Please or to access all these features

Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Religious relatives and infertility

1 reply

CoalTitCafe · 10/07/2020 17:40

This may be a niche issue, or maybe it's not.

DP and I have been TTC for 2 years now and I'm almost 30.

My DM is a very religious woman. She's devastated that I'm living in sin and refuse to get married.

Throughout my life whenever anything went wrong or I faced challenges I was told to pray, that it was god's plan and so on - there was a notable absence of any empathy or practical advice. Not just with me, but with anything in general. I am at the point now where I don't tell my family much about my life, just surface level, general updates as you would with an acquaintance.

Anyway. After some kind of internal battle my mother has concluded that it's time for me to have DC. This is overruling her view that I need to hurry up and get married. She thinks marriage is the thing to aim for in life at all costs, so this must have been difficult for her.

She called me on the phone, told me I was getting old and tried to negotiate a grandchild. She went at it from every angle: women must bear children, I have to give her a chance to prove what an amazing grandma she will be, she found pregnancy difficult when she was 30 and doesn't want me to suffer like she did, and of course, it's time for me to "grow up".

I tried side-stepping the conversation and giving general answers, eventually lost my temper and said it was none of her business - to which she replied that I was her child and my life was her business until she was in her grave. She has a flair for dramatics like that.

This was a couple of weeks ago. The conversation has affected me greatly because I would love nothing more than to be pregnant right now. But I can't tell her about the infertility issues DP and I are facing. I'm a very private person as it is, and besides that I know that I will get more lectures that God will give me a child when I pray/get married/repent my sins. Then of course the added pressure of people knowing that we're trying.

I don't really know how to proceed besides avoidance, which is my usual tactic.

If anyone has any experience or advice in similar situations I'd love to hear it.

OP posts:
LongerthanMrTicklesArms · 10/07/2020 18:19

Oh you poor thing OP, that is a lot to cope with.
I'm guessing you're an only child or the eldest if the pressure is on you alone to produce a grandchild?

I think you might get advice on the Relationships board about the general dynamic but this is your life not hers, you don't 'owe' her anything, least of all a child.

I have a very religious mother (Catholic) and praying is the answer to everything.
The Catholic Church is against IVF but she was happy to overlook that when my sibling needed IVF.
I haven't told her I need it because honestly seeing how much she made it her business there's no way I want that level of involvement. Plus when it worked it was of course all thanks to the prayers.

On a practical level you should ask for a referral for fertility tests or book a consultation with a private clinic, there could be something straightforward or identifiable with one or both of you preventing you from conceiving.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page