Do I just need to get over it?

[Grumpsy]

So as a bit of background, my oh and I haven’t been on contraception for circa. 6 years, been actively trying for over half this.

We started fertility testing last year, mine aren’t complete but all look ok up to now, My oh’s are showing some issues.

A good friend knows this, has just found out she’s pregnant. I didn’t take the news too well at first and avoided seeing her for a few days as I don’t want her to think my own emotions about my struggles mean I’m not happy for her.

I’m happy for her, but I’m struggling to cope with all the complaints about her being pregnant. I don’t know if I’m mentally strong enough to be the crutch. I just wanted to vent, me being upset is hurting my oh, as at the moment he seems to think it’s all his fault (of course it’s not his fault at all). Am I a complete cow for just wanting to take a step back from it all or do I just need to man up.

Hello @Grumpsy - to be honest I think most of us on this forum would agree and say we’ve all been there! And are still probably there.

All my close friends are on their 2nd children, one even on her third! (Me and friends are 27...) And as I’m happy for them I can’t help but let it upset me as me and my partner have been trying for 2.5 years, and we’re now two rounds of IVF in.

When my friend told me she was pregnant again last year I just cried on my bed, sobbed like a baby. She’s an amazing mum but it was an accident with someone she had been with for two minutes. And now we suspect my partners brothers wife is pregnant, it’s their first child and been married longer than we’ve been together, so of course I’m happy for them! But it’s a reminder that it’s not me, and that we are still in this situation.

It’s so normal for us women to feel this way when we’re in this situation. My best advise with the whole infertility thing is... You do you!

Whatever that may be, taking a step back from social media, being less sociable etc, as long as you are happy with those things then that’s all that matters xx

@Grumpsy not at all! This is such a hard thing to to through so don’t be too hard on yourself. We found out we’d never conceive naturally about 18 months ago and at first I was ok with it (I think it was the shock) but as time has gone by it’s got harder and harder. I met with two friends and their babies last week and sobbed in the car when I got home. Another friend announced her pregnancy recently after struggling to conceive for a year and I sobbed then too. Makes you feel awful but you’re only human. I try to be honest where I can with my friends now about how I’m feeling as I think unless you go through infertility yourself you just have no idea how painful it can be. Be kind to yourself. X

Dot457 - the thing is I feel after my initial melt down I was coping fairly well, but she knows we’ve been going for tests, and have been trying for years. What’s getting to me is the complaining about the symptoms etc. I get it’s not an easy time, but I’d swap with her in a heartbeat. I just don’t feel like I’m the crutch she needs to support her through it to be honest. She’s one of the few people I’ve told about our ttc misery. To top it off I now feel awful, am struggling to sleep because I either feel guilty or just heartbroken.

[quote Raggity19]@Grumpsy not at all! This is such a hard thing to to through so don’t be too hard on yourself. We found out we’d never conceive naturally about 18 months ago and at first I was ok with it (I think it was the shock) but as time has gone by it’s got harder and harder. I met with two friends and their babies last week and sobbed in the car when I got home. Another friend announced her pregnancy recently after struggling to conceive for a year and I sobbed then too. Makes you feel awful but you’re only human. I try to be honest where I can with my friends now about how I’m feeling as I think unless you go through infertility yourself you just have no idea how painful it can be. Be kind to yourself. X[/quote]
I’m trying to be honest with her without hurting her feelings, without just snapping at her. I can come across as quite a strong person, so I don’t know if she realises the effect it’s having, but to be honest I just feel broken and devastated, and I don’t know if I’m expecting too much for a bit of understanding and sensitivity.

I was in the same position with a "friend" last year. I use the term friend like that because we weren't close to start with and her behaviour made me distance myself from her completely. She would moan to me about her morning sickness constantly despite knowing we had just had a failed round of ivf (I told her thinking it would make her back off a little, it didn't). In the end I just said look I get your feeling poorly but I would literally do anything right now to experience morning sickness so could you possibly lean on someone else for support with this? Her response was that she was sure our mutual friend who had had to have a hysterectomy a few years ago would love it even more than I would so I shouldn't moan. I think she was hurt that I pulled her up on her insensitivity of complaining about her pregnancy so shot back with that rather than just apologising.
It sounds like your friend is actually a close friend, so I imagine she would respond much nicer. Maybe just say I'm so happy for you, but I'm also so sad for me, I'll ask about your pregnancy when I'm feeling up to it on good days, but please can you try to limit the amount of pregnancy talk to me?
Infertility sucks!!

