Knowing when to stop

[slimecentury]

Hello
How did you know when to stop trying and how did you deal or cope with it?
I am very lucky in that I do have two children. I have been trying for 18 months now for a third no joy. My thyroid is a bit high and I am trying to get it lower but in that time I am now 40 and we are in a global pandemic! My husband is getting cold feet too as our two older ones are out of nappies etc now so feels it would be very hard going back now if we did get lucky.
Anyway I'm after some advice on how you knew when to stop trying and try to move on and how you coped and dealt with not having another baby 😢

I have no advice to offer but I’m following responses...

I can't accept giving up. Been trying 3 years now with 2 MC and a stillbirth at the end of it. Now 43 so going for donor egg, as I can't give up yet, but I know chances are getting lower by the day.

@Cleozeta I'm so sorry. It's like a door that just won't close. Do you know what the issues might be?

I've been in tears most of last night and this am. I'm not sure I want to give up either but I think my husband has had enough. I feel bereft and stupid for feeling like that.

I don't think you need to give up, you still have time. 40 is still ok!

Sadly it hasn't worked for me so far, but I do have low AMH and high FSH, so as well as low egg supply, they are low quality. I believe that is what caused the misscarriages. The stillbirth is very recent so we are still waiting on post mortem results. There was nothing obviously wrong, but at 43 chances are so much lower of success than 42.

Don't give up yet, at 40 you may still make it. Maybe try talking to your husband, let him know how important this is to you. The want does not go away

I had this precise conversation with DH this morning – you are not stupid for how you're feeling, @slimecentury. I don't know if I can do this anymore either. Infertility feels like battling a disease there's no cure for: it doesn't matter how hard you try, what medical interventions you do, how focused you are on your goal, what woo treatments / old wives' tales you follow, nothing changes, nothing makes any difference. I don't want to spend another 2.5 years staring at pg tests hoping for a line which never comes, or which comes and then a week later has faded away. I don't want to pump myself full of drugs anymore. I can't have my head so full of something with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm sure it's no easier if you already have children: infertility fucking BLOWS whichever way you look at it and I'm really sorry you're going through this too

I feel so torn and conflicted. Usual head versus heart. Logically I know a third would be exhausting, I'd lose my freedom again for a short period, wed be spending more money, have less time for other two or each other. I have struggled a bit with motherhood but it's complex. I had pnd after my first but not my second. My issues are more wrapped up with leaving London as well as the monotony of motherhood. But, but... my children bring me so much joy. I adore them. I love having my children and I enjoyed the baby part second time around and I go onto it knowing it won't be an easy ride having three. It actually makes me more inclined to keep trying as I know I'm not doing it just for the baby part as it's that I would love a large family not just another baby. My heart just wants another child. Simple as that regardless of all the negatives and drudgery and hard work and loss of sleep and freedom etc. But it doesn't appear to be happening and now my husband has concluded that he's not sure he can cope with a third. I do find it hard to be positive at times and have had a couple of courses of CBT to try and reframe things when it gets dark so perhaps this is a good time to try and dig deep. Again I am truly sorry to anyone else who suffered this heartbreak - especially stillbirth. Cruel and unjust world. Unmumsnetty/covidy hugs.

I think reframing it as deciding to move on target than giving up is helpful. It’s a positive choice to make, especially when you have two children you can focus on.

Perhaps some joint counselling for you and your dh could help you decide what to do next.

I don’t know where the word “target” came from! That should be “rather”.

Thanks, and good luck to you. It's such a long, stressful journey for some. Sadly, often those who want it the most.