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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Ivf conundrum

18 replies

Nanabelle1318 · 18/07/2020 21:50

I don't quite know where else to ask, or even how to start as this is a bit complicated.

Basically my husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage, supposedly conceived through IVF.

His ex wife has blocked his medical records from being released in the past and now we need them for ourselves to have a ivf.

She blocked dna testing to prove the donor was the father because we believe she cheated so she could get the child support money after they split but now it's causing a hindrance in us moving forward with IVF ourselves.

Has anyone ever come across this before? I haven't got the first clue where to start.

How can someone block another from seeing their private medical information? Been a non medical doctor for 10 years but I've never seen anything like this.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 23:19

Don’t the clinic have details of how the procedure was carried out (ie with donor sperm)? He is entitled under data protection legislation to see everything related to him. Sounds interesting enough though that you could get media interest to shame the hell out of her.

VenusStarr · 18/07/2020 23:27

I'm not sure what you mean by the children were supposedly concieved via ivf? It's quite a complex process and your partner would have been required to attend the clinic at certain points, what does your partner say about what happened?

With regards to medical history, its possible that the hospital notes are hers - so his sperm analysis details are in here notes as you're treated as a couple - my husband's are in my medical file, so he doesn't have a hospital record for my treatment, as I'm the patient, but obviously he needs to be involved, so they have certain details on my files relating to him, but I doubt he could request those without my permission. Who have you asked for the notes?

If you both are looking onto ivf now, you can visit a clinic for a consultation. Any medical test results need to be updated anyway - if his were done 10 years ago, they're not in date and would need to be redone.

Good luck.

LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 23:53

Not that it helps as any sort of reasonable suggestion but could you move to Scotland? As long as one partner doesn’t have a child then you are eligible for nhs ivf there.

ellenpartridge · 19/07/2020 07:56

If your partner's ex has had IVF with donor sperm I don't understand why you need those records for you and your partner to have IVF? You will need a new sperm analysis done anyway as standard and I can't see what else in the ex's notes would relate to the partner?

EarlGreyT · 19/07/2020 08:48

I’m really sorry to say it, but none of this makes any sense to me.

supposedly conceived through IVF. like a PP says it’s quite a complex process so your partner would have been required to attend at some point. Even if they used donor sperm, he’d have had to give sperm samples and the results and implications would have all been discussed with them as a couple before deciding to move onto donor sperm. Plus they’d have probably been required to attend a counselling session re the implication of using a donor before doing this. And your partner would likely have attended at least some of the scans/egg collection/embryo transfers.

His ex wife has blocked his medical records from being released in the past she can’t “block” his medical records from him. She can block her records from him though so if some of his results are in her file he would not be able to access them without her consent.

and now we need them for ourselves to have a ivf. if the results are historical they’d need to be repeated for you to have IVF anyway.

She blocked dna testing to prove the donor was the father I don’t really understand why this would be necessary-as I said above they’d have had a detailed discussion before deciding to use donor sperm. now it's causing a hindrance in us moving forward with IVF ourselves. Why would her refusing DNA testing hinder you going forward with IVF?

Your post isn’t very clear and without clarification I don’t think anyone here is going to be able to help you.

LouiseTrees · 19/07/2020 09:12

I reckon the issue is they think he has live kids right so they won’t give you nhs ivf for free? A lawyer could pick up this case. I don’t think it’s every been tested if you are the father but not actually the biological dad can you access a cycle again in ccgs that block after a live child for either partner. As i said Scotland doesn’t, if one partner doesn’t have a child then it’s fair game here.

EarlGreyT · 19/07/2020 11:59

@LouiseTrees
You might be right with that. Even if you are correct, lawyers fees are likely to be more expensive than a cycle of IVF (or whatever the CCGs entitlement is) and the process would be so slow that the OP might waste her remaining fertile years fighting a claim she has no guarantee of winning. (She states she has been a non medical doctor for 10 years so I am guessing she is in her mid 30s now)

MissHoney85 · 19/07/2020 13:02

I think there's a chance your husband is not being 100% truthful with you here. The story doesn't make sense at all. Are you suggesting that the children were conceived with donor sperm and therefore shouldn't be counted as his children so that you can be eligible for free rounds? If so I think that's extremely morally dubious.

Original poster

Nanabelle1318 · 19/07/2020 13:21

That is not what I'm suggesting. We don't want free anything, what I would like is my husbands medical history, from birth until now. Which is what he would also like, without his ex wifes signature to say he can look at his own details.

