To not want to take on IVF and a SEND Tribunal at the same time?

[PinkOrchid2015]

Sorry in advance if this is posted in the wrong area, I am new to mumsnet and dont really know where this belongs...

Im currently preparing for a SEND Tribunal for my DS with suspected Autism. He has just started reception and is already very behind academically and socially therefore there is no time to waste in securing support for him in school.

Understandably, this is a very emotionally and mentally draining process and involves tonnes of appointments and assessments for my DS in the upcoming months. I have chosen to pay for independent reports over paying for a solicitor/barrister to take on my case therefore I need to be fully committed to managing everything myself. The whole process will most likely take up until February/March to complete.

I did a fresh IVF cycle in March this year which ended in a chemical/early miscarriage at 5 weeks. It was devastating but the silver lining was that I ended up 3 top quality blasts frozen from this cycle.

My consultant advised to put the embryos back sooner rather than later as only one ovary responded to the stimms during this cycle. I guess this wont matter if one of the frozen embryos ends up working but if they dont, I will need another fresh cycle and theres a risk my remaining ovary may have also packed up by then.

Now the problem is, my DH desperately wants me to start IVF again regardless of the stresses of Tribunal. I on the other hand, am terrified of being high on hormones, running back and forth for scans and blood tests, and then running back and forth for my DS's appointments and assessments too. Theres also the possibility that our appointments may overlap which will complicate things further.

I am also scared I may miscarry again and then will have to face a Tribunal straight after which would be too much for me.

DH on the other hand, thinks I should take everything on at once because having lots of overlapping pressures is part of life and you cant just put things on hold until the "perfect time". Is he right? Am I being unreasonable to want to take on one battle at a time? I'm such an unlucky person I have become overly cautious about every little thing. I expect failure in everything that I do so I begin preparing for it before it has even happened... is this me being overly cautious again or should I just wait until Tribunal is over and then pursue IVF???

I think I'd be the same as you and want to do one then the other. If I did both together and the FET didn't work or it worked but then went wrong I'd be blaming myself for having been to stressed or to thinly spread and I'd be kicking myself for wasting an embryo. I'm not saying that these feelings would be reasonable or rational or that the tribunal would absolutely negatively impact on the FET but I know how irrational thought processes can be when it comes to infertility.

Thank you for your response. Those were my thoughts exactly, I just needed to hear it from someone else! There are too many scenarios where things could go horribly wrong, I just dont think it's worth the risk or the regret. The added advantage of waiting until March is that covid may be on it's way out by then (I pray!)

@PinkOrchid2015

Sorry in advance if this is posted in the wrong area, I am new to mumsnet and dont really know where this belongs...

Im currently preparing for a SEND Tribunal for my DS with suspected Autism. He has just started reception and is already very behind academically and socially therefore there is no time to waste in securing support for him in school.

Understandably, this is a very emotionally and mentally draining process and involves tonnes of appointments and assessments for my DS in the upcoming months. I have chosen to pay for independent reports over paying for a solicitor/barrister to take on my case therefore I need to be fully committed to managing everything myself. The whole process will most likely take up until February/March to complete.

I did a fresh IVF cycle in March this year which ended in a chemical/early miscarriage at 5 weeks. It was devastating but the silver lining was that I ended up 3 top quality blasts frozen from this cycle.

My consultant advised to put the embryos back sooner rather than later as only one ovary responded to the stimms during this cycle. I guess this wont matter if one of the frozen embryos ends up working but if they dont, I will need another fresh cycle and theres a risk my remaining ovary may have also packed up by then.

Now the problem is, my DH desperately wants me to start IVF again regardless of the stresses of Tribunal. I on the other hand, am terrified of being high on hormones, running back and forth for scans and blood tests, and then running back and forth for my DS's appointments and assessments too. Theres also the possibility that our appointments may overlap which will complicate things further.

I am also scared I may miscarry again and then will have to face a Tribunal straight after which would be too much for me.

DH on the other hand, thinks I should take everything on at once because having lots of overlapping pressures is part of life and you cant just put things on hold until the "perfect time". Is he right? Am I being unreasonable to want to take on one battle at a time? I'm such an unlucky person I have become overly cautious about every little thing. I expect failure in everything that I do so I begin preparing for it before it has even happened... is this me being overly cautious again or should I just wait until Tribunal is over and then pursue IVF???

I think your DH probably has a point. There will always be pressures, especially if your son does have SEN needs, but in your position I would be trying to minimise the stresses to myself. Can your DH take on the day to day pressures for the tribunal so you can focus on the IVF? Can he take ownership of your injection schedule and IVF cycle so you can support your son?

I think that while my DH can sympathise with what I'm going through, I don't think he truly gets what it is actually like. I'm the one who has to go to the appointments, deal with the effects of the meds, physically go through the procedures etc. Having said that FET is much easier physically than a fresh cycle but still, sounds like doing both at once could be very stressful

@GrumpyHoonMain I dont trust DH to take on day to day management of the Tribunal or IVF, he is constantly forgetful, easily distracted and never completes a task from start to end, similar to our DS (hence the Sen). Its actually quicker and easier to just do things myself than to keep reminding and chasing him to do it. His strength is numbers, he has found a career that centres around this and has made a success out of it but he really is useless at non-work stuff so I manage all things in our home life myself...

@TTCIVF Our primary infertility is male factor (azoospermia), he has undergone two surgical extractions in the last 9 years and really feels he 'gets' the physical side of IVF. Last year he had his chartership exam, a job interview and his surgery all on the same week! I was stressed for him but he had the same philosophy then too, life goes on! He seems to thrive off the the adrenaline but I'm just not built that way. After 5 fresh cycles of IVF (and 1 DS) I think I just want to slow down now...

[quote PinkOrchid2015]@GrumpyHoonMain I dont trust DH to take on day to day management of the Tribunal or IVF, he is constantly forgetful, easily distracted and never completes a task from start to end, similar to our DS (hence the Sen). Its actually quicker and easier to just do things myself than to keep reminding and chasing him to do it. His strength is numbers, he has found a career that centres around this and has made a success out of it but he really is useless at non-work stuff so I manage all things in our home life myself...

@TTCIVF Our primary infertility is male factor (azoospermia), he has undergone two surgical extractions in the last 9 years and really feels he 'gets' the physical side of IVF. Last year he had his chartership exam, a job interview and his surgery all on the same week! I was stressed for him but he had the same philosophy then too, life goes on! He seems to thrive off the the adrenaline but I'm just not built that way. After 5 fresh cycles of IVF (and 1 DS) I think I just want to slow down now...[/quote]
Azoospermia extractions for a man who is also helping with the thinking and planning and injecting side of IVF is hard work. Not in your DH’s case. I mean if he can’t even be trusted to run the house to allow you to recover from a stim cycle I’d argue whether you get any value from this relationship at all.

Seriously, what do you get out of this relationship? SEN or not is beside the issue the facts are that he isn’t pulling is weight in any way shape or form - adding another child to this just doesn’t seem right.

I know it probably sounds like im implying he doesn't pull his weight but I was trying to say I think he has some form of Sen because he shares the same difficulties as our DS and that may be the reason why hes rubbish at managing things at home..

Right now I cant say I'm getting much from the relationship or even life itself, but it's not because of DH. It's the mental damage caused by 4 failed ivf cycles, the miscarriage, my sons autism and the current battle against the Local Authority to secure him an adequate education. Maybe the problem is me, I seem to be cursed