How to respond to a friend who is pregnant with their 3rd

[Youngatheart00]

Just that really.

Received a group message tonight (small group, once close friends but now all drifted in our own directions but have several ‘anchor’ events per year together).

Friend in question knows my fertility struggles and multiple failed IVF. How can it be she effortlessly has 3 kids and I can’t even manage to get and stay pregnant at all.

IABU not to respond at all? I’m sure at some point she’ll follow up with me directly. I just have nothing to say. I don’t want to congratulate her

Oh that sucks big time doesn't it.
Has happened to me quite a lot, and one friend who went on about 'he only has to look at me and I'm pregnant' I've basically phased out (she's still good friends with my husband, they work together so no big loss to me but could be different if our friendship was more important to me). She said this in front of another friend who she knew had had IVF and miscarriages but who does have a baby now.
At the end of the day it's lovely for them but hurtful in our position, and a bit of sensitivity could help.

You need to do whatever is best for you.
If that means not replying then that's fine, but if she will "question" you which could find difficult then in a few days if you can muster up a congratulations and leave it at that I'd do that.
It depends a bit how close you are (and hope to remain).

Also you say it's a group message, if the others all reply and you don't that could also be awkward.
Not saying that to pressure you to reply, just saying it as another thing to consider.

There will probably be somebody wiser than me along soon.

Although it sucks Youngatheart00 please don't alienate yourself from your friends. Despite your hurt I'd muster up the courage/resolve to just reply "Congrats!" If you do get pregnant in future you'll want to have people to share that experience with and not harbour guilt that you didn't at least try to show support for them at the right time. Good luck with your next treatment. I hope you get lucky this year x

Thanks both for responses. I obviously don’t wish her or baby ill in any way whatsoever, I just don’t find it happy news either, it causes a deep resentment within me.

Others have all replied now so I’m conspicuous by my lack of response but I still think it was insensitive of her to dump it in the group like that, knowing my situation.

Decided I’m not going to reply and if she follows up separately I’ll just apologise and say I’ve been so busy with work (true) it totally passed me by, but congrats, obv. It’ll sound a bit cold but I’m afraid that’s how I feel.

I would grin and bear it and just type “congratulations” then send it. It get dh to. Once it’s done you won’t be worrying about her thinking about your lack of response. I totally get where you are. My friends and family have had over fifty children while I’ve had none.

For your own mental state it’s better to send something then turn the notifications off on the chat.

Sorry that should say “or get dh to send the message”.

It's really hard @Youngatheart00 ❤️ I had something similar with a friend who knows we'd lost 2 babies and have been struggling to ttc and she announced on Instagram with a cutesy pic - we've been ttc longer than she's been with her boyfriend. I felt the same and I wasn't going acknowledge it. I did go back on the next day and just posted a congratulations message, then muted her.

I'd be inclined just to post a ♥ in the chat and then mute the group. Do what you need to do to protect your heart xx

Hi @Youngatheart00
Do whatever your heart says, obviously she is not a close friend so not a big loss if you don't keep in touch. I don't understand these big announcements anyway who cares? Do whatever makes you happy.

It’s so so difficult to see announcements like that. Hope you’re doing okay x

After loosing two babies and still very much in the midst of hopelessness, I totally understand where you are coming from.

What I have realised is that even people you are close with that know of your struggles will never fully ‘get it’ unless they’ve been there. After I lost my first baby and returned to work, my boss who knew everything that I had just been through, excitedly showed me a full 12 month photo calendar of her two kids. Having to give the correct responses of “aww” and “they’re so cute” nearly killed me.

I think the choice you have made is the right one. After recently loosing my 2nd baby, I have actually left a few group chats and have blocked a few people at the moment and feel massive relief knowing I can’t be contacted by certain folk. Sounds harsh but sometimes we need to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and keep going.

Wishing you all the best x

Thanks all for your kind and thoughtful responses. I really don’t want to be a ‘bad friend’ but I also know I need to take care of my own mental health. This isn’t just in the midst of fertility treatment, there’s a very real chance (and most probable) we will have to make peace with a child free life after 7 years and a horrific amount of cash spent in pursuit of a family.

There is a terrible feeling of being left behind but you’re right, I don’t want to alienate myself and be left with no friends. I have congratulated her. I just wish people would be a little more sensitive

You've done the right thing OP. It must have been hard but it's done now. She'll never know how you feel. However the sting will wear off. 7 years is a long time to grieve the prospect of children. You have my sympathy. Be kind to yourself x

Thank you so much @chat x

Personally I would and have faked it, responded congrats and put the phone away. Because while it hurts, it's not her fault you can't/haven't yet gotten pregnant.
I prefer to get a txt in a group, so I have time to compose myself than getting a call, or worse being told face to face.

The op did say congratulations @sillysmiles. It’s there in her most recent post.

@Youngatheart00, I'm not sure how I missed your last post. But I totally understand how you feel, I'm at that stage too.
But I'm not sure what else our friends can do, or how more sensitive they can be, when announcing something that is incredibly happy news for them and deeply sad news for us.
As I said, I prefer a group txt so that I can hide it. Maybe she thought it was more sensitive to do it that way. There really isn't a "right" way in imo.
Making peace with a future you didn't want is shit!

@PurpleDaisies, cross posted, not sure how I missed it originally.

Thanks @sillysmiles and no worries re missing the post. I did congratulate, you’re right, my friend isn’t doing anything wrong. I’m just, card on the table, not happy for her. If that sounds cruel, so be it, I just can’t feel happiness for someone else having something in such abundance that I can’t have even a tiny bit of. A first baby is one thing. A sibling hmm ok it hurts. A third, just f*ck off.

