Partner thinks lm unreasonable because lm unset about us stopping trying

[EL8888]

We have been trying for nearly 2.5 years. Unexplained for a while, round of IVF that failed (only abnormal embryos produced) and more recently found out it’s a DNA fragmentation issue with him. No issues have been found with me. Currently have been doing start with the egg, healthy eating, lots of antioxidants etc. Today things reached a head with another period. I suggested to my partner we needed to explore something else e.g. TESE, IMSI etc. He basically said naaah it’s too expensive and too much hassle. I’m upset and frustrated as he can’t even be bothered doing research and he in effect is vetoing me having a child

He things it’s unreasonable that lm upset and angry about this. Me saying he’s ruined my chance of having a child are unfair -l meant in terms of him declining to do more, rather than his fertility issues. But he is basically vetoing any chances pretty much, it’s clear naturally we won’t get anywhere so that’s what he’s doing

Later on today he’s re-framing it as me being “too fragile”. When at lunchtime it was the expense and effort I have had enough, considering ending us trying and ending our relationship

For clarity IVF medication really didn’t agree with me when we did it. Clinic were lazy and unhelpful. He would disengage for 12-13 hours at a time whilst l was feeling unwell from the medication, it felt like he opted out a lot.

This is all very tough on you and I can see why you are considering ending the relationship. We also have male issues with high DNA frag however it’s now back just below abnormal range. My DH completely overhauled his diet, gave up all alcohol and caffeine, takes every supplement I buy him religiously and does anything I ask him. He has had a varicoele embolized following a urology referral and said if that didn’t bring the frag down enough he would do TESE for surgical sperm removal. I would have thought a lot less of him if he had the attitude of your partner. Especially when the woman goes through so much with ivf. My DH is also always extra attentive to me when doing ivf.

Have you made your feelings clear re potentially ending the relationship? Would you both benefit from counselling in case there’s something going on with him that he is so resistant to being proactive about trying to conceive?

I should say there was a thread on here before where several women only got pregnant through surgical sperm removal. I don’t think I would be able to stay in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t even try surgical removal for us to have a child. My consultant said it’s the same level of invasiveness and pain as egg collection. If you are willing to do IVF why isn’t he willing to do this part.

Sadly I would say that if he's this selfish now, having a child will categorically not change anything and he'll likely get worse.

I would have to bail. I would lose respect for him.

@Whitecottoncandy Yep l made it pretty clear this is probably a deal breaker. I said his apathy, lack of motivation and attitude made me sick. I told him l would probably resent him forever, so the writing is on the wall

He is keen to say he found IVF as tough as me. But that doesn’t match how l feel especially with the constant injections, appointments sometimes 5 day a week etc. I felt quite unwell after the 1st transfer failed and a few weeks after had an ovarian cyst burst -doctor thinks it was due to the IVF medication. As I’ve not had cysts before

Yeah, no.. he did not find it as tough as you.

@ivftake1 exactly. But he’s keen to say that’s not the case. I don’t remember getting to opt out for hours at a time, too busy with stomach ache and worrying about forgetting my next lot of medication

@Whitecottoncandy PS l forgot to respond to your counselling query. We had relationship counselling about a year or so to go. I didn’t find it massively helpful, it just felt another thing that l “should do” but l never actually got much out of

It's an awful position to be in. I would cut my losses and call it a day but I obviously only know what you've written here. Barring any extenuating circumstances on his side however...

He sounds worse with your update. How on earth can he think the ivf as tough for him as it was for you. While I fully understand that it can be tough emotionally in the male partner this should come via wanting to support their partner and being fully committed to the process and it’s outcome and it sounds like he is neither. I’m sorry that he has treated you so badly. Have you thought about what would happen next? Have you said it’s fully commit to ivf and TESE or the relationship is over?

I would worry about his commitment to being a father. IVF is rough but parenthood is 1000 times harder. It really tested my marriage in the beginning.

@surveybuilding tempting. Problem is l am 40, thanks to having my time wasted for 2.5 years . But the quiet single life is super appealing right now

@surveybuilding tempting. Problem is l am 40, thanks to having my time wasted for 2.5 years . But the quiet single life is super appealing right now

@Whitecottoncandy lm barely speaking to him. I went to the gym to get away from him after a day stuck in the house with him (lm working from home and he’s on annual leave). When l got back then he was acting like nothing had happened, tried to make me dinner and was trying to sweep it under the carpet. He’s made his feelings clear, the question is do l try to get past this or just make clear he needs to move out after lockdown (it’s my house). Currently leaving the trying to conceive groups on Facebook, no need for them now

It could be worth doing some counselling but yourself to talk through it all. It’s hard to walk away but also very hard to stay with someone who if they just had an attitude change could be the difference between having a child or not.

It could be worth doing some counselling but yourself to talk through it all. It’s hard to walk away but also very hard to stay with someone who if they just had an attitude change could be the difference between having a child or not.

Hey hun , personally I would resent someone not trying , especially if you went into a relationship agreeing to have children. It would be a dealbreaker for me. I would totally resent him for the rest of my life! Us women only have a finite window . Honestly , I would get a sperm donor ( I was looking at this when I met my dh and was going through the motions) I put it off when I met him and 6 months later I was very lucky to fall pregnant and have a child. Unfortunately, we’ve had a tonne of bad luck with ttc since but we are in it together and he’s given up booze , takes supplements and does whatever I ask basically ! He wouldn’t hesitate to do anything to improve our chances although we’ve investigated and he has great sperm. I could not live with someone who denied me the opportunity when time was not on my side . That’s just my view of course , he may have other great qualities but I would find it too selfish and end it. Life is too short to have regrets as they say .. what would you regret more not trying to have a child or losing him ? In addition , kicking him out might be a wake up call ! X