So scared and confused

[Presh12345]

So I am currently on day 7 of stims for ICSI. I am absolutely petrified about the whole process. I am dreading egg collection as I am afraid that I won't waken from the anesthetic, I am afraid of bleeding, I am afraid of puncturing my bowel as my right ovary is hiding, I am afraid of DVT before and after it all as I had it 18 years ago. I have myself wound up into a complete state.

I am also wondering if parenthood is for me. It was all I ever wanted but now, after a MMC 3 years ago, no luck since, 3 failed IUI's, maybe it was just meant to be. My husband is older, at 64, is it fair to put him through the dramas of parenthood again? Should he not be settling down to retirement? We have a wonderful life together and am I being selfish by wanting this?

I am so confused and scared

Can you find a way of calming your anxiety? All of the things you've mentioned are perfectly normal to be worried about because they're all possible and most painful. Being overly worried about them though is not helpful for you though. I use an app called mindful IVF to ground myself as stress reduced the chances of the IVF working apparently.

They punctured me on my last EC and the only consequences were that I had to take antibiotics for 7 days and couldn't do a fresh transfer. It wasn't that bad.

With respect to worrying about whether you even want a child, there isn't a day that goes by (and I've been having IVF for nearly 2 years) where I don't wonder the same thing and some days almost talk myself out of it.

It's normal to be anxious and scared, but to make this process more bearable for yourself it will probably help if you can find a way to manage some of the anxiety

@Presh12345
It's completely natural to be fearful: it's the unknown, but trust me; it is not as bad as you imagine.

I was very anxious and scared during my first retrieval- there was alot of tears on the day. The nurses have always been wonderful with me during retrieval. Kind and soothing. I've been through 4 cycles and currently going through my 5th.

For now maybe just focus on the stimming part of the process. And take each part as it comes. If you think of the process as a whole at this stage you just get overwhelmed, and it can take over.

Talking, and hearing other peoples experiences is helpful. So keep doing that.

I hope this helps...

Warm wishes x

Ps. I too have downloaded the Mindful IVF app. It's worth checking it out.

I am getting all wound up about everything and cant seem to calm myself. I have the mindful ivf app and have tried it a few times but cant get into it. Currently lying here fretting ad my heart rate is 103 and I feel nauseous and scared I have ohss, even though he told me that at 41 almost 42 it was highly unlikely.

I dont know what to do. I'm so scared. About everything.

I’m sorry but no way would I be having a child with a 64 year old. It’s totally unfair.

It’s completely normal to feel anxious, worried, scared. EC was the part that worried me the most about the whole process. I’d never had any type of medical procedure before. It’s was completely fine though, in fact I had the best sleep I’d had in ages! I was at risk of ohss so my clinic advised me to freeze all to let my body recover. I never developed any symptoms though and just had a little discomfort for a day or two.

Can you ask your clinic to freeze all? It would reduce the ohss risk but also give you and DH a chance to decide if this what you want. If you abandon now and then regret it you’d have to start again. At least this gives you more options.

If you don't have anything to add to help the OP through what seems to be crippling anxiety why bother to post, this is not AIBU. #beKind

OP, when you're in that moment of panic and your heart is racing. Stop, sit down, close your eyes and take the deepest breath you can. Hold the breath and count slowly in your mind to 5. Then count out loud as you release the breath until it's gone. And repeat for as long as you can to feel calmer. Don't allow your brain to think thoughts beyond the counting, that's why it's important to count and why you need to concentrate on only the breath. It pushes out the bad thoughts and allows you time to get a grip of yourself physiologically.

With the way that your feeling you need to speak with the clinic. We can all reassure you that your worries are normal and we have felt the panic, but I have suffered with anxiety for a long time outside of IVF so am very practiced at talking myself down. Your clinic will have counsellors - have you spoken to them?

