lovely mum.

My best recommendation is not to offer advice unless asked for it. I have a few IVF failures under my belt and people often, even from people who have done IVF themselves, ask “have you tried/read/done XYZ?”. Trust me - anyone doing IVF has scoured the internet for possible causes and solutions for their infertility.

Just provide her with lots of non judgemental space to chat, worry and cry. The kindest people in those process have been the ones to say how hard it must be and ask me how I’m feeling.

There is a real risk it won’t work so it’s very lonely when people say “you’ll get there eventually!” because it’s a double whammy of not being able to conceive naturally, and not even being able to conceive through IVF.

If you want to do some background reading there’s a brilliant book “Get a life - his and hers guide to IVF” which sets out all the stages clearly.

I haven't watched this but this has been made by the biggest fertility charity for friends and family: m.youtube.com/watch?fbclid=IwAR1GLlVbbK7OkuAx1sZf2XiXIVI0oMSw6ElxiOqYY0T12aBm3k1_B2gLfLE&feature=youtu.be&v=Y0UWXFUBDOQ

Are you my mum? You sound so similar, right down to the tactless MIL!

My mum was such a big help - just quietly being there if I wanted to talk, but not asking anything when I didn't. IVF can end up being so much more expensive than you realise at first (no nhs funding in my area), so it may end up being really helpful to know that they can turn to you on a practical level.

I would definitely recommend doing some research - my mum hadn't paid attention to the current advances in IVF and thought I'd end up like octomom, having 8 at once!

If your daughter's MIL is anything like mine, I wouldn't recommend telling her anything - I couldn't have coped with her reactions after failures and miscarriages.

Things aren't going well.

Today my DD had an ultrasound showing very few eggs and left me a message saying she hates her body because it won't produce children.

Her husband is a lovely man and I have absolute confidence that he will look after her, but is there anything I can do or say?

I'm sorry to bother you all.

So sorry to hear this update.

Just let your daughter talk/rant/cry if she needs to. Tell her she is still a wonderful and valuable human, not a failure at all.

"Tell her she is still a wonderful and valuable human, not a failure at all."

Thank you so much.

It's hard because I want to tell her how wonderful she's made my life, but I don't want her to think that the only reason humans are great is because they produce babies.

Sending hugs to you and your daughter and her husband. The whole fertility struggle can be so, so cruel.

I've not been exactly in your daughter's situation, but I've been at a point where I've hated my body because of infertility, felt worthless and hopeless...

What helps me is a combination of allowing myself time to accept that feeling and grieve, and reminding myself that my body can do lots of things that are pretty awesome, so even if this one thing doesn't happen, I shouldn't define my worth by it.

Once she's ready, she might also want to look at the options that may still be available to her, as low ovarian reserve doesn't necessarily mean the end of the road. There are clinics that specialise in forms of IVF which can be effective (natural modified and mild IVF might be options, and Create Fertility have had a few positive threads about them on here), donor eggs, embryo adoption... Your daughter might not be in a place just now where she can face looking at these but when she's ready, you might be able to support her with it?

@LaMarschallin hello! I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful mother. I was also diagnosed recently with low egg reserve (which sounds like what your DD has?) and it has been incredibly tough to deal with to be honest. Your DD will likely be grieving and it will take a while for her to reach the acceptance stage. What I found helpful from my mum, was for her to be quietly there when I needed to rant or cry to. I always feel worse when my friends say 'oh it will happen, don't worry, don't stress' because they don't know this is the case. But having mum there in the background ready for me to offload was a great comfort.

I’m so sorry to hear that. Are the clinic planning to try and get to egg collection or are they abandoning the cycle?

Is this her first cycle? Often the first one can be a bit hit and miss with medication levels but these can be adjusted for future cycles, or a different protocol can be used (I had long protocol for my first unsuccessful cycle, then short protocol in my second successful one). I didn’t have many embryos (none to freeze from either cycle) but one gave me my daughter.

I responded poorer than expected too and I remember very well how useless I thought my body was too when the first cycle failed. It’s a very hard emotion to come to terms with. Just let her know how sorry you are to hear her news and that you’re always there for her and thinking of her.

You're all so kind - thank you

Yes, it's her first cycle and yes, she's producing very few eggs. I was worried that she sounded a bit over-confident at the start of the process - the higher your hopes, the farther they have to fall of course.

It's so helpful to have advice from people who understand and know how this situation feels.

I don't know if she's ever looked at MN; maybe I should drop a very small hint about looking on here, as I'm sure she would benefit from the support.