Who does she think she is?!!!?

[EL8888]

Just had a fun argument with my fiancé about his bosses comments about me. During a supervision session at work our fertility issues came up and the fact I’ve been upset / angry about our predicament (trying for over 2 years, Clomid didn’t work and IVF didn’t work). To give some background she is his manager but they have been friends for about 20 years.

She has commented about me “needing to get better at controlling my emotions and it’s not his problem to solve”. Who is she comment on the way l feel? Of course for the record, she has 3 children and is one of those people who decides she wants a baby then just has one. I queried who is she to comment on the way l feel and she can keep her nose out. He’s taken offence at this and taken her side. I’m fuming

As expected she is one of those people who assume they would be totally great at not being able to have children while coincidentally never going to be in the situation.

I’m sorry he is taking her side. He should be your biggest support in all this.

I would also be very upset at what she said. I’ve admittedly been completely batshit crazy at times with my emotions (trying 3 years, 2 failed ivf didn’t even get to embryo transfer) and my husband has always fully supported me and understood why.

I hope he realises soon and makes it up to you.

Yep! Exactly @Exilecardigan I also wonder if she busted out the why don’t you adopt question? Always helpful!

This has been one of the worst experiences of my life which has been so distressing. I have tried so hard: Clomid resulted in cysts, trying to be healthy, hundred of appointments, side effects from IVF, extra costs associated with IVF etc. It’s put so much pressure on our lives and our relationship. Then this cheeky cow starts judging the way l feel and me being upset?!

She has absolutely no right to judge you! Nobody knows how it feels until they go through it themselves, you deserve to be emotional and you absolutely should be able to rely on your partner! I'm angry for you

Wow! I would be absolutely fuming, made even worse by OH taking her side! I'm sorry OP, that's pretty nasty. X

Apparently he doesn’t like the way l spoke about her. Yeah I said she was judgey and condescending, but she was!

Why is he even discussing your feelings with her? You two are the team, she is outside of that and has overstepped the line big time.
Infertility is a couple's problem to solve, because even if you have low AMH like me the end result is that both DH and I are childless not by choice.
Condescending remarks from the easily fertile are just the pits. 💐

Why on earth would they be discussing you at his meeting? Not sure what a supervision meeting is but it's certainly not very professional to discuss someone who isn't an employee and their personal life surely???

@ivfdreaming in our line of work we regularly have sessions where we talk about any issues or concerns. Our private life sometimes comes up in these sessions. For clarity she isn’t trained in any therapies, that’s obvious as right at the start of most therapy training it’s made clear to you NOT to say “l know exactly how you feel....”. Because even if you have been in someone’s situation or very similar, then people often feel differently anyway.

His attitude of late had really pissed me off. Last weeks argument was he suggesting we give up trying to conceive. This was after l suggested he chase up a clinic for a day / time for his DNA fragmentation test which he didn’t like. He’s been in contact with them for about a month but they seem unable to organise themselves.

@JeNeBaguetteRien exactly, l doubt she can offer any pearls of wisdom . Ironically it appears as if he is the one with the issue, but at the end of the day it’s a joint issue.

I’m raging at him listening to her rubbish. Then being annoyed at me challenging her insights and opinions. I really don’t care about some random persons opinions and l don’t see why l need to entertain her nonsense. When your life is going swimmingly it’s too easy to judge other people’s and their struggles

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It’s so stressful as it is without being a team with your partner. It would see very remiss to give up if he hadn’t even had a DNA frag test. Still lots left to explore that might make the difference. Could be worth sitting down for a proper chat? He may be struggling with it all more than he’s realised.

@Exilecardigan he said he is very sceptical about DNA fragmentation, part of me wonders if he’s being avoidant. I wasn’t convinced by the IVF clinic we originally used: poor after care when l felt physically unwell and they created a load of genetically abnormal embryos so l wanted to go elsewhere for the DNA fragmentation test. He’s hellbent on using that clinic or the clinic who have faffed around for over a month (they either don’t reply to his emails or send random replies that make little sense). I have made crystal clear my feelings about them but it’s like my opinion doesn’t count and he wants to do what he wants to do.

To be honest l increasingly don’t see the point in talking about it, he doesn’t listen to me anyway. I also have a feeling he’s going to want me to apologise about what l said about his manager, there is zero chance of me apologising as lm not sorry and l still stand by what l said. I have literally made a world of effort in an attempt to conceive (l still have cysts from the , weight gain, blood tests, injections, procedures etc), yet he rates her half baked opinions over how l feel

That’s sounds very tough. I wouldn’t apologise either. If he can’t see your view at all and is being avoidant about a very basic test (not like it even involves a blood test!!) then maybe would you guys consider fertility counselling? I’ve always had it in the back of my mind that if we stop communicating or things get too stressful we might need it to see the wood from the trees!!!!

I’m amazed they didn’t test him properly before ploughing ahead with ivf though. Some clinics are so useless!