Cruel Choice

[wilkin]

I was single for the last 20 years due to my weight and I wouldn’t let a man near me. I’m 45 now.
2 years ago I lost 7.5 stone and feel amazing.
Unfortunately I suffer with endometriosis and last year got diagnosed with stage 4.
I met a man and we both wanted children at that time.
I had some tests done and found that my endo is so bad that the likelihood of me conceiving naturally with my age as a factor as well was 1%. I was told I might have a slightly higher chance by IVF using donor eggs but even then I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
I was devastated, half beating myself up for not losing my weight earlier and half for not being diagnosed with this disease earlier as I think I had it through my teenage years.
The relationship I was in broke down in the end because my partner decided he wanted different things to me.
I’ve recently met somebody really lovely and he straight up told me he didn’t want kids as he already has 2 kids in their 20’s.
My question is do I carry on chasing this children dream knowing that my chances are so low or do I just enjoy my new partner’s love and company. I’ve never even tried to conceive and just feel a bit cheated not knowing what could have been? The trouble is if I leave him for somebody who does want children I may not be able to fulfill their dream either? I’m in such a state about it.

Sorry you're feeling sad OP. Sounds like a difficult time for you. I think it's too late for biological children I'm afraid. If it were me I would ask current partner if he'd consider supporting you to adopt. If he wouldn't and you really want to be a mum to some lucky child you could say you need to see other people and hope to find someone who wants the same thing as you. Being a mum is an incredible experience and still entirely possible so it's just down to want you feel you need deep down. Good luck x

Hi OP
It does sound like your chances of ivf with your own eggs may be low (I say that as someone whose ivf with their own eggs hasn’t worked). However plenty of ladies do get pregnant at 45 with donor eggs (and some still may with their own eggs). If Donor eggs is something you could consider then I think it is important to make sure you have fully considered this before committing to someone who definitely does not want children. Likewise if adoption is a route you would consider then again do explore this fully. Don’t see your current relationship as your only chance of a great partnership as you have plenty of time to find a new man to parent with you if you want this. Perhaps counselling may help you decide what is best for you.

Thank you! Sadly my new partner doesn't want more children as he already has young adults now. I knew that from the offset though and we talk about enjoying the finer things in life and nice holidays.
Obviously being loved by somebody is so important to me after the run of bad men that I've dated over the last 2 years. A good one is hard to find.
I know my chances of conceiving through natural or ivf are so slim that I don't know whether I want to put myself through the emotional process of trying and failing with somebody else lovely that I might never find or whether I should just cut my losses and live a beautiful life.
Obviously I will always be sad about what might have been but I guess time will heal.

I agree with pp that counseling is a good idea to work things out in your head. I've learned that life is full of tough choices and disappointment but also full of joy and wonder. Good luck with whatever you choose wilkin.

Thanks ChatWithMe x
You're right, I probably do need to speak to a counsellor as one minute I'm full of tears and the next full of joy. Too much time to think about things at the moment.
But this is good, I'm personally dealing with the issue. When we come out of lockdown I'll source some counselling sessions.