How to cope when everyone is pregnant but you

[Youngatheart00]

I’m not being dramatic. Of 20 close friends and family, nearly every one is pregnant or has young children. I feel so alone and so irrelevant. I started avoiding those with ‘happy news’ but if I carry on I will have no friends at all. I’m struggling so much. Life feels pointless.

I’m so sorry you feel so low. I was told I was miscarrying last week at 6 weeks and have this evening had a message from a close friend who’s just found out she’s pregnant, due 2 weeks after we would have been. I don’t really have any words to make it better but just know you aren’t alone xx

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss @Raggity19 that’s so, so tough.

I just feel very alone and very irrelevant

I'm so sorry @Raggity19
@youngatheart00 no magic answer I'm afraid, I understand it as I'm also surrounded by pregnant friends and coworkers and mums with young babies including friends who've got pregnant in only a few months of trying. Lockdown has meant I've managed to distance myself a little, been trying to limit social media or trying to follow people taking about fertility so I'm more exposed to that.
Do you have anything you can try to do to distract yourself? (Much easier said than done!)x

Yes, I try and stay busy. I’ve got a busy job, but that’s at home for the foreseeable too so it adds to the isolation. I’m really dreading Christmas this year 😢

I don't know if there's one near you but fertility network UK have local Facebook groups and do meets ups (via zoom at present so actually locality might be less of an issue!) It might help a little with the isolation side of things?X

Try to see it less as an abstract baby and more of a person. I've found that the sooner I stop seeing "a baby" start seeing "Anna" I am better able to cope with my feelings of envy and hurt.

Other than that, have a big old cry in the bath, let it all out, and put on a brave face.

I think personifying the babies will make me feel worse, as I so desperately want that for myself. I’ll just continue swinging between plastering on a brave face and then going off radar and hibernating periodically when it all gets too much.

Thanks for the fertility group recommendations, I will definitely have a look.

So sorry you are feeling this way, I 100% understand how you feel. It's actually to the point now I kind of feel left out my friend group as they all get together with their kids, birthday parties and stuff. All meet up during the day and I can never manage because of being at work all the time. Makes ttc feel all that much harder.

How do you find the fertility groups?

I completely get it. Seven years unexplained with a couple of miscarriages along the way it’s so crap when it comes to this time of year. Doesn’t help my DB and SIL are due their second any day, I was spared the scan photo on my birthday unlike the first time apparently this one was also a happy accident along with my nephew! She’s a massive social media over sharer we haven’t seen much of them this year due to Covid which has been a blessing.

If you have Facebook search fertility network UK and scroll down the posts and they let you know about local meet ups with links to join the local groups, they are all private groups x

Ah sorry to hear that @rainbowtea23 it's so hard when it seems so easy for others isn't it :( I had to delete social media for a while to avoid the scans and baby photos.
One positive from lockdown!x

It’s unbelievably hard. The only way I got through it was blocking out everyone with young children. If someone I was close to was expecting a baby I would buy a card and present ahead of time, write it at a point I could face doing so, and have it ready to sling in the post when he or she arrived which would inevitably when I was feeling most sad about not being there myself.

I never showed any interest in babies, never spoke about wanting a family or anything to the point I imagine most people thought I didn’t want one.

Meanwhile I filled my life with other things. Work, holidays, and other friends without children (be it by choice or circumstance).

I tried hard not to think ‘If I get pregnant this month the baby will be born in X month’ because that made it more real and so the disappointment was harder. I also very very rarely tested. I couldn’t deal with the single line and the ‘oh but maybe it’s just too early...’ or whatever. It was just easier to wait it out and know for sure.

You don’t say what stage you’re at with treatment but do get on to your GP if you haven’t already. Tests and investigations take a long time so you want to get them started whilst also trying naturally. I was also offered counselling. I didn’t take it but you might want to consider it.

It’s unbelievably hard and anyone in this awful boat has my deepest sympathies.

So sorry your feeling like this and like previous posters have said (and couldn’t agree more!) to limit time on social media / come off it for a while? Don’t think there’s a magic remedy and 8 yrs of infertility & several miscarriages then another friend announces ‘big news’ on social media it’s so gut punching it’s unreal eh!
And like the previous commenters have said I too have very few pals now because I just don’t fit in to their chats & social circles anymore.
I hope you be kind to yourself through all of this and everyone who’s been here for support. Certainly doesn’t get easier x