I really think that only women who went through infertility truly understand how we feel. Even friends and family are upsetting us because they didn't go through the same journey. I agree with the comment above we should do whatever makes us happy, it's time to be selfish and not to try to please everybody around us for a change.

Prioritise your own heart OP.

Let your friend know that you are happy for her but as you are going through IVF and fertility issues right now your not the right person to talk to about the downsides of pregnancy. Be really diplomatic but also very clear.

If she cares about you she will understand and be sensitive around you. If she keeps blabbering on, distance yourself a bit.

Its totally fine to be happy for her but sad for yourself. As we all know here, infertility sucks!!! xx

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal and natural. You're not a cow at all.

I think @peanutsandpinenuts advice is excellent. Unless you have been through it, you can't possibly understand the shitness that is infertility. Explaining to your friend that you're pleased for her but that at the moment you can't be the person she leans on for support with pregnancy issues is perfectly fair and respectful. If she's a good friend, she'll understand that and give you the space you need.

No not at all, back in 2018 when we were nearing the end of investigations and waiting for the you need IVF confirmation, in 10 weeks 5 people announced pregnancy's, with each I lost more control of my emotions, I was so consumed with my own sadness I felt nothing else
Into 2019 I struggled with my mental health due to infertility and going to baby showers and such to save face, I would get anxious about going, unable to relax waiting for the dreaded comments and intrusive questions of why aren't we trying for a baby and cry when I left, this year I decided I would not be attending any such events, I find it easier when the baby's are born for some reason it's when friends are pregnant I tend to avoid them more and I'm passed caring about it, if you've not been through you don't understand and I don't want your pity of "I just can't imagine what your going through" no you can't!

I think the key thing here, is that as cliche as it sounds - it's ok to not be ok.

You can be happy for someone and still be sad for yourself at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive feelings, and it's absolutely ok to accept that you're finding it hard being her shoulder to cry on. However, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, just because you'd do anything to be in her shoes, doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid. She's obviously struggling with pregnancy, and for whatever reason has chosen you to talk to about it. The best thing you can do is be honest with her. Be kind and diplomatic and just explain that you do want to be there for her (as I assume you want her to be there for you) but can she forgive you if sometimes you find it a little bit difficult hearing about it. So if perhaps you don't respond in the way she wants you, it's not a reflection on her and it's not that you don't care, it's just that you're having a really hard time with it at the moment.

Hopefully she will take that hint and maybe appreciate that she's being a little insensitive wanting to complain to you about it. Perhaps she doesn't know quite how much you're hurting right now??

You can still be a good friend and look after your own feelings at the same time. As important as her feelings may be to you, your feelings should always take precedent

@Grumpsy
Here is a BIG hug!!! 🤗💗

It’s definitely ok to feel however you feel. I’m in exactly the same position as you. I have unexplained infertility and last week we had an unsuccessful first attempt IVF.

This week I spent the day with my best friend who is 40 weeks and due to pop any day.
I’ve also had a wonderful day with my four nieces. In total we have 12 nieces and nephews and ALL of my friends have children.
For me the hardest times are when people announce a pregnancy. Tell people exactly how you feel otherwise they are oblivious and they won’t understand your feelings.
However in the further on the day that you do become a mum/dad many many other people will be in our shoes and hurting/aching/praying/wishing they were pregnant or adopting or however we eventually make our families.

@mrsmummy1111 has some VERY wise words. Having honest conversations with people will help you to cope and your OH too. Make sure you talk to him about it at a time when emotions are calmer. Me and my husband are trying to do this and it’s really really helping.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

I’ve just been on a complete draining spin of emotions recently and I think after finding out about OH, this was what broke me.

I’ve spoken to my friend, I’ve told her that I do want to be there for her but I may not be the best person to talk to about symptoms for a few weeks while I process the fact that I’m probably going to have to move on to ivf with there being something with OH.

I just don’t think she realised how hard I’m taking the strain of this. I’m not generally one to talk feelings, or show too much emotion if I can help it.