Hearing 'At least' makes me so mad

[NRW39]

So, I'm 41 next month. I've been on this journey for what seems like a lifetime.

My 5th cycle (first FET) was cancelled mid treatment in March due to Corona. I've had 2 miscarriages; the last one being 3 weeks before Christmas last year; and I've had 2 failed cycles. I've had a very hard time emotionally, and some days I wonder how I'm still standing.

Me and a good friend of mine have been messaging eachother today- she has a 2 year old and a baby on the way. Today, she dropped an 'at least' on me, which made my stomach drop. She said,
'At least you can read a book, and do things for yourself or even have a nap'. Wait. What?

I would do anything in the world to be trapped in the house with my 2 year old child or trapped in the house with a baby on the way. I can't believe she's said that.

I'm not irrational and I know there is no malice whatsoever in her words, but I still find it insensitive. The implication being that I'm lucky'. I don't bloody feel it.

I'm pre menstrual as well, so I understand my emotions might be heightened, but this has still hurt me today. I haven't responded to the message , and I don't think i will.

I just wanted to offload. Thanks for listening.

No malice but a whole heap of thoughtlessness!
What a consolation prize! It is annoying, but unfortunately seems to be par for the course.
I can't help constructively, sorry, but I have some idea how those words sting 💐

@JeNeBaguetteRien
Thank you! X

This is my pet hate! I got an “at least you’re not pregnant now when it’s so worrying” on another thread. I would kill to be pregnant right now.

At least that thread got deleted...

People just don’t understand and I’m starting to think they just can’t - when showing my best friend my new sitting room coffee table she said oh you’re so lucky my coffee table is covered in toys and kids stuff.... this is her knowing we’ve had 3 years of trying and one failed ivf. She is the best in the work aside from this where she is beyond clueless

For me personally I'd much rather be pregnant and worried than not pregnant and with no prospect for many months.
I know that some would feel differently but arghh at the insensitivity Purple

NRW I'm also 40 and many years of infertility under my belt.

@PurpleDaisies Wow! What a thing to say...

I guess people are trying to be positive and "look on the brightside". Like you say, there's no malice; people just have no comprehension of what infertility is like at all.

A couple of people have said to me in the past "you'll understand when you've got kids". Well I'm 26 weeks pregnant now after over a decade of infertility but I suspect I've always understood motherhood better than most mothers understand infertility!

And I have seen some people complaining about being pregnant during these times. They're perfectly entitled to. They don't realise how precious pregnancy is to others. Personally, as I'm sure you ladies understand, I'll never think my pregnancy would have been better delayed. My first thought when pandemic hit was for all the ladies whose treatments have stopped and gratitude that I got mine in time.

I hope all of you who were having treatment can get back to it soon

Talking about how glad you are you were lucky enough to have your treatment before this is a bit insensitive shmabel. I’m glad it worked out for you but I’m not sure the baby bomb on this thread is much appreciated.

I hate any platitude starting “at least....” it is almost certainly going to make the recipient of the comment feel worse. And the at least is always something very minor (lie in/holiday etc etc) which does not compensate in the slightest for being infertile.

The only “at least” statements which ever made me feel even the slightest bit better were the ones I consoled myself with after failed IVF which were “at least it’s not an ectopic” or “at least it’s negative now, rather than a positive now which I get my hopes up about and which then ends in a miscarriage”. I would never throw these statements as advice to anyone other than myself though.

The at least statements other people say are trite and lack the slightest understanding of what it is like to be infertile.

@PurpleDaisies there also seem to be a load of posters around at the moment going on about how “it’s selfish to try and become pregnant now”

Im sorry if i hurt your feelings @purpledaisies. My point was more that I understand the feeling having been through it. But I guess we're all different- I always liked hearing success stories from someone who had been through years of infertility and I do think what I said was very relevant to the post.

I take your point though and I'm sorry to anyone else who was upset by my story

Agree - hate anything that starts ‘at least’ - Am currently being bombarded by baby bombs in RL so need this group. Sending us all .