MIL breaching our confidence and telling people

[Fro93]

I’m aware posting to an internet full of strangers might seem hypocritical but nobody here knows us personally and I hope you’ll be able to offer advice to me before I say something I regret

We’ve been TTC 18 months now and I had my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy yesterday,

I have PCOS and was told yesterday Adenomyosis which I kind of suspected but was still a shock.

Anyway here I am less than 24 hours after the op and MIL text to see how I’d got on. Told her we would touch base in a few weeks after follow up but diagnosis of adeno. I followed it up telling her we hadn’t told anyone about the op other than my parents, his Parents and work.

She’s replied saying she’s told 2 of their friends we are TTC and having tests but won’t tell them the diagnosis. They are “praying for us”.

Maybe it’s the post op pain and me getting emotional but I’m really upset about this. If we wanted her friends (who have known DH since he was a child) to know we would have told them.

It’s a private issue and I wish we hadn’t said anything to them now. And I don’t really want to confide in them any more. We told them because my parents knew, we didn’t want to lie to them, but didn’t tell them until things got real and we were being referred under fertility.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset? Am I over sensitive? Is this me spitting my dummy out because I’m in pain today?
Does the fact they are all praying for us show they mean well?
(Were not particularly religious and the more diagnoses I keep getting the more irritated I get at the praying comments but it’s nice of them to think of us in their own way)

I cried when I read the message. That made my tummy hurt even more, and it hasn’t settled since. DH is mad because they’ve breached our trust and I’m in pain.

We havent replied but I think I need to say something?

From your post though you didn't specifically say to her not to tell anyone? Just that you hadn't told anyone yourselves and this was after you had the procedure?
The praying comments would get on my nerves and I used to get that a lot but in the end had to let a lot of it go over my head as didn't have the energy to get annoyed about it with everything else going on x

@ivfbeenbusy

From your post though you didn't specifically say to her not to tell anyone? Just that you hadn't told anyone yourselves and this was after you had the procedure? The praying comments would get on my nerves and I used to get that a lot but in the end had to let a lot of it go over my head as didn't have the energy to get annoyed about it with everything else going on x

It's a unwritten rule to me that you don't spout someone else's health issues to your mates. You're MIL is in the wrong

Thanks both for your responses

@ivfbeenbusy my text said we’re not intending on telling people we’re having issues as it’s a lot to take in at the min and only they/my parents know
but yes you’re right I didn’t say that to them until yesterday and we had told them a couple of months ago that we had been referred to fertility services. I just had a hunch she might be telling people so now we know she has it’s upset me :/

It’s an unwritten rule to me too @ivftake1 and especially because DH and we know these people she has told (that somehow makes it feel worse to me as if we had wanted them to know we would have told them ourselves?). Also makes me wonder who else she has told. I’m beating myself up now though because maybe I should have said from the start don’t say anything to anyone- I just thought it was a given (DH said he thinks I did tell her at the time but in all honesty I don’t remember the conversation too well and thought they needed a prompt so maybe I didn’t)

The praying thing annoys me but same as you I don’t have the energy to say anything so I just ignore it. But I don’t think I can ignore that I’m upset she’s told them, I think she needs to know that so she doesn’t tell them anything else

That’s awful @Fro93. Your MIL shouldn’t be telling anyone your business and it shouldn’t need to be said. It’s common courtesy not to tell someone else’s news or business. I would be annoyed too. As for the friends saying they are praying for you - they probably felt awkward and didn’t know what to say to MiL after dropping the news and have just said that as thought it was right.

I would definitely let her know now that anything she is told is in confidence and she is not to repeat to anyone. That is not an unreasonable request.

I would be annoyed too - it's basic courtesy that people shouldn't go around talking about other people's health issues, especially ones of a sensitive nature.

Op, say something gently to her so she doesn't do it again! And you could ask for who she's actually told so you're prepared

You are not unreasonable at all. If I told my mum about my fertility issues in confidence and she blabbed to family friends who have known me since I was a baby, I would be really upset too! She’s taken the choice of confidentiality away from you. And there’s private things you just don’t want family friends knowing.

I didn’t really talk to anyone about my fertility treatment, only a friend who had been through the same experience. I couldn’t have coped with being pressed for updates, and trying to deliver bad news and come to terms with it myself would have been too much. So I spent a lot of time anonymously on forums to get the support.

