We are struggling

[Ajay1978]

Never signed up to this kind of thing first time. It’s Saturday night, 9pm, my wife’s gone to bed, we had a couple of drinks... ended early.. same thing lately. We can’t conceive as you would etc etc ...we talk then we don’t talk.. it’s hard for both of us, it’s hard for her because I know she doesn’t want to talk Sometimes because she’s worried about me.. same with with me.... elephant in the room sometimes.. I feel insecure, I feel like I’m not a man, we feel helpless, we feel like times running out.. we feel like no one understands.. I feel sad and like I have let my wife down. The nhs haven’t really been there for us.. covid has made it worse.. waiting for treatment to start.. I don’t really know why I’m here, I dunno, maybe I hope there are others out there in the same boat, I’m 42, my wife is 36.. we’re strong and always will be, this is our biggest test.

Hi Ajay1978, I'm so sorry to read how hard this is for you and your wife. You aren't alone; so many of us are having similar struggles and feelings, and it seems so much lonelier at the moment with all of the covid restrictions.

Try to hold on to the knowledge that your fertility struggles don't define you - they're part of your story but not the whole story. In my opinion, a real man has integrity, compassion and selflessness, who stands up for his family and for what is right and just. Society puts an emphasis on fertility as a marker of being "a real man" or "a real woman" but there's so much more of value in ourselves than that one aspect.

I wonder if you both might benefit from having a space to talk about your feelings, either individually or together. If so, some fertility clinics offer counselling, or you could look at accessing it through your GP or the Fertility Network?

Sometimes it can help as well to see if there are any steps you could be taking just now to improve your chances of success once fertility treatments are available to you. My husband and I were devastated when our treatment was cancelled due to covid and, possibly similarly to you, we felt that the clinic wasn't really there for us. Although we're still finding it really really hard, we've been using these past few months to optimise our lifestyle and build up our physical and emotional reserves - changing our diets, exercising more, reconnecting with our faith (not for everyone but if it works, it works), and researching treatment options for "next steps". It's helped us to feel a bit more in control and better prepared for what lies ahead. If your wife's interested, there's a book called 'It starts with an egg' which is widely recommended on here.

You aren't alone.

@Ajay1978

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Fertility issues are a real struggle and come with so much heartache. If I’ve come to appreciate anything by using these forums it is that I am not alone. You are not alone. So many people are going through similar situations.

I felt the same when we initially when to the nhs to discuss the issues we were having, if you are able I would recommend a private clinic appointment just to talk things though
and maybe get some advice and clarity around options/improving your chances. This doesn’t mean you have to commit to the clinic but could also get you and your wife talking. Ours cost £100.

You have communicated your feelings so well in your post. Fertility issues can make you feel like you’ve failed, but you absolutely haven’t.

Wishing you the best

Hi @Ajay1978
You are definitely not alone and you are in a right place. This forum made me to understand that others feel the same way as I do and I've learned so much from the ladies in here.

Same as you in our fertility journey I felt very insecure and I thought I'm failing as a woman and as a wife by not being able to give my husband a child. My husband is Italian and family means everything to him. But he told me once that he married me for me and not for a child. He made me to understand that he will do anything it takes, any treatments I want but if these fail its OK. We are still a family no matter if we have a child or not.

Make your wife laugh, bring some fun back to you marriage and don't let you fertility journey overtake your life. I know easier said than done but I'm talking from experience. If you do councelling make sure the councellour is fertility trained because I had a session with someone and he made me feel ten times worse.

I don't know how far are you in your testing but if you have the funds get some tests done in a private clinic this might speed up the Nhs process as well. Good luck to you both

@Ajay1978

My husband and I were like this at the beginning. We were both so lost and had a lot of problems communicating. Have you thought of couples counselling? It’s what we did and it helped so much.

In terms of waiting for the NHS, is there any chance you could go private? Have you done all your fertility testing? That could be done through the NHS to save on costs and then move private. I started my journey two years ago and the NHS were so slow and awful for me so decided to go private and not wait any longer. But as I had all my tests done through my GP I didn’t need to wait or spend any more money than the actual treatment.
Good luck, let us know how you get on or if you need any more advice!

Thanks everyone, it really is a great help to read of your experiences. I ended up showing my wife this post, it brought us a bit closer and helped us talk. We've been having counselling for over a year but stopped a short while ago. Create fertility are who we have been transferred to and we are just waiting to hear from them.

I wish you all well in your journeys, thank you for your help and kind words