Why did this affect me so much

[HammerToFall]

I finished my last ivf cycle 16 years ago. I have two adopted children. I'm come to terms with it, life isn't what I expected but I love the kids and no longer yearn after a pregnancy. I work as a ward clerk on maternity. I see babies born every day, it doesn't bother me, I think it's lovely and I'm happy for them but don't wish it was me. Today I was booked a lady into an induction clinic, she's 45 and been undergoing ivf for 8 years, you would think I would get the same feeling I do when I see the newborns aw that's lovely for her but no, I was nearly crying and couldn't help think why didn't it work for me. I just don't understand. I don't want a baby, I was glad when menopause started last year at 40 as then it removed the if ever. I just don't get why this affected me so much.

Sorry you've had a horrible time just now. It's like grief I think, never completely goes away. Sounds like you deal with it amazingly and you're allowed to feel upset sometimes!

I think you should allow yourself to feel upset, give yourself a couple of days and don't rush yourself out of the feeling so you process it properly

I suppose it hit too close to home - it was a glimpse into what life could have been like? Generally we are very good at crafting a narrative to justify our lives and our choices - it helps us cope. See how difficult most people find it to admit to being wrong, for example. Our brains just can't cope :)

Is there a reason you work in such close proximity to babies? Plenty of other wards in a hospital, so why this?

I'm on the bank, I was on urology for quite some time, however that came to an end and this was where they needed help abs we need the money so it was a needs must