Hi
I’m really struggling with infertility and resentment at my partner, who I love very much and I’m scared that not only will I not have a child but ruin our relationship.
We met almost three years ago, both 37. For various reasons I hadn’t been in the position to have a child with anyone before. I’d had a run of very shitty dating experiences just before him. Had some low times being single - grief was starting to hit that I’d left it too late for a family and I came from a small family and had lost them all by then (I spent a Christmas day alone). I knew the depression I was falling into and believing a happy family was something that everyone else seems to have and just wasn’t accessible for me was not going to get me anywhere. I picked myself up and had worked hard at trying to make a full life for myself, which included putting my myself back out there, trying to be as positive, healthy, and secure as I possible and not jaded because of the crappy men I was meeting in the hope of meeting someone in time.
With my partner we clicked like I’ve never clicked with anyone, and I was so happy I’d met someone who was decent, funny, warm, kind, and gorgeous. He has a teenage child, and said he didn’t feel he had to have another but would like to with the right person, so there were hints that would be the direction we’d be going in. I felt so f*cking lucky. A few months in I was diagnosed with endometriosis and fibroids after a lap. I knew this and my age likely meant fertility challenges. After a fantastic six months with no red flags from him he sat me down to tell me he’d slept with someone a few months into our relationship (after we’d said we’d be exclusive) and he’d been warned we may have chlamydia. I was absolutely devastated. After snooping through his stuff and discovered there was another girl we slept with twice, five months in. We fought I behaved like a loon, pushing him away and pulling him back – pretty classic anxious attachment behaviour coming out.
We moved in together after eight months (we were doing long distance and something had to give). I’ve had the best time and the worst time of my life with him. My surgeon had warned me about the chances of endo and fibroids coming back and advised me if I want a child to start as soon as possible. We worked on things and got calm and, around a year and a few months in he agreed to start trying for a baby. By the second month we stopped as he had cold feet. I rationally get his perspective – he’d never planned a child with anyone (first was an accident with a casual partner), and a year in is quite soon to try for a family and we had been rocky. He had had an abusive father, split home and wanted to know he was bringing a child into a healthy environment and although we were calm then I think me having exploded at him had stuck with him. I think he also was in the mindset that we had to get our relationship really good and he had to be 100% mentally ready for a child (he said I just have a feeling you will get pregnant very quickly).
I tried to be reassuring for a couple of months but when the baby making wasn’t starting up again I started to get really depressed and we fought regularly. I kept begging him, said I feel like we have so much good here, my chances will be very slim, if this is what you want with me please don’t delay anymore, please don’t let more resentment build on resentment. We got into an awful push pull cycle. Baby making ended up being on hold for 10 months. It felt like the cruellest thing for him to dangle the chance to have a child in front of me and snatch it away, and I pretty much nearly had a break down and struggled to function.
In hindsight I wish I had just stayed calm and held his hand though it and we’d have got there quicker. We had couples therapy and made a lot of progress. He’s never given me any reason to mistrust him since. He really dotes on me, will do anything for me and I know how much he regrets his early mistakes. In between the awfulness, we have such a lovely time and are both very affectionate, supportive and loving. He makes me laugh like no-one else has.
We have tried since February and our relationship has been really good, I’ve got close to his son too. With nothing happening I recently had fertility investigations. My AMHA levels (indicates egg reserves) are borderline low to very low (3.5), just above the threshold were they tell you not to bother with IVF (2). A scan shows I have new fibroids grown back and some endo and I have a cyst on my ovary. I’m still waiting to hear back about the exact chances and it’s been suggested we have IVF, freeze any embryos and try sort my gyne issues out perhaps by surgery if possible because there could be pregnancy complications.
He’s being really supportive and optimistic. I can feel myself sinking back into resentment/depression/feeling angry at him again. Rationally I know it’s not all his fault – my gyne issues and I did leave it late. I can’t help wonder if trying all of last year, and seeking IVF before the pandemic slowed things down and before my gyne problems came back if we would have a child now. I’ve been so up and down I’ve piled on 20 pounds and battled my old habit of smoking, all things that reduce fertility. I’m trying to pick myself up to get myself in the best physical shape.
I suppose I was just so disappointed that our honeymoon period, my happy ever after was tainted. But I told myself I could forget the rocky start and be happy when we had a family. Now it’s hitting me that all our fights over baby making could have been for nothing, there’s no baby and I can’t say at least I have a great relationship and it was a lovely and bonding experience trying. I know I can behave secure when I’m not triggered and I’m just sad this hasn’t been a different experience.
I know if we end up going for IVF I have to let go of the blame, the pity party and take personal responsibility for boosting my chances, because it’s going to be gruelling enough for both of us and for any child. I so much want to let go of resentment because the time periods where I feel I have really been wonderful. I feel we could be really happy of I could let go. I feel I make huge progress and we have lovely periods but it bubbles below the surface and then rears its ugly head. I know deep down is very sorry for what happened, he’s said it over and over when I’ve got mad, but it doesn’t help me to let go that when I get upset now he’s like not this again. I know he’s heard it so much, I just wish he would say to be, unprompted, I’m so sorry that that year delay could have made a difference. Then there’s times I think I should just leave, he doesn’t deserve tormenting forever over his mistakes, and I wanted a better happy ending. I know loving is forgiving and letting mistakes go. I just feel his mistakes had such huge ramifications because of the delicate timing due to age.
Advice appreciated.