Wobble.. Almost 42..just been reading success rates..

[LouScot]

Hi all, I'm single, almost 42 and absolutely desperate to get pregnant - have ended previous relationships as its so important to me, and realistically won't meet anyone and have time to get to know them and fall pregnant naturally, assuming I even could. I'd finally decided to go down the donor route ivf option but somehow I'd managed to convince myself that the odds were higher than they are.. Some sites quote 9%.. I'm really sorry for posting on here as having lurked for a long time many of you have been through so much. Having a baby and being a mum has literally been the only thing I've thought of for at least 8 years. I'm trying not to beat myself up with why on earth I didn't do something about it before when its so important to me. I'm also overweight which further reduces my chances, have been trying to lose it for years so focusing on trying to eat healthier now.

I'm really low tonight so just wondered if anyone had any wise words. I know many of you have been through worse, so apologies if I'm being insensitive, I'm just crying myself to sleep about it all the time and it's hell

Sorry I mean sperm donor. I don't think I'd be able to get my head round egg donor at this point x

Hi Lou, there is a Donor Conception topic
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception

You'd need to find a clinic and have some initial tests, you're right that the odds aren't high but after speaking to a few clinics you might decide it's worth a chance. They may also be able to recommend counsellors.

You could look on websites of clinics, this coming week they will probably be busy applying to the HFEA to start treatment again but no harm in making enquiries.

Thanks @jenebaguette

@louscott

Unfortunately you do need to be realistic about success rates with IVF at your age and with your own eggs. They are only around 3% at this point - those that quote 9% are usually overstating the odds - donor eggs would have higher chance of success but I do think there is a lot of mental health ramifications for a child who has no genetic link to either of their parents when it's not an adoption situation so you would need to think really carefully before going that route

I think you need to really concentrate on your weight and health at this point as you don't want to it all that money for IVF and not give it the best shot possible

Success rates are rubbish but it's not impossible x

Thanks. 3% is even worse than I'd thought. I've contacted a couple of clinics but obviously they're not working as normal yet (in Scotland so have less options than if I lived eg in London). Will just have to wait and see. Appreciate your reply, just wish I hadn't left it so late.

@LouScot
The positives for you are that you haven’t tried naturally for a number of years and failed to conceive so your fertility may be higher than average - you just don’t know. As other posters have said - the odds are not great with your own eggs at your age (am 41 myself and OE has not worked for me). Donor eggs are likely to significantly increase your chances but are not for everyone. If you can afford it maybe you should give it a go once or twice with your OE just so you don’t have regrets at not trying. I recently had counselling to help me move towards DE and found it really helpful - you may find chatting with someone outside your friends and family helpful when exploring what route to take. Good luck x

Thanks @greygoose1980. I've had an amh test which was "normal for age" although apparently a fairly lowish antral follicle count - this was 18 months ago but stupidly didn't do anything about it. I guess I'll just have to see, I agree I'd rather try and fail than not try.. Hope things go well for you x

Hi Louscot,
I am in your boat except a few months older. I had frozen eggs at 34 and clinic destroyed them (US) and found myself at 42 with no insurance policy. You need to start soonish. I looked at HFEA stats and decided to go with CRGH whose rates for 40-42 year olds are in the 25% live births per cycle. (Note HFEA does not report for that age group as there are too few patients but you can request the stats from the clinic). Ignore pregnancy rates, focus on live birth rates. These stats may be driven by younger patients i.e. more 40 yr olds but you don't know so better be hopeful than not.

The first thing you need to do is to select a sperm donor (this took me a long time) and I am importing my sperm from the US - California Cryobank which has lower family limit - 25 worldwide, whereas most UK clinics use European sperm bank which doesn't seem to have a family limit worldwide even though the UK has a 10 fam limit. IT is more expensive to import sperm - you need to pay customes fees! but CCB has also adult pictures of donors and genetic info etc. Right now they have a free subscription so you can view all donor information.

If you are considering becoming a single mom check out choicemoms.org (free) and singlemothersbychoice.org (need to subscribe). Counseling might help, there are dedicated donor conception counselors. If you go to the crgh.co.uk conselors list you can see a list. There might be others as well. These days this is not an odd choice, plenty of women are doing it.

There is also nothing wrong with having a donor egg/donor sperm or donor embryo child. Family is made by love not by genes. Kids seem to be well adapted to all kinds of loving families (there is plenty of research on this). It is not the ideal kind of family but how many have ideal - divorce is common these days, blended families are common and you seem to have so much love to give.

Good luck and follow your dreams. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Sounds like some great advice for OP melinab. Why on earth would they have destroyed your eggs? US healthcare is money hungry so I'm guessing you missed egg storage payment. Ethically wrong in my opinion unless a patient gives the ok or its been 10 years and no contact...

Hi @LouScot, I understand how you feel because I've chosen to be a single parent too. I've done IUI and my success is much higher than average. Keep in mind that most people going through IVF have fertility issues and this tends to skew the statistics. Your odds are most likely higher than 3% - although there is no denying that your age is an important factor and you should be ready to try at least several cycles to have a chance to conceive.

I'm younger than you but it took me only 2 unmedicated IUI cycles to have my son. It took 4 cycles (including a miscarriage) for my second son. I'm glad I didn't find out until later that success rates are something like 5-10% for this kind of treatment ! I might have given up before I tried and I can't imagine not having my sons now (even though DS2 is only 3 weeks old and not sleeping !)

Also, whether it works or not, I sincerely think it is easier to be at peace with the outcome if you've done all you reasonably could. Then you can tell yourself that you tried but it wasn't meant to be. If you don't try you might blame yourself for not taking a chance. You're already blaming yourself for not doing something earlier, how much will you blame yourself if you don't try at all ? (for what it's worth I don't think you should blame yourself at all but the reality is you probably will !)

My advice is, don't waste anymore time blaming yourself and feeling crap about your situation. Go for it.

Agree focus and ask on live birth from
Clinics

Abroad may be better and cheaper but also scary going there alone

Once preg they count that In their success numbers even If then have Mc or stillborn etx