Advice on whether to go for IVF needed

[sdra]

Hello
I'm 40. I have two children. We wanted a third. Of course thought we would have no problems. Ha! Now 18 months on and nothing. I've had all the tests done and it's just unexplained fertility. I've tried IUI with no luck. We kept saying one more month and stop but here we are and now I'm feeling like I'm running out of time. We always thought ivf was not for us as we have two children already but now I'm changing my mind. I feel like maybe it's my last chance. Has anyone had it? What was it like and how long from deciding to do it to having it done did it take? Or is there anything else I should try?

I'm seeing a lovely acupuncturist who has suggested a couple of other tests I could try and she will support me to try another few months naturally if I want to do that too. I've bought my husband some antibody boosting supplements (his sperm is ok on test), I'm rattling with pills including folate, thyroxine, vit d, b vits and I'm trying my best to eat fertility rich foods. I'm prioritising my mental health as I think stress may have something to do with not getting pregnant. So I'm doing 10 mins meditation and yoga a few times a week and running too.

I guess I'd just like some insight into ivf, how stressful it is and what you would advise. Because it's invasive and we do have children initially I was against the idea. If I didn't have children or just one I would be going for it but somehow with already being lucky with two it kind of feels like I'm pushing my luck.

Thanks for any advice or support xx

Hi.

Ivf is STRESSFUL. You know that 'am I'? Feeling every month? It's that ON STEROIDS. It's the emotional side that is difficult. The physical side isn't to be sneezed at, but the whole thing really messes with your head.

That said, it stopped me committing suicide...

Stress is not stopping you getting pregnant. Women get pregnant in war zones...

Age is a huge factor for fertility, unfortunately... how many rounds would you be willing to/ can afford to do? Expect at least 3(view it as a bonus if an earlier round works), but many find it takes many more. Looks at the stats and think about what you're willing to do. Are you willing to spend 10 grand without any guarantees? 40 grand?

In your shoes, no, I wouldn't do it. But you aren't me.

You would need to go into it with eyes wide open. Hfea website is a decent place to start. There is also an ivf calculator online somewhere that gives you more personalised odds of success.

If you're willing to undergo ivf, whatever you do, don't go into it thinking it will work quickly.

Thanks. No I only want to try once. Yes I thought it would be stressful ☹️ How long does one cycle take? I'm aware there is all sorts of faff like injections and operations to remove eggs and what not. I'm looking at the evewell clinic which seems to have a much better success rate than others. Given I'm 40 I think I typically have a 5-10% chance but they suggest 35% chance. I guess it was just throwing it all at one go of this before calling it a day. I didn't think I'd feel so upset by not being able to have a third but it turns out I am.

I personally wouldn't have done IVF if I had 2 children already. I have 1 and wanted to give her a sibling - that was our biggest driver.

It's a huge undertaking - emotionally physically and financially. We've spent £35k and are finally pregnant after 5 cycles and 4 transfers. At times I am wracked with guilt for a number of reasons

• the money we could have spent on our daughter - she hadn't had a holiday in years because all the spare money went into IVF. We can't move house because we remortgaged and the loans we took out mean staying where we are for several more years

• she's had to suffer through my mood swings; your emotions and hormones are on a knife edge from not only the pressure of it working but also the drugs. I've been snappy with her when I haven't meant to be

• I nearly died following a ruptured ectopic after an IVF transfer last year. I was horrified that my pursuit of a baby nearly left her motherless

• it's taken a massive amount of time and focus off her which I'll never get back

IVF takes over your life - life is planned around drugs and treatment and then the next one and the one after that

I can honestly say that IVF is one of the most selfish things I've done in terms of our family.

If I didn't have any children already of course I'd feel differently and would go to the ends of the earth (and my finances!) to have a baby but when you've already got children the dynamics change hugely x

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. And thank you for sharing them with me. Yes perhaps I should invest more into giving the next few goes naturally and then work out how to close the door. I'm not sure my mental health would be up to ivf it seems. IUI was very straightforward and not disruptive in terms of process but obviously has less chance of success.

So it’s not a given that ivf will work, depends how you react to the meds, how many eggs you produce in the cycle, how many are fertilised from that egg collection. A “cycle” is determined by how many egg collections you have so you could be lucky and get like 9 eggs, 5 fertilise and then you have 5 shots at transfer or you could get one egg that doesn’t fertilise and need to go for a new full cycle. Success rates run at around 33 percent at my clinic and I had 3 transfers to get a successful one but also had two cancelled because my body wasn’t reacting as expected to the meds, so it took 3 years all in. If you want to do ivf I would start it as soon as possible but know that it’s a rollercoaster

I think it’s very individual how you’ll feel during treatment. I did short protocol so it was just two weeks from the first injection to egg collection. My clinic was on my way to work and all appointments for scans were before 9am so it didn’t disturb my routine. I found it really manageable. I was also fortunate to not suffer any side effects. Can you arrange a consultation to see what your protocol will involve?