I think you are well within your rights not to give updates to MIL until you feel comfortable. If she asks, I would tell her you will update her when there is some news. And then it’s up to you to determine what is “news”, and what you feel comfortable sharing.

Oh OP, I had the same thing with my (otherwise lovely) MIL and it’s v upsetting. Not sure what the pp was on about, with something this personal you shouldn’t have to ‘tell them not to tell anyone else’.

We dealt with 5 years of tests, laparoscopies and ivf and she was constantly telling me about how they were praying for us at their church, recommending ‘miracle’ cures their friends daughter had tried (so had obv been discussing with all and sundry), ‘so and so sends her love’ etc after our latest round of ivf had failed. I actually had to be quite stern with her because she couldn’t seem to get her head around how upset and vulnerable it made us that all these people knew our private business. I even said that I don’t care if you talk about us, just don’t tell me about it because it upsets me! I ended up asking her how she would like it if I was gossiping about her bowel problems and fil’s drinking problems with everyone I knew, and she finally got the message.

Hugs for you OP, it’s really tough. I would keep quiet and not give any more updates. If she can’t be trusted to respect your wishes, she doesn’t need to know x

Thank you all for your replies- I wasn’t sure if I was being over sensitive as I’ve been high as a kite the last few days since the lap (does it ever get better?! Haha)

We’ve asked her nicely not to speak about it any more with them. She hasn’t said sorry but has said it cane out of concern and her friend had had difficulties conceiving, so was asking about us. I think they’ve meant well, it wasn’t gossip but more concern so going to leave it there but as you’ve all advised only share updates when we are ready to :) life is way too short and too precious to be falling out over this sort of stuff

It’s such a tricky subject and I hope one day I’ll be brave enough to open up to people going through it without being anon on the internet! x

Hello everyone I hope you don’t mind me reactivating this thread as you were all supportive last time- happy to move to another thread if this triggers anybody though I feel you will understand my position better having been through infertility

We now have some news- I’m 8 weeks and we’re having an early scan later today.

I feel dreadful in all honesty, grateful, but physically awful

I really want to tell my mum who lives down the road, I feel she will make me feel better and she will be so happy!
But my OH has said if we do then we have to tell MIL, even though we’ve had the above history of her telling everyone about treatment and it upsetting us.

It came up again before Xmas (the surgery thing) and she said they were only being nice, so doesn’t actually appreciate how much of a big deal it is for us that things are kept quiet.

Would you just say nothing to anyone until after 12 weeks? I feel like I need my mum! But it’s causing a bit of contention between me and my husband :/

I should add- I’d be happy for my own mum to know if things go wrong, but not MIL and all her friends. I don’t feel I’d get the support and the whole world would know about it

At this stage it is medical information about what is going on in YOUR body, not your DPs. There is no point in hiding it from your mum if you would want her to know if things went wrong. Your MIL doesn't need to know that your mum found out before her. You are feeling ill and you want your mum. Your DP doesn't get to dictate otherwise. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Congratulations 🎉
Have you spoken about how he'd feel about talking to his mum if anything went wrong? We haven't discussed what we'd do but I know I'd need my mum no matter what. I don't think he'd be thinking of the emotional side of it, more it being fair.

Congratulations OP.
You know what I don't believe all this fairness stuff that is bandied about in terms of telling people your own private information. Tell your mum if it will help your stress levels and she will not be the type when you hopefully do make a happy announcement to say 'oh of course I've known for ages it was so hard keeping quiet'.
Talk to DH and make him understand how you feel.
For what it is worth I actually won't tell my mum early if it ever happens for us because she blabbed my sister's pregnancy news to some aunts without permission and my sister was upset.
But I understand not everyone is like that.
My dad is very good at keeping things confidential if I ask. MIL would tell everyone!

Thank you all for your advice. I’m measuring about a week “behind” (not a surprise due to the PCOS and skewing dates) but it’s encouraged me to not tell parents for a wee while yet as it’s still very early days

If I start feeling any worse I will tell my mum though DH seems to understand why I wouldn’t tell MIL at this stage

It’s all so political when it doesn’t need to be!