Husband keen to try naturally, I want IVF again - opinions

[Gabbbbbbby]

Hoping to canvass opinions on how to navigate conversation with my husband. Bit of background: after trying for a year and 2 early miscarriages we got fertility tests and found out DH has VERY poor morphology. My tests all fine, I was 29, now 30. He did all the lifestyle change stuff which didn't make a difference (in fact it got worse) so we ended up doing icsi treatment which was successful first time and we have a lovely 7 month old son.

I decided not to go on any contraception after giving birth, and though not trying fell pregnant last month, found out 2 weeks ago and am fresh out of another very early miscarriage.

I now have an overwhelming feeling I just don't want to fall pregnant naturally again, I just think it will end in miscarriage again. Our consultant said she couldn't say for sure, but as my fertility is good she said it was likely abnormal sperm were fertilising the egg and then resulting in early miscarriage because the embryo was abnormal. We have 27 good quality blastocyst embryos frozen, so hopefully some will thaw successfully, and I didn't find the embryo transfer and medicated two week wait too stressful. I feel that I put so much work in to the IVF treatment I don't want it to go to waste!

Obviously early miscarriage isn't as traumatic as something further down the line, I understand that, but it's still not nice and I feel like now, if I find out I'm pregnant again naturally I'll just be so anxious and expect it to end in a few weeks. I'd rather not. But my husband doesn't agree and would rather keep trying naturally, at least for a while. (Regardless, we will use protection for about 6 months now as I want a bigger gap!!)

Sorry for the essay, I'm thinking aloud really. I'd be interested to see what other people think, or if anyone's been in a similar situation...

I think your husband is being very unfair here. You are the person who is going through these miscarriages and they are taking a toll on your body. I am amazed to hear you have so many good quality embryos - and the procedure for FETis not anywhere near as tough as a full IVF cycle. I don’t see why you wouldn’t go down the route that is easiest for you as the person who has to carry the baby and suffer consequences of miscarriages.

It could be worth teasing out why he feels this way - is it money paying for FET or is it linked to male ego wanting a natural conception as the issue is male factor? Neither are acceptable reasons imo.

I haven’t been in a similar situation but as we are going through IVF ourselves my husband has put me first and foremost. We both want more than one child so we are already planning to be back at the clinic ASAP if we’re lucky enough to have one to try again for number 2. Personally we don’t see the point in waiting around for natural conception - we only care about having our babies. We also have male factor issues.

Well a FET is a lot easier than the whole ICSI procedure and, although it’s a stressful 2ww, with 27 good quality FE I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to attempt using them.

It would be a lot less traumatic for you than repeated early miscarriage and it’s very unfair of him to expect you to suffer the emotional and physical consequences of mc just so he can-what-prove his virility?

Have you told him everything you have written in your op?

Thanks for your reply @Maestro7, you echo my feelings exactly. It's just not the same for him when I miscarry, he doesn't quite understand how it feels. He just keeps saying 'just imagine it's a late period', which doesn't feel helpful to me.

I have polycystic ovaries (but not pcos) and my ovaries responded very well to the medication which is why we got so many embryos. I think they retrieved 34 eggs It was obviously so gruelling going through that whole process and I don't want to throw it all away. As you said, I envisage FET will be much less physically and emotionally demanding.

I think it's all tied up with male ego stuff. We are fine for money, it's definitely not that. I find myself wishing it was my fertility causing issues so we wouldn't even have to be having the conversation. I'm giving him a bad rep here, he was wonderful during the IVF process and has been the best new father I could imagine. This is just silly male pride clouding his judgement I think...

Good luck with your cycle, it sounds like you've got a wonderful supportive partner.

@Idododoidadada thanks for your reply! We started to have the conversation last night, and he did listen to what I was saying but then kind of closes it off, agreeing that it's basically up to me but making it clear that he feels hurt by the implication that I think it's his 'fault' - which is not how I feel at all. I don't blame him, I just think we have a medical situation which makes it likely this will keep happening, and a great other option open to us to avoid the physical and emotional pain for me.
Urgh, men!! 😂

I would have zero tolerance for this if it’s tied up in male ego. Maybe sit him down and say he can tell you to imagine/pretend the miscarriage is anything he likes but you are telling him it upsets you, it gives you anxiety about future pregnancies and it also wouldn’t be healthy for you to block it out and pretend it’s not happening when it is.

Ask him is it worth it to him to put you through all that emotional and physical turmoil And give you anxiety about being pregnant as he wants to prove that he can conceive naturally - with no guarantees that it will ever work. Is it acceptable to him to put you through that for his own gratification.

It sounds like you've told him how you feel and he has had a chance to reply about his own feelings. Your age won't matter when it comes to FETs and you want to space out your pregnancies anyway so why not compromise by saying you'll use contraception until you're baby is such and such age then discuss it again nearer the time? Sounds like emotions are a bit delicate at the moment and it's best to drop it for a while. Also sounds like when the time comes he'll agree to do the FET. Good luck and enjoy that little one of yours. Babies are little miracles aren't they?