For DH and I our decision to go ahead was based on us having regrets if we never even tried. We were enjoying child free life but didn’t want to look back once it was too late and wish we had given it a go. We did put a limit on how much we would spend. We have DS now and feel extremely lucky with our lot so won’t be trying for a second. However I appreciate that you had different plans for your family so it’s harder to draw that line.

I did 2 full round to get my daughter I would love her to have a sibling but im not going thru that shite again.. it’s horrid
If I had 2 children I would definitely not do ivf for a 3rd I’d put my time and money into the 2 children I have not the child I may never have

Good luck with what you do x

I found the actual process of ivf fine but my god it messes with your head and my first cycle worked! It’s the hardest thing I’ve been been through and even now I have a dd it still plays on my mind what we went through to have her. As much as I would love a sibling for her I don’t think I could put myself through the process again.

In your position I would enjoy the two you already have and spend the money you would have to spend on them.

My DD is a result of first round of IVF, I didn't suffer to badly and have a frozen embryo to use. I've never had to face the disappointment of a failed round and truth be told I don't know how women put themselves through that emotional turmoil time and time again. We've decided we'll use our frozen embryo but then we won't be having another round if that fails as I'd rather spend my money making memories with the child I have rather than chasing the child I may never have. That being said if money was no object I might be tempted to try another round.

How comfortably could you afford it? Personally I didn't find I was affected hormonally by IVF although the stress of the process certainly got to me. Financially it was another matter though, we spent about 15k to have our daughter and that had a big impact on our quality of life, no holidays, penny pinching for a few years. No way would I have done it if I already had 2. But if it won't make a huge impact on your finances it could be worth one shot.

If I were you there’s a couple of things I would do.

If you haven’t already, have a read of “It Starts With The Egg” and consider adding COQ10 to your supplements.

Secondly I would have the preliminary tests done with the clinic (AMH etc) and get an idea of what your chances are for an IVF cycle. If drs thought there was a reasonable chance of success then I would consider doing a cycle.

I am 42 and we have one son together and he has stepbrothers from my husbands first marriage. We are just starting IVF. I think it's a completely individual decision and if you want to do it, your husband is supportive and the doctors think it has a chance of success then go for it.

We decided not to go for it. Definitely would have if I had zero or even one child but with two it felt wrong for me personally. I did however get a fab consultation with a private clinic and had one month of different drugs to see if that would help then I have closed the door

DH and I decided not to go through IVF, despite being offered up to 3 free NHS rounds.

Sadly we don't have any DC, but the process just isn't one I feel I could cope with.

The mental, emotional and physical trauma I've seen IVF cause isn't how I want to start a pregnancy, but I've had to make my peace with that meaning I may never be a Mum.

@OffForARun I'm so sorry. Are you talking to someone about it? Have you had any conclusions as to what is going on?

Thanks Sdra, no not seeking any support at the moment (not ruling it out though!).

We've had all the tests and I have low ovarian reserve, damaged tubes, I did have endometriosis but thankfully an operation last year cured it. But my endo symptoms were ignored for years and years by Drs and the endo had done so much damage.

DH also has borderline low sperm count so our chances of natural conception are minimal. It's just after everything I've been through medically (and I'm in a great place mental health wise after suffering PTSD) IVF just feels like way much too much to go through!

It's such a personal decision and theres no wrong or right; really hope it works out for you, best of luck and sending good vibes :)

@OffForARun is iui out? I'm not sure when it works best. It's far less invasive and I think can be good if sperm motility not great (though don't quote me!) I'm really sorry. It's incredibly hard. Hugs to you.

Unfortunately with my endo history, poor quality sperm and my damaged tubes we weren't accepted for IUI, only IVF. :(

But there's still a chance, albeit small, we could conceive naturally; definitely keeping hopeful and I'm very grateful for the things I do have in my life (especially my wonderful DH!) and mindful not to feel sorry for myself - though I have my moments!

How are you feeling about things now? Is it a relief to think IVF is not on the table, will you keep trying naturally?

I think we are going to stop now. I think it's time for me to try and accept it.