There is a strong possibility he's being 100% truthful as I wouldn't have written this if he wasn't, 3 months ago when we asked for his medical files we were told that his ex wife would have to consent to them all being released.

OP posts:

MissHoney85 · 19/07/2020 13:27

As others have said, the only details of his that would be in his wife's records would be his sperm analysis results, which he can easily get done again and in fact the clinic will need to do again. He will have needed to sign consent forms as part of the IVF process he went through previously, so nothing will have happened that he wasn't aware of or consented to.

LouiseTrees · 19/07/2020 14:18

OP I feel like this thread might make you feel worse now. Would you mind if I inboxed you some ideas?

EarlGreyT · 19/07/2020 14:21

what I would like is my husbands medical history, from birth until now. Which is what he would also like, without his ex wifes signature to say he can look at his own details.

when we asked for his medical files we were told that his ex wife would have to consent to them all being released.
If they are HIS files his ex wife can not consent to them being released or otherwise. If they are her files with some information about him in or joint medical files then she would have to consent for him to see them.

But I don’t understand how any of this would affect you having fertility treatment now anyway. He could get his medical history from birth from his GP.

None of this makes any sense to me. I still don’t understand why he and you think he needs his ex wife’s consent to access his own medical records? If you’re in the UK his wife can’t consent to this. Since you don’t seem to be able to explain this, I’m wondering whether he’s being entirely truthful with you.

Thereisalight7 · 19/07/2020 15:54

I don’t understand how your husband supposedly sleep walked his way through two successful ivf? My husband has to come in and sign a form with me witnessed by our consultant each time he gives a sample that will be used at egg collection. Does he not remember doing that? Why did they need ivf in the first place - why doesn’t he remember if his sperm count us low and that was the reason why? He had to have been there for that meeting??? It’s so bizarre he doesn’t know whether he had children via ivf...

And why do you need DNA testing? Did they use donor sperm?

Personally if myself and my DH end up using donor sperm I would be outraged if after agreeing to do that and for that to be the way we create our family he would turn round and claim they aren’t his just to get out of playing child support. That does not reflect well on him.

ChicaXS · 19/07/2020 17:58

Hey OP my advice is ;

You need to have an honest and frank conversation with your husband. Your a smart girl and everything so far sounds contradictory- I’m sure this was not on purpose by your husband but he does need to paint a clearer picture on wtf is going on because it sounds very confusing and you deserve honesty, respect and truth
You can forget about the past with a clear and mental state and if you and your husband really want children - you repeat the diagnostic tests and start afresh. Plucking a wound won’t do you any good for your mental health as IVF is mentally challenging so love you, put yourself first and embark this with a new beginning.

Wishing you luck and try and set yourself a new goal of ivf on your terms and no one else’s.

EarlGreyT · 19/07/2020 21:40

@Thereisalight7
Although none of this is in any way clear to me and I’m speculating. I was wondering whether what the OP means by this: She blocked dna testing to prove the donor was the father because we believe she cheated so she could get the child support money after they split Is that the purpose of the DNA test was to see whether the donor was the biological father as they are wondering whether the children are actually fathered by someone his ex wife cheated with and if that is the case then the OPs partner try not to pay child support. Rather than after using donor sperm to create their family he has turned round and tried to claim the children aren’t his to get out of paying child support.

Like I say I’m speculating and the whole thing as it reads is very bizarre.

MissHoney85 · 19/07/2020 21:54

@EarlGreyT Yes I wondered that, but having been through IVF I don't see how you could conceive naturally during a treatment cycle. Surely the husband would realise this having been through it himself. Another thing that rings alarm bells for me. All a bit odd but maybe there's an explanation. Sorry OP, I hope you get the answers you need.

Viletta · 19/07/2020 22:44

If she used donor sperm the clinic would still need his consent. I don't think she would be able to do this without it. Surely he would go in for sperm sample during IVF no clinic would pretend they are taking his sample but using donor. Both partners consent in a contract is required. Also he doesn't need old medical history to start IVF now. It's all outdated. In the info is in her file he can't have access to it as it's her personal data there too I suppose. I can see a point of him wanting to see historical data to see if his condition is same or getting worse, weird that hospital cannot release just this bit of info.

Thereisalight7 · 20/07/2020 11:47

I also agree you don’t need any old information. Things such as number of embryos etc are irrelevant as they have no bearing on how you both will do with ivf. Also as others said any male tests will be out of date. My DH have been very different even year in year. So if you want to do ivf go to a clinic. He can tell them he has a low sperm count. They’ll do tests on you and re do his tests and make a treatment plan.

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