IVF is terrifying, awful and genuinely draining for most people so they will be used to discussing your fears and helping you through this. I hope you can find your way through this

Hi OP, I am also say 7 of stims and am also scared for EC next week. I think it's totally normal. I had a laparoscopy last year and I was absolutely terrified of all that you mention but it was all fine and not half as bad. EC is not as bad as that either. Feel free to join the feb/March ivf thread as talking with others going through this at the same time has really helped me. With regards to the none ec thoughts you are having, I would add that your thoughts will be altered due to the drugs. The hormones really do mess with our minds and bodies. I'm not one for meditation either as it goes, a good comedy is my way of keeping the anxiety at bay. We can do this! X

Its so normal to be scared of the EC. I was worried the sedation wouldn’t work on me and I’d feel everything. It’s a torturous time, every stage gives you something new to fret about. But in reality the anticipation was a million times worse than the actual. I’ve only had two ECs but both times there was absolutely nothing to worry about, they were really quite relaxing in a way!

I also think it’s very normal to start thinking it’s not something you even want any longer. It’s self-preservation and a natural way of protecting your weary heart. If it’s this hard to come by surely it’s nature’s way of saying it’s not the right path etc etc. No no no. It doesn’t work like this. For some people sadly it’s just much harder than others. Try not to twist yourself up in knots and talk yourself out of it. You’re allowed to want this, and you thoroughly deserve it.

Deep breaths, you’re almost there.

Thank you so much for all the helpful comments. They really are much appreciated. I have always had anxiety issues since a teen and at 34 found myself widowed and having to start again. My new husband has been my rock through everything. We married when i was 38 and got pregnant immediately but sadly it ended in a mmc and we have had no luck since. Some might say 64 is too old. Sometimes I think that too. But he doesn't look (or act) his age and is very fit and healthy.

So yes, my anxiety has always been through the roof and I try my best, and usually can, deal with it. I have an appointment today and will see how much everything has grown, if he can see my right ovary this time and hopefully find out when EC will be.

Thank you all so so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean.

Hi OP
It’s natural to have anxieties before egg collection, I definitely did. However the risks of complications are statistically very low. The hormones will also be impacting on your mood. Like other posters have said - questioning whether this is what you want could well be self preservation. Families come in all forms including young and older parents. Obviously there are some practical and financial considerations but you are only 41 and lots of people have children at your age. Loving parents are what matters the most so don’t let other people’s judgement impact you. Best wishes for EC

Honestly @Presh12345, those bitches who wrote that about your husbands age need to do one, what insensitive horrible comments. Your first round of ivf is scary, but it’s done every day to hundreds of thousands of us and the risks are low. Just try and chill, youre being productive and proactive, appreciate that we are in a position to be able to try and have the children we want. Anything worse case has happened before and as people have written above can be treated. Try and enjoy the process, you and your husband are doing your bit to try and make your child. This time is all about you, have your supplements, your acupuncture, as many massages as you want. Good luck x

It’s not bitchy to point out that 64 is very old to have a baby. He might be fit and healthy now but he won’t be for long. If you do have a child they will have a father that won’t really be present. When the child is 15 he’ll be almost 80. I imagine caring responsibilities will be shared between you and your child too. How is that fair? I have many friends with much older parents and they are all full of resentment. Just because in theory you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Last time I had a spectacular difficult egg retrieval. I had a new doctor and she panicked, I had a bleed, my bowel was punctured and they deliberately punctured right through my uturus to try and collect out of my hidden left ovary. In my country they just give you a painkiller and I was awake for the whole, painful thing.

It was okay. It was seriously painful at the moment of puncturing but I didn't panic, breathed through it, it was a very short time and I could handle it. So even if your worst fears come true, it will be okay and you can do this. Recovery wasn't as bad as they thought as well. I felt bruised inside and like I had a UTI, that's not so bad, right?

I'm doing it all again tomorrow, so it wasn't bad enough to put me off. So if I can do it, then surely you can too?

Totally disagree, plenty of single parents bring up well adjusted children and irrespective we have two loving parents who want a child. There’s no guarantee any of us will get to an old age. I don’t see the point in saying what you did about @Presh12345 husband, not helpful.

I'm going for my collection tomorrow. I've had a big chat with my husband and we are all good and on the same page. However, I am still freaking out about being sleeping for the procedure. I can't wait to be off all these drugs and get myself back again!!

Good luck @Presh12345 . You will be fine-take comfort in how many people go through this everyday and are perfectly safe. Mine is Wednesday x