It’s awful when it’s a choice of being fake (which I ultimately was by saying congratulations) or losing all of my friends (an exaggeration but not much of one).

I know I sound angry and bitter. I am, this isolating disease of infertility is to blame.

Hi OP
I know how you feel. Recently I had a unusually high number of pregnancies in my social circle including my sister and two closest friends. It made me feel that my support network was swept from under me. Although on one level I’m happy for them I also no longer enjoy being around them. I realised I needed some new friends who were also dealing with infertility and joined a couple of groups shortly before lockdown. It’s not all about talking about infertility it’s just nice to know people ‘get it’ and can offer support.

Oh @Youngatheart00 I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this and 100% empathise! Same to the posters and reading replies where we somehow unfortunately are in the same boat feels like this place is only the safest place to be when your bombed with another pregnancy announcement..

My SIL has just had her wee boy..not only did we get the original pregnancy announcement on FaceTime, private message for the sex of the baby then countless updates about how ‘blessed’ she is on Facebook! So now we’re looking forward (check my sarcasm here) to daily updates on the nephew - Argh!! Now my little sis has told me she’s pregnant (with her third too) and just shocked as they weren’t trying. FFS!

Mum has had a telling off from me a lot lately as she keeps going on about her ‘blessings’ at being a gran 8 times over now. I’m quick to bite that God must’ve ran out of blessings when I came along then and not her or anyone’s fault - I’ve just got bitter and jealous at the dog sh#t situation were in..8 yrs TTC x2 miscarriages and I’m shy of hitting 40.

In response to your question - do whatever makes you feel ok, like / comment or don’t do anything. They would only get it if they’ve been through it like other posters have said.

Hope your ok & your feeling better soon x

The ones that find it easy to get pregnant can be such thoughtless bitches sometimes.

I have found this thread interesting. We had a weird year in 2016 when 5 of our friends and family members unfortunately had miscarriages. We felt quite nervous about it when we got pregnant and also didn't know how to break the news to anyone as so many happened during our early stages. We ended up keeping it to ourselves for 16 weeks until I started to show.

One of my closest friends, who had unfortunately lost her second child in the early stages, figured out I was pregnant and sent me a very accusatory message giving me all the evidence she had put together to work out that I was pregnant and demanding to know if she was right. At the time, I found this really insensitive as we were only 10 weeks gone and I ignored the message, and then responded once we had told people to confirm I was. She never spoke to me again.

Another friend walked out when we told the couple we were expecting. She never spoke to us again (but she also left her husband after that who we remain friends with). He later told us we should have pre warned them about our news. My husband at the time was shocked by this saying that we thought we were sharing good news, and were not expecting this sort of reaction.

Obvsiouly older and wiser now, and even more exposed to people going through painful infertility cycles which is why I am in these forums. I now feel that if we were to be lucky enough to conceive again, I would not really know how to tell people that I know were going through the pain that a lot of people on here are experiencing right now. Having had one friend cut me off, seemingly because I got pregnant at all, and another never speak to me again I hate the thought that what is amazing news to us is terrible news to others.

I still feel that these particular reactions were over the top, but I guess I would like to understand what I could have or should have done to handle the situation better. Have any of you reacted this way to a friend, and what could they have done to make it easier for you?

@SkiddySkidz I would say to tell people by text, maybe over the phone but only if you're clued up enough about their circumstances to know they will be ok. It's very complex, I'm so happy for my friends when they fall pregnant but battling fertility is a constant rollercoaster between hope and utter despair and it can be very painful to be reminded of what you can't have. I'd have found it really difficult to have the news sprung on me face to face. I'm constantly on guard for baby talk as it is because sometimes I can't stop myself breaking down. Text allows them time to process and get back to you when they feel able. That might not be straight away.

Really interesting to hear your perspectives @skid and thank you for sharing.

You’re not doing anything wrong, it sounds like you have dealt with things as sensitively as you could. It just so happens that others were going through very tough times in parallel.

I think your ‘friends’ you describe above overreacted - do you know whether they have gone on to have children or not?

I simply can’t do that as tbh I’d have no friends left. The vast majority of my friendship group across numerous circles now have children or are pregnant. It hurts but I have to put on a brave face. But deep down, I’m not happy for them. I don’t wish them ill, of course I don’t, but I can’t feel joy. Especially with child number 2, 3, 4 etc. But I wouldn’t cut someone out of my life for being pregnant / having a baby, unless the friendship was on its last legs anyway or I was told really insensitively.

@Eggling thanks for your thoughts, you are right that a text would have been better in the instance with the couple. And yes @Youngatheart00 an overreaction perhaps - she also stopped speaking to her sister for the same reason and refused to meet her niece. She is long out of our life now as she had an affair and left her husband but I believe she is settled with children now.

My other friend did also go on to have children. The strange thing was we were so close that I was about to tell her, and only her, my news, and then she told me her terrible news first, so it didnt feel appropriate. When she got angry with me because she figured it out, part of me thought I should have told her that day, but I didnt because of what she was going through. Unfortunately timing pushed us apart during the most difficult times in our life, as I was suffering with hyperemesis while she was mourning her loss. We weren't there for each other, I knew why she wasnt there for me but perhaps she didnt know why I wasnt there for her. Its regrettable, but again I probably over thought everything and need to listen to my gut about these things.

Thanks for your considerate and understanding replies and helping me see things in a different way. I feel a lot of anger and frustration that people close to me are going through the pain and loss of infertility and I feel helpless to do anything. I am sorry for the endless pain and uncomfortable moments like our discussion today you have to go through. I wish you luck